What Women Really Want

Things Women Say

1. “Fine, have it your way.” – You can have it your way so long as you don’t mind being castrated while you sleep… on the couch.

2. “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.” – I actually have no reason whatsoever to be mad at you, but since I’m on my period, I am going to be anyway.

3. “You never listen.” – …when I tell you to cater to my every whim.

4. “Do these pants make my butt look big?” – Just try to get out of this unscathed, buddy. The correct answer is: Feign a heart attack and fall to the floor clutching your chest. The incorrect answer is: “No, actually your big butt makes those pants look big.”

5. “I think we should talk.” – You had better stop what you’re doing and listen up, because if you don’t, I’m going to rent a chipper-shreader and put all of your personal belongings through it.

6. “Is she prettier than me?” – I saw you looking at that girl, and I know she’s prettier than me, and I want to see you squirm. The correct answer is: “What girl?” The incorrect answer is: ” ” (while drooling)

7. “What do you think I should do?” – You had better be a good guesser when you give me advice, because if you tell me something I don’t want to do, I’m going to accuse you of not listening to me and not caring, you insensitive bastard.

8. “Why do you always leave the seat up?” – Even though I am the one that told you to put the seat up in the first place, I expect you to also put the seat down, because frankly, if you make me touch the toilet, you are going to have a cold, lonely winter.

9. “I don’t like that woman. I wish you wouldn’t talk to her.” – That woman is WAY better looking than me, and it makes me insanely jealous when you talk to her. And, if you continue talking to her, I will be forced to castrate you and scratch her eyes out.

10. “I love you.” – I’m so glad you do everything I tell you to do. You are so whipped, it makes me giddy. Now tell me you love me, or I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

Things Women Do

1. Cry – When a woman cries, there are two possible actions: 1. Try to comfort her. 2. Eff off. If you choose the incorrect option, you will be met with “You’re SO insensitive. Why can’t you just leave me alone!” Note: If you leave her alone, you will be guilty of yet another crime.

2. Gossip – Women like to talk bad about each other. The main reason for this is jealousy; the victim of the gossip usually has something, or some trait that the other women want. For example: “Can you believe Hilda? I can’t believe she’s sleeping with that doctor! I’m sure she’s just in it for the money.” Of course, it’s also possible that Hilda has something that the doctor wants that the other women don’t have. I’m just saying.

3. Complain – This doesn’t mean anything. It is the basic nature of women, and it can be ignored completely.

4. Nag – This is a woman’s way of wearing you down. If she wants you to do something, she will keep asking until you are so sick of hearing her voice that you do what she wants just to make it stop. Everybody’s happy.

5. Order a salad – Yes, many women are uncomfortable ordering the 24 ounce Porterhouse when they’re on a date. They order a salad to give the illusion that they are “dainty” and that they are watching their weight. When the are alone, they always supersize their value meal. It’s a fact, so don’t even try to deny it.

6. Try on every dress – It’s not because they are indecisive. It’s not because “possibly” any one of the dresses might look good on them. At most, there is one dress that will have the correct colors, and not make the woman look like the Goodyear blimp. She will try them all on, and make you give thumbs up or down on them, to see if you have the sense god gave a goose. Choose wisely, young grasshopper.

7. Choose your clothes for you – Women like to mark their territory. That’s why married men always look bad. Their wife feeds them tons, dresses them in dorky clothes, and keeps them too busy to go to the gym. That way, they can insure that no other woman will ever take an interest in him.

8. Try to modify your behavior – Women can’t stand a man with bad manners and a despicable personality. They also can’t resist a project. That’s why women always marry men with bad manners and a despicable personality. Whatever you do, don’t let them succeed in changing you, because once they do, they will lose interest faster than you can say “custody battle.”

9. Make the man pay for everything – Women want to feel that they are secure financially. For many women, instead of going to college and getting a good job, this involves sponging off of a man. Granted, this behavior can go both ways, but this entry is about women, so learn to cope. As long as the man is paying, things will be fine. If he looses his job, chances are, he’s gonna lose her, too.

10. Sulk – This is what women do when they don’t get what they want. It’s important to have a good Sulk-Success ratio. By which I mean they must sometimes get what they want, and sometimes must get the opposite of what they want. This process is known as “stringing-along” and although women are masters of stringing men along, they need it as well.

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I hope this has been enlightening for everyone.

Disclaimer: If you are a woman and think this doesn’t apply to you, then I uhh… wasn’t talking about you, I meant “other women.”

  47 comments for “What Women Really Want

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Will you be telling us which answers are wrong and let us try to redeem ourselves?

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Wow, this turned into a long thread about salad dressing and lesbianism (connection?). Incredime, I’ll take the mac and cheese, too. Or we could just skip that part and get to the good stuff…

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy And they will do it because you say so.

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: your incredibly adorable little sister. ah, Incredipeter, nice way to get on a woman’s good side. good thing i’m just your sister. anyhoo, i like to make the guys i know grow their hair long…and wear trench coats (that one is harder). that’s all i need. i don’t make them unattractive to women. just more attractive to me.

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental Incredipete, you should know by now that i’m not the type of gal to volunteer for the community. You should also know that i like to wait a long ass time before replying to comments cause then people are confused as to what i’m speaking of.

  6. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf and i’ll see you in like 10 days!! WOOHOO

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey MAF, you know you’re my woman.

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: incredime when you find a man i can spounge off of I’ll quit the 4 jobs, so get to work!! I’ll take mac and cheese over a salad any day!!!

  9. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Hey, Incredipete, are you starting to feel as superfluous as I am here? I’m fully beginning to believe that this whole lesbian love-fest thing is highly overrated.

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy I get a crush too? Yay me!

  11. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf i have full on hard core girl crushes on you and wendy – but stacey and the #3’s are my true loves

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker I can already feel my heart breaking!

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Wait a minute MAF–I thought I was your girl crush. I will go sleep in a drawer now. Thanks Stacey–you’re nice.

  14. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf stacey if you leave me for jackie do you have ANY idea how heartbroken i’ll be ????

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey A.) I like the bleu cheese, too. 7.) Now, I’m also in love with Jackie.

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie I like bleu cheese. And BTW Incredipete–Wow–you really described women perfectly.It was like you were inside my head or something. How did you do that? It must be a gift. Keep up the good work. You are so smart to nail ALL of the traits. I mean, I didn’t even realize I did some of those things until you pointed them out. Thanks again! I am so grateful.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker I love vinnegrettes. If I have to go with something mayo-based, it’s gonna be ranch..

  18. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Raspberry Vinegrette should be banned on principle alone.

  19. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf good lawd.

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker You and my mother. Ick. Rassberry Vinnegrette, or even balsalmic.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Salad is fine as long as it is swimming in bleu cheese.

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker That completely defeats the purpose, Incredipete. You eat the salad, and then a greasy slab of meat and the greasy slab of meat completely negates the salad! Skip the salad… chicken.. I mean, Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Mental, are you volunteering?

  24. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker I haven’t since. It was creepy. And the last guy I did date, refused to eat any kind of salad, which was again, creepy.

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea This one cat thought he was going to be suffistacat’d & ordered some Chinese-sesame-chicken-felinefree-thing & proceeded to tell me all about the restaurants in his area. Me being in restaurants for 9 years had heard enough. I ate half my steak, excused myself to the bathroom & made a phone call to see if I had a chance at mental or physical stimulation for the remainder of the night.

  26. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” Why would you date a guy that eats salad?

  27. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental I think Incredipete needs some attention downstairs so that he can lighten up on the poor analysis of women. You know, i nice good old fashioned BJ. I’m just sayin’.

  28. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker It’s always funny when the waiter walks up and places the salad in front of you, and this big meal in front of the man, and then watches you as you switch.

  29. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea My favorite is going out on a first date & he orders something delicate while I get a big fat med.rare ribeye… mmm steak rules.

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Thanks Stacey!

  31. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl Oh and women SO do not fatten up and dress their men to be unattractive to other women! Want to keep your mans’ attention forever? Swallow.

  32. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey It is official: I’m now in love with both Walker and “Lynne.”

  33. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl My ass is bigger than I would like it yet my Hubby can’t keep his hands off of it. Or any other body part for that matter. He’d like me to be smaller as well, but hey! Ass is ass, right?

  34. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” Incredipete, remember that one day when you asked me “Lynne, do these Dockers make my butt look big?” and I said “NO, those Dockers don’t make your butt look big, your butt makes your butt look big.” ???? (quit stealing my lines, by the way) Then you went back to your desk and pouted until it was time to go home? I kept asking you what was wrong and all you would say is “If you don’t know, I am not telling you!” Good Times…

  35. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker I much prefer the “truth” my own mind and mouth have to offer. So I stopped asking.

  36. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey Oh, and I supersize, too. I mean, have you *seen* my ass?!

  37. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey Oh, and I supersize, too. I mean, have you *seen* my ass?!

  38. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey “No, actually your big butt makes those pants look big.” YES, YES, YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! That IS the correct answer to this question! And if a woman is enough of a dip to ASK this patently stupid question, this is the answer she should get.

  39. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Hey, the bigger, the better! I mean, if you’re going to eat it, EAT it!

  40. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Bless you, Walker. I love a girl that’s not afraid to supersize!

  41. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Just for the record, I SO supersize my value meal – even when a man is around. So HA! 😉

  42. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Jackie and maf: Where are you two? We need you girls over here for a minit.

  43. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl Actually, we have to try on each and every article of clothing we are interested in because the stupid clothing manufacturers won’t make decent clothing for women with any hint of curves. Therefore, we try them on to make sure their size 10s are the same size 10s the woman has been wearing. I’ve tried on one pair of shorts in my size, that pair fit, so I bought another pair in that same size. Guess what? The second pair doesn’t fit. Go figure.

  44. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy And when you are not…

  45. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Ah, but I have, Wendy. I have.

  46. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy First dammit!!

  47. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy All of this from a man who doesn’t even have a woman. I guess that makes him an expert!

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