Incredi-Updater strikes again. It’s time for yet another edition of Incredipete’s Wonderful World of Idiotic Opinions. Today is a followup to yesterday’s entry.
Let me, per usual, begin with a belligerent rhetorical question: “Why the heck can’t all men be like me? And why do women so often appear repelled by me?”
There. I’ve said it. So today I will classify men into some interesting categories:
Shy: This guy is afraid to talk to anyone. Especially women, but would prefer to stay hidden in a room by himself. Most likely caused by having too intimate a relationship with one’s mother. This guy will likely cry a lot about being picked on. In reality, he’s so weird, no one in their right mind would talk to him for fear he will someday go postal and kill everyone at his workplace.
Career: This guy couldn’t care less about his stupid family. He only got married and had kids for the tax write-offs, and frankly, he’s starting to feel pretty smart for putting in that pre-nup. This guy believes that in order to be successful at work, you must work more hours than anyone else, make more money than anyone else, and be a heartless manager. (i.e. Never hire a woman to do something a man could do.) Typically this man will expect his female secretary to do his bidding including buying birthday gifts for his children for him.
Asshole: Everyone knows one of these guys. This is the guy that gets ALL the hot chicks. All he wants is to use and abuse as many women as he possibly can, and by darn, they are lined up around the block for the opportunity. Granted, the women that line up for this treatment have often been emotionally neglected by their father because he was in prison their entire life, but that’s beside the point. Other guys wish they could be like the asshole guy, because he always gets what he wants. Despite rumors to the contrary, asshole guy almost always ends up marrying some really nice, good looking woman, who he treats badly but she puts up with it because “he may beat me, but he loves me anyway.”
Know-It-All: Not to be confused with “Genius” this guy is an expert on whatever topic you happen to be discussing. If he’s shopping with a woman, he knows everything about shoe fashion, and will ridicule anyone that stands in his way. If he visits the Smithsonian Air and Space museum, he will claim that if they had only done what he suggested, that we could have landed Apollo 11 on Mars. This guy will use big words to mask his ignorance. He will frequently misuse words, but everyone will let it slide because if they correct him, they’re in for it.
Genius: These guys really are smart, however, they’re about as likely to ever have a girlfriend as I am to be an adult film star. They are completely socially inept, thinly veiled in a shroud of mysterious hobbies that add to the image. Genius guy hobbies may include the following: Superstring Theory Equations using a slide rule, Carrying Pi out to a Googleplex digits with an abacus, Hacking the UN website, Running a porn site, etc. You get the idea. Oh, and normally the genius guy does all of these things from the comfort of his mother’s basement. (I can say that now because I have my own house)
Impatient: This guy thinks the world revolves around him, and lives his life in that manner. In traffic, he will cut you off and then flip you off for honking. He is also the guy that yells at the clerk when the line is longer than 2 people. “Why can’t you hurry up?! I don’t have all day!” Chances are, impatient guy is late for his group therapy, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Falsely Humble: This is the guy that thinks he is the shizznit, but pretends like he’s not that cool. This would be me, in real life. I know I’m awesome, but I pretend to have low self esteem, earning me the title “False Humility Guy.” I’m ok with this, because it has all of the earmarks of the “asshole,” but with a candy coating of “Golly Shucks, I’m not all that.” Let me tell you, chicks don’t dig this personality type…
Jock: Jock is my least favorite. Cheerleaders flock to a jock like an abused woman on an asshole. Jocks are almost always complete Bubba’s but they think they are smart. That’s the irony. If you asked the average football player, high school, college, or pro, chances are they couldn’t tell you the capital of Oregon. (it’s Cumquat, in case you’re wondering) For some reason, women believe these men when they claim to be smart, and I don’t know why. I wish women would just admit that it’s more important to them that their man have bulging muscles than for him to be able to have a multi-syllabic conversation. We all know that’s what’s going on, but nobody, it seems, except me has the guts to say it. So here I am, throwing it out there.
Gay: See Cheerleader
Holier Than Thou: My personal favorite, probably because I was raised surrounded by men like this. HTT guys will tell you to stop listening to your Metallica, and then go home and molest his kids. I’m not kidding with you. These guys will lecture you about any stupid thing, and then you find the barrels stuffed with dismembered bodies buried in their basement. I don’t mind people being creeps, but for Incredipete’s sake, don’t pretend to be a Bible-thumper.
Well, that’s all I can think of right now. Maybe I’ll revisit the “Men and Women Categories” some other time.