Why Incredipete Should Be Pope

Since the pope has retired, in a shocking development not seen in 600 years, I am hereby nominating myself to be the next pope. As pope, I will reign with an iron fist. Here are 10 reasons why I should be selected.

1. I am not attracted to little boys, so I can actually objectively go after pedophiles in the church.

2. I look incredible in a robe. Ask anyone.

3. I will appoint all of my buddies as cardinals and then have them wear St. Louis Cardinal’s jerseys.

4. I will move the Vatican to the United States, which is the center of the universe. I don’t just mean move the functions, I will literally dismantle every stone in Vatican City and move it to the US.

5. I will get rid of the popemobile and do all of my papal visits in an Apache helicopter.

6. I will switch the communion wine to Pepsi.

7. I will allow nuns and priests to get married. But only to people of the opposite sex. I am a man of God, after all.

8. I will finally get the church set straight on birth control. Life begins AT conception… not BEFORE conception.

9. I will put hidden cameras in all confessionals so that we can have new, interesting content for youtube.

10. Since I don’t speak Italian, I will do all addresses to the public in pig latin.

I think that with these simple items, we can all agree that I would be an excellent pope.

  7 comments for “Why Incredipete Should Be Pope

  1. March 1, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Now…lemme ask this.
    If someone important (meaning…not you) wrote something like this about any other religion, would it not be considered bigoted/racist/intolerant, etc?
    Not that I care…I’m still recovering from a childhood of living as a Catholic. But, it is an amusing double-standard…that they probably damn-well deserve by the way.

  2. March 1, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Fortunately, I don’t care!

  3. March 1, 2013 at 11:34 am

    I think that people who are easily offended should never read Incredipete’s blog. Or his FB page. Or. . . well, you get the point.

  4. March 1, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Exactly, Keith Williston

  5. March 1, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    I thought the whole reason we all got into this so many years ago was to piss people off with idiotic rants. Wasn’t it?

  6. March 1, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    If only idiots would do what they “should” instead of what they “want.” Fortunately, it can be both true that easily offended idiots should not read Incredipete’s blog AND that his blog can piss off idiots who shouldn’t read it! As a double bonus, we get to feel morally and intellectually superior because we know they are doing the social equivalent of poking themselves in the eye with a stick while complaining that it must be the stick’s fault that they are getting hurt! (To be fair, it is a pointy stick)

  7. March 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I can’t believe you called my stick pointy.

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