To be helpful, I am going to detail some things that guys do and say to women, and the translations for them. I know women think men are simple, but I think you’ll find that we frequently use complex thought patterns to govern our actions and our words. Keep in mind, I’m the exception to these rules. (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)
Things Men Say:
1. “Of course I’ll still respect you.” – He already doesn’t respect you. You’re a chick. He doesn’t respect chicks, except for possibly Joan of Arc, and Mother Theresa. All other chicks, he just wants to get with.
2. “I love you” – This means “I want to have sex but I know you won’t unless you think I love and respect you.”
3. “Baby, can you bring me a beer?” – This means, “Bring me a beer, now, wench!” It does NOT mean “I want to talk to you during this sporting event.” contrary to popular belief.
4. “I don’t want to talk right now.” – Means, “I don’t want to talk right now. In fact, I don’t ever want to talk, I just want to fool around with you, but I know you won’t if I don’t talk, so I guess I will sometime. But not now.”
5. “I’ll be home in a while.” – Means “Don’t wait up.”
6. “Let’s go out tonight.” – Means, “I can’t stand your crappy cooking for one more second. Plus, if I buy you dinner, you’re gonna owe me.”
7. “You look great!” – This means “Frankly you could wear a burlap sack, or better yet, nothing, and I would still want to jump on you. But for some reason, you find it necessary to get dolled up before you feel attractive, so I guess I’ll play along.”
8. “Let’s stay in tonight” – Means, tonight, my horomones are screaming louder than my stomach, and frankly, I can forgoe eating until tomorrow.
9. “Let’s rent ‘Hope Floats'” – Means, there had DARN WELL be a really good payoff if I watch that crap with you.
10. “I don’t think you should be friends with that guy… there’s just something about him I don’t like.” – Means, “That guy is WAY better looking than me, and it makes me very insecure when you hang out with him. I’m insanely jealous but I can’t say that because you’ll think I’m childish, so instead I am fabricating a bad vibe I get from him. Take the hint, or expect to be served with divorce papers.”
Things Men Do
1. Tune you out – This means he is concentrating on something important, like football, and he can’t be disturbed. Take the hint, and come back at halftime with your points summarized neatly, and don’t exceed 20 minutes. Men’s brains don’t work like womens. We can only think about one thing at a time (linear) instead of many (scatterbrained).
2. Look at other women – Admiring the beauty that exists in the world is very important. Everyone should take time to smell the roses. Men, as it turns out, generally only find beauty in women. We’re not saying we want to leave you. Heck, the reason we’re with you in the first place is we sincerely believe you’re the best looking girl we can get. So don’t worry about it. We’re just looking.
3. Pee on the seat – Ok, if it were just a solid, steady stream, that would be no problem. It’s the initial surge, and the final muscle spasms that cause seat wettage. Most men could hit a 1/2 inch target from 6 feet once they get started. We need the seat up, you need it down. So how about if we put it up, that you put it down. It’s only fair that you do your part, too.
4. Throw dirty clothes on the floor – It doesn’t make any sense at all to take the time to put dirty clothes into organized containers. The floor will suffice quite nicely. And frankly, we take our clothes off wherever we happen to be, and it’s very inconvenient to walk to the hamper if we’re say, working in the garage and take our pants off. Plus, isn’t it really “women’s work” to pick up the clothes and wash them? I’m just saying. (NOTE: I always use a hamper and wash my own clothes, unlike all of the married men.)
5. Burp – Yes, it’s considered rude. At least in this country. But it’s not our fault that we have gas buildup. Men don’t function like women: Men prefer food and drink that encourage gas, like beer, brats, grease, etc. Women generally consume things like salad, whole wheat deli sandwiches, and water. Don’t blame us, because it’s a matter of taste, not of manners.
6. Never does anything thoughtful – Well, welcome to earth. Guys aren’t thinking about you when you’re not around. We don’t work like that. If we are, it means we are whipped, and all hope for sanity is lost. When we’re at work, we’re thinking about work. When we’re in the car, we’re thinking about driving, and when we’re looking at you, we’re thinking about… ummm…how much we love you.
7. Stays out all night – Obviously if it is more fun for him to go hang out with the guys all night than to spend the night with you, you must be doing something terribly wrong. What you can offer is far better than what ‘the guys’ can offer, so start using your powers if you don’t like waiting up for him.
8. Only cares about sports – Men are naturally competitive. We love anything with competition. Naturally, since we are in a committed relationship with you, there is no longer any competition. If you want to get my attention away from sports, start hanging out with a rich, sexy doctor.
9. Complain about being hungover – We do this because you are a woman, and you’re supposed to care. If I can’t get your attention, I will act up. It’s just like a child. Negative attention from you is better than none at all.
10. Go to the gym – We do this only to attract women. If you are married to a man that is going to the gym, it ain’t to attract you. He’s trying to attract “OTHER” women. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. If your man starts going to the gym, it’s probably time to hire a private eye.