What Kind of Man Are You?

Incredi-Updater strikes again. It’s time for yet another edition of Incredipete’s Wonderful World of Idiotic Opinions. Today is a followup to yesterday’s entry.

Let me, per usual, begin with a belligerent rhetorical question: “Why the heck can’t all men be like me? And why do women so often appear repelled by me?”

There. I’ve said it. So today I will classify men into some interesting categories:

Shy: This guy is afraid to talk to anyone. Especially women, but would prefer to stay hidden in a room by himself. Most likely caused by having too intimate a relationship with one’s mother. This guy will likely cry a lot about being picked on. In reality, he’s so weird, no one in their right mind would talk to him for fear he will someday go postal and kill everyone at his workplace.

Career: This guy couldn’t care less about his stupid family. He only got married and had kids for the tax write-offs, and frankly, he’s starting to feel pretty smart for putting in that pre-nup. This guy believes that in order to be successful at work, you must work more hours than anyone else, make more money than anyone else, and be a heartless manager. (i.e. Never hire a woman to do something a man could do.) Typically this man will expect his female secretary to do his bidding including buying birthday gifts for his children for him.

Asshole: Everyone knows one of these guys. This is the guy that gets ALL the hot chicks. All he wants is to use and abuse as many women as he possibly can, and by darn, they are lined up around the block for the opportunity. Granted, the women that line up for this treatment have often been emotionally neglected by their father because he was in prison their entire life, but that’s beside the point. Other guys wish they could be like the asshole guy, because he always gets what he wants. Despite rumors to the contrary, asshole guy almost always ends up marrying some really nice, good looking woman, who he treats badly but she puts up with it because “he may beat me, but he loves me anyway.”

Know-It-All: Not to be confused with “Genius” this guy is an expert on whatever topic you happen to be discussing. If he’s shopping with a woman, he knows everything about shoe fashion, and will ridicule anyone that stands in his way. If he visits the Smithsonian Air and Space museum, he will claim that if they had only done what he suggested, that we could have landed Apollo 11 on Mars. This guy will use big words to mask his ignorance. He will frequently misuse words, but everyone will let it slide because if they correct him, they’re in for it.

Genius: These guys really are smart, however, they’re about as likely to ever have a girlfriend as I am to be an adult film star. They are completely socially inept, thinly veiled in a shroud of mysterious hobbies that add to the image. Genius guy hobbies may include the following: Superstring Theory Equations using a slide rule, Carrying Pi out to a Googleplex digits with an abacus, Hacking the UN website, Running a porn site, etc. You get the idea. Oh, and normally the genius guy does all of these things from the comfort of his mother’s basement. (I can say that now because I have my own house)

Impatient: This guy thinks the world revolves around him, and lives his life in that manner. In traffic, he will cut you off and then flip you off for honking. He is also the guy that yells at the clerk when the line is longer than 2 people. “Why can’t you hurry up?! I don’t have all day!” Chances are, impatient guy is late for his group therapy, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Falsely Humble: This is the guy that thinks he is the shizznit, but pretends like he’s not that cool. This would be me, in real life. I know I’m awesome, but I pretend to have low self esteem, earning me the title “False Humility Guy.” I’m ok with this, because it has all of the earmarks of the “asshole,” but with a candy coating of “Golly Shucks, I’m not all that.” Let me tell you, chicks don’t dig this personality type…

Jock: Jock is my least favorite. Cheerleaders flock to a jock like an abused woman on an asshole. Jocks are almost always complete Bubba’s but they think they are smart. That’s the irony. If you asked the average football player, high school, college, or pro, chances are they couldn’t tell you the capital of Oregon. (it’s Cumquat, in case you’re wondering) For some reason, women believe these men when they claim to be smart, and I don’t know why. I wish women would just admit that it’s more important to them that their man have bulging muscles than for him to be able to have a multi-syllabic conversation. We all know that’s what’s going on, but nobody, it seems, except me has the guts to say it. So here I am, throwing it out there.

Gay: See Cheerleader

Holier Than Thou: My personal favorite, probably because I was raised surrounded by men like this. HTT guys will tell you to stop listening to your Metallica, and then go home and molest his kids. I’m not kidding with you. These guys will lecture you about any stupid thing, and then you find the barrels stuffed with dismembered bodies buried in their basement. I don’t mind people being creeps, but for Incredipete’s sake, don’t pretend to be a Bible-thumper.

Well, that’s all I can think of right now. Maybe I’ll revisit the “Men and Women Categories” some other time.

  20 comments for “What Kind of Man Are You?

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Car salesmen are bad, but what about (and please believe that I AM a christian and I am NOT knocking christianity) the door to door Jesus salesmen. CHRIST. Even if you tell them that you believe in God and attend church on a regular basis they still act like you are going to hell. I am not sure if they fall into the “patronizing guy” category or the “holier than thou” category. I guess they are a combo. Would you like to super size that? NO? How bout a side of salvation?

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete When I said “car salesmen were absolute pigs,” I meant EXCEPT for my friend “Erin’s” husband, who is a very nice guy.

  3. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT My teeth are straight (relatively), I’ve never had a cavity and I have never had any teeth pulled (I have all of my wisdom teeth)… feel free to hate me now as I go and chew aluminum foil with ease ahhhh…

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Thanks, Teets. My parents actually deserve the credit because they paid for my nearly 6 years of orthodontia, and the 12 teeth I had to have pulled to “uncrowd” my mouth.

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Nero Career guy sounds like a real winner. I’ll probably end up marrying one of those.

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: wilberteets regarding chauvenist males: Jackie, I was once told by a car salesman that I should go home and come back when “hubby” was with me. I told him that I don’t have a “hubby”, but I do have enough CASH to buy the car I wanted, but that since he offended me with his ignorant attitude, I would not be buying it from him. Then I bought it from another salesman at that very lot. I am glad he had the golden opportunity of seeing that I was not bluffing. I wrote a check for my car and hopefully Sparky learned a lesson about offending customers.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wilberteets Incredipete, you have nice teeth.

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I was trained to do what I was told by “Ms. Right” many years ago. So I guess you have her to thank. 😉

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy I think not Roger. If Incredipete had indeed got some Incredinooky he would not be able to contain himself. His entire entry would be devoted to revealing his wedding plans.

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie HOORAY HOORAY!! PETE GOT LAID. >p>

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Roger, I have no comment at this time.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Roger Hi Incredipete, so then you’re unbelievably happy. Sounds like you got some then! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. I am falsely humble man. Cheap super hero material, and self deprocator to the last. Praise me and all who sail in me.

  13. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Jackie:”Virginia is as flat as Britney Spears before surgery”

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Obviously it’s because you are a GIRL and GIRLS don’t know about things like guns and differentials. Duh.

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie The only guy group I can’t abide is “patronizing guy”. This is the guy that thinks I am clearly stupid as shit but acts like I am queen of the world.FOR EXAMPLE: We recently purchased an SUV (yes we are suckers or whatever) and Patronizing guy asks me if it is 4-wheel drive.(Virginia is as flat as Britney Spears before surgery). I say no. Patronizing guy then turns to my husband and asks “do you guys have 4-wheel drive?” WTF?WTF? Then he turns back to me and gives me a conspiratorial look. This has happened to me more times than I can count. Why?

  16. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …that’s because HRT is so dam loveable… or at least that’s what I’d tell you, if it weren’t for my darn humility restraining me… again…

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Believe me, I’ve been looking for that good woman to smack me around for quite some time now. I’m looking forward to it.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea White chick here… very nice Incredipete, but which one were you again? You don’t seem very jockish, I don’t believe you have it in you to be an asshole, I’m not certain that you qualify for genius, and you’re not falsely humble about anything, sooo, I think you’re just a sweet guy with a brain who needs a good woman to smack you around once in a while when you get going on your tangents. ps… I love HRT.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: chadly Dang – HRT just made fun of like 5 people in that entry.

  20. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT So I’m guessing that would make me a falsely-humble-genius-know-it-all-wanna-be-jock-HTT-with-assholish tendancies…at least I’m not gay, those people are going to hell.*

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