Things Women Say
1. “Fine, have it your way.” – You can have it your way so long as you don’t mind being castrated while you sleep… on the couch.
2. “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.” – I actually have no reason whatsoever to be mad at you, but since I’m on my period, I am going to be anyway.
3. “You never listen.” – …when I tell you to cater to my every whim.
4. “Do these pants make my butt look big?” – Just try to get out of this unscathed, buddy. The correct answer is: Feign a heart attack and fall to the floor clutching your chest. The incorrect answer is: “No, actually your big butt makes those pants look big.”
5. “I think we should talk.” – You had better stop what you’re doing and listen up, because if you don’t, I’m going to rent a chipper-shreader and put all of your personal belongings through it.
6. “Is she prettier than me?” – I saw you looking at that girl, and I know she’s prettier than me, and I want to see you squirm. The correct answer is: “What girl?” The incorrect answer is: ” ” (while drooling)
7. “What do you think I should do?” – You had better be a good guesser when you give me advice, because if you tell me something I don’t want to do, I’m going to accuse you of not listening to me and not caring, you insensitive bastard.
8. “Why do you always leave the seat up?” – Even though I am the one that told you to put the seat up in the first place, I expect you to also put the seat down, because frankly, if you make me touch the toilet, you are going to have a cold, lonely winter.
9. “I don’t like that woman. I wish you wouldn’t talk to her.” – That woman is WAY better looking than me, and it makes me insanely jealous when you talk to her. And, if you continue talking to her, I will be forced to castrate you and scratch her eyes out.
10. “I love you.” – I’m so glad you do everything I tell you to do. You are so whipped, it makes me giddy. Now tell me you love me, or I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.
Things Women Do
1. Cry – When a woman cries, there are two possible actions: 1. Try to comfort her. 2. Eff off. If you choose the incorrect option, you will be met with “You’re SO insensitive. Why can’t you just leave me alone!” Note: If you leave her alone, you will be guilty of yet another crime.
2. Gossip – Women like to talk bad about each other. The main reason for this is jealousy; the victim of the gossip usually has something, or some trait that the other women want. For example: “Can you believe Hilda? I can’t believe she’s sleeping with that doctor! I’m sure she’s just in it for the money.” Of course, it’s also possible that Hilda has something that the doctor wants that the other women don’t have. I’m just saying.
3. Complain – This doesn’t mean anything. It is the basic nature of women, and it can be ignored completely.
4. Nag – This is a woman’s way of wearing you down. If she wants you to do something, she will keep asking until you are so sick of hearing her voice that you do what she wants just to make it stop. Everybody’s happy.
5. Order a salad – Yes, many women are uncomfortable ordering the 24 ounce Porterhouse when they’re on a date. They order a salad to give the illusion that they are “dainty” and that they are watching their weight. When the are alone, they always supersize their value meal. It’s a fact, so don’t even try to deny it.
6. Try on every dress – It’s not because they are indecisive. It’s not because “possibly” any one of the dresses might look good on them. At most, there is one dress that will have the correct colors, and not make the woman look like the Goodyear blimp. She will try them all on, and make you give thumbs up or down on them, to see if you have the sense god gave a goose. Choose wisely, young grasshopper.
7. Choose your clothes for you – Women like to mark their territory. That’s why married men always look bad. Their wife feeds them tons, dresses them in dorky clothes, and keeps them too busy to go to the gym. That way, they can insure that no other woman will ever take an interest in him.
8. Try to modify your behavior – Women can’t stand a man with bad manners and a despicable personality. They also can’t resist a project. That’s why women always marry men with bad manners and a despicable personality. Whatever you do, don’t let them succeed in changing you, because once they do, they will lose interest faster than you can say “custody battle.”
9. Make the man pay for everything – Women want to feel that they are secure financially. For many women, instead of going to college and getting a good job, this involves sponging off of a man. Granted, this behavior can go both ways, but this entry is about women, so learn to cope. As long as the man is paying, things will be fine. If he looses his job, chances are, he’s gonna lose her, too.
10. Sulk – This is what women do when they don’t get what they want. It’s important to have a good Sulk-Success ratio. By which I mean they must sometimes get what they want, and sometimes must get the opposite of what they want. This process is known as “stringing-along” and although women are masters of stringing men along, they need it as well.
I hope this has been enlightening for everyone.
Disclaimer: If you are a woman and think this doesn’t apply to you, then I uhh… wasn’t talking about you, I meant “other women.”