Hello, Incredipete fans big and small. I have decided that today I will make a departure from the “serious” entries I’ve been doing all week. I was discussing sports with our bitterly sarcastic maintenance supervisor “Gene” and he and I came up with some interesting ideas for “CombosportsÂ®.”
By combining boring, everyday sports, you can come up with amazingly exciting, and with any luck, violent sports. Sports like boxing and football are violent, but in no way really reflect the level of destruction that a real sport, like “Gladiators” carries with it. Competitive sports were invented so that testosterone-infested men would have a way to work things out amongst themselves without resorting to murder and cannibalism.
My first proposal for a CombosportÂ® is “SniperGolfÂ®.” It’s almost as simple as it is brilliant. First, you take a regulation sized golfer (short, in every way) and put him on a nice golf course next to the ocean. Then, build a duck blind at the far end of the green. Professional snipers will occupy the duck blind, and will shoot the golf balls out of the air as they approach. The golfer and the sniper will get points based on “yardage” by assigning the number of yards achieved successfully by each party. For instance, if the ball travels 150 yards before being shot out of the air, and the distance from tee to the hole is 320 yards, the golfer will get 150 points, and the sniper will get 170. The golfer may continue hitting the ball as many times as he or she wants, so long as they keep using the same ball. When the ball is completely obliterated, the game is over and the total yardage for each player is tallied.
Now what would really be cool would be this second CombosportÂ® called “ScubaRugbyÂ®.” No one understands rugby… not really. Some people claim to, but they are lying. So why not do something to make it even more ridiculous, like put it under water. I’m sure this would cut down on crush injuries, but it might ramp up the number of rugby drowning deaths. I propose that we increase the potential devastation by giving them only enough oxygen for the first 10 minutes, and then make the match last 15. The final result will be determined by who has remained “not dead” at the end of the 15 minutes. If you come up before the time is up, your team forfeits.
The last CombosportÂ® I would like to propose is “Tackle TennisÂ®.” This is more of an “audience participation” sport. When I say “tackle” I mean that the audience should try to jump the fence and beat the crap out of the tennis players, because I don’t care who you are, tennis is a idioted sport. To make it more interesting, we’ll take all of the WWF wrestlers and put them just inside the barricades to increase the level of skill needed to get to the players. The tennis players, by definition, are “losers.” So the only potential winners we have are the audience. Any audience that makes it past the WWF guys gets a point. If he makes it to the player “untouched” (not whacked upside the head with a racket) he gets two points, and if he renders the tennis player unconscious, he wins. I can imagine that the world of tennis would quickly turn into a bunch of pumped up muscle men with no actual knowledge or skill in the game of tennis. Which would be a vast improvement.
Someone told me earlier that I need my racket restrung. Not very nice, but I think it’s a good idea. I’m gonna string mine with titanium spikes.