Since the pope has retired, in a shocking development not seen in 600 years, I am hereby nominating myself to be the next pope. As pope, I will reign with an iron fist. Here are 10 reasons why I should be selected.
1. I am not attracted to little boys, so I can actually objectively go after pedophiles in the church.
2. I look incredible in a robe. Ask anyone.
3. I will appoint all of my buddies as cardinals and then have them wear St. Louis Cardinal’s jerseys.
4. I will move the Vatican to the United States, which is the center of the universe. I don’t just mean move the functions, I will literally dismantle every stone in Vatican City and move it to the US.
5. I will get rid of the popemobile and do all of my papal visits in an Apache helicopter.
6. I will switch the communion wine to Pepsi.
7. I will allow nuns and priests to get married. But only to people of the opposite sex. I am a man of God, after all.
8. I will finally get the church set straight on birth control. Life begins AT conception… not BEFORE conception.
9. I will put hidden cameras in all confessionals so that we can have new, interesting content for youtube.
10. Since I don’t speak Italian, I will do all addresses to the public in pig latin.
I think that with these simple items, we can all agree that I would be an excellent pope.