Woodpecker Pulp

Did you hear that Paris Hilton is engaged. I’m sure that marriage will be long-lasting. You can be sure it will be a relationship filled with love, commitment, and maturity.


I had a great idea for an entry, but then I sneezed and it was gone. So you’ll just have to listen to a pointless, meandering entry about nothing. For instance, let’s talk about the nest of endangered woodpeckers in my attic.

As you know, I have woodpeckers living in my attic. Here’s the picture of their nest:

Yesterday I got home and the stench of the rotting garbage in my garage was almost unbearable, and had begun to seep into my house. The air conditioner was cycling the rotting smell through the house and it was getting worse and worse.

Thankfully, I have an attic fan, which I fired up as soon as I couldn’t take the smell anymore. As soon as I started it up, I heard this “THWACK!” followed by a thud in my hallway. I ran into the hall just in time to see a poof of feathers, and saw an endangered woodpecker on my floor. Well, half of him anyway.

As I was standing there, I heard another “THWACK!” and another poof of feathers shot into the hall. Then the other half of the bird came flying out and smacked off the wall, smearing blood and feathers everywhere. Then I realized… I had two half birds, but they were both the head end of the bird… I’d gotten two for the price of one. Eventually the tail halves of both birds came shooting out of the fan, and splatted in the hall.

Two bottles of Resolve, half a bottle of bleach, and a vacuum later, my woodpecker problem is solved.


  23 comments for “Woodpecker Pulp

  1. May 31, 2005 at 9:35 am

    Gosh Incredipete, you still have woodpecker problems? They’ll just keep nesting there year after year. They must hear something yummy crawling around inside your attic.

  2. May 31, 2005 at 9:47 am

    You dirty dirty bird.

  3. May 31, 2005 at 9:52 am

    OMG that’s funny in a sick sort of way. Now see, if you had cats instead of dogs you could have gotten rid of the birds and not had a mess (save for feathers everywhere).

    So how did they taste? You should have sent them to Andy; we all know how much he loves pecker.

  4. May 31, 2005 at 10:04 am

    The good news was, after all that, my house smelled much better. Stupid birds. Electro-guillotine.

  5. May 31, 2005 at 11:19 am

    I think Paris is marrying a guy named Paris so when she actually screams out her own name in bed, he’ll never know.

    How come the word “woodpecker” makes me giggle? I am so mature.

  6. May 31, 2005 at 12:19 pm

    “You can be sure it will be a relationship filled with love, commitment, and maturity.” Not to mention privacy… *sm00ch*

  7. May 31, 2005 at 1:01 pm

    I can’t believe I giggled at that. Not that I would EVER publically admit to it.

  8. May 31, 2005 at 3:16 pm

    That was fucking disgusting. Excellent.

  9. May 31, 2005 at 3:19 pm

    Glad I could help. *Evil Chuckle*

  10. May 31, 2005 at 7:26 pm

    That was awesome!! Can we recreate that this weekend during the party? I’ll catch some pigeons if you can’t lure anymore woodpeckers into the attic before saturday.

  11. Rik
    May 31, 2005 at 8:02 pm

    I found a dead possum this weekend . . . it still had babies in it’s pouch. I didn’t laugh. But a woodpecker missing it’s pecker, now thats FUNNY! Thanks for cheering me up, Incredipete. Perhaps if you paint your house pink, they won’t come back.

  12. May 31, 2005 at 10:58 pm

    Never try to stop a fan with your tongue, or your pecker. Woodpecker, or otherwise.

    I am sad about the little woodpeckers.

  13. June 1, 2005 at 6:52 am

    Do NOT paint your house pink. Please.

  14. June 1, 2005 at 9:13 am

    I’m going to paint my house black.

  15. Rik
    June 1, 2005 at 11:15 am

    Black?? In memory of Deep Throat? Oh wait he’s not dead. I mean she. Wait, i’m confused.

  16. June 1, 2005 at 11:39 am

    The woodpecker’s chopped
    Two feathered halves on Incredipete’s floor
    get terayaki!

  17. June 1, 2005 at 12:00 pm

    Well… adds the animal lover… at least they went quickly. But I know they are a pain in the ass, and certainly YOUR comfort is more important than a couple of stupid birds. Besides, you’re having a party and you want the house to smell nice. Which, I never did get my invite. Which, that’s okay. Really.

  18. June 1, 2005 at 1:54 pm

    Aww, you must not have read when I invited all of my blogging pals to the party. Certainly the woodpecker’s comfort would matter if they had been paying their rent as agreed, but they were moochers, adding nothing to the home, but destroying things with their wild bird parties.

  19. June 1, 2005 at 2:46 pm

    ooooo does it WORK now????

  20. June 1, 2005 at 2:47 pm

    HOORAAAAAAAAY you are, like, the most geniusest ever!!!

  21. June 1, 2005 at 3:47 pm

    Well, you’re like, the most cooliest gf’s best friend ever!

  22. June 1, 2005 at 4:10 pm

    Didja get it???

  23. June 1, 2005 at 4:50 pm

    Yes I did, thanks! You’re the bomb.

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