Warning: Dangerous Labels Ahead

So last night I found out that nuking frozen hamburger on “high” vs “defrost” really does make a difference. Who knew?

All I wanted to do was thaw it out. You should have smelled it. The smell of nuking hamburger is not a good one at all. I about gagged when I took it out. The middle was thawed nicely, but the entire edge was smoldering and cooked solid. So I had to take the hamburger from the middle and throw the rest away. It was very sad. I was hoping for 2 George Foreman burgers, and I only had enough meat left to make one.

And that brings me to the subject of warning labels. I think that microwaves should have a label on them that says “If you want to defrost something frozen, use “defrost” not “high” otherwise you will ruin your food.”

5 gallon buckets have a “drowning” warning for babies. Ladders have a warning telling you that “For heaven’s sake, don’t consider standing on this ladder.” Preparation H has a label that says “For external use only.” (Not that I have any personal experience with that product.) How freaking stupid would you have to be to eat Prep H?

Then we have warnings on McDonalds coffee “Hey moron, this stuff is HOT.” “Cigarettes cause lung cancer.” No kidding… thanks for the update, Captain Obvious.

All I’m saying is, if we’re going to go crazy with the labels, let’s label EVERYTHING. All items made of glass will say “This is glass… should you break it, the pieces will be sharp and will cut you.” All food of every kind will have a label that says “This is food. Although our theories change from day to day, we’re quite confident that if you eat this, you will die.” Books will have a warning: “This book contains pages made of paper. Paper has been known to cause paper cuts in lab animals.” Warning labels will have a warning label that says “This warning label has been known to choke small children. Also, the adhesive used to affix this warning label is toxic.”

Why be half-baked? This is America, Dammit.


PS – Reading Incredipedro may cause nausea, headache, insomnia, dry mouth, drowsiness, sweating or upset stomach, loss of appetite, unusual weight gain, anal leakage, unusual or severe mental changes, explosive flatulence, fatigue, frequent and/or painful urination, tooth loss, oozing pustules, uncontrolled violent tremors, decreased interest in sex, flu-like symptoms, vision changes, swelling or white spots on the mouth and/or tongue, changes in sexual ability, painful and/or prolonged erection, fainting, irregular/fast heartbeat, and in some rare instances, death.

  10 comments for “Warning: Dangerous Labels Ahead

  1. May 5, 2005 at 10:49 am

    Lets not forget to label guns.

    “Warning the objects that come out of this end of the weapon are traveling very very fast and if you are in front of them they could cause severe damage to your person and even death.”

  2. May 5, 2005 at 11:29 am

    I thought my name was warning enough, but feel free to add “Slippery When Wet” … Now I know what caused the painful erection I last had, and I thought it was a size incompatibility.

  3. May 5, 2005 at 2:48 pm

    Ah yes, the dumbing down of America. Let’s treat us all like fucksticks so companies won’t get sued for stupid shit. BTW, that Stella chick that spilled the coffee in her lap? She was the passenger and the coffee was at something like 120*F. WAAAAAY too hot for coffee.

  4. May 5, 2005 at 2:51 pm

    I think what you were making, there, Pedro, was a White Castle burger. I understand they’re dinky.
    Anyway, I blame the attornies, for everything. They should have labels on their foreheads: “Warning. May cause Americans to turn into greedy morons.”

  5. May 5, 2005 at 4:01 pm

    Personally I’d just settle for one label on everything that says “no matter what you do, you’re gonna die anyway so lieghten the hell up!” … but that’s just me. And just because I’m in a sharing mood, I have had experience with Preparation H and all I can say is thank God for small favors……..

  6. May 5, 2005 at 4:03 pm

    Favors, not FLAVors, right, Ricky? Just checking. Glad you read the label.

  7. May 6, 2005 at 8:53 am

    YOU HAVE BEEN TAGGED!! go to my site for instructions.

  8. HRT
    May 6, 2005 at 9:45 am

    And the truly silly thing is that my Law professor told us that all those waiver forms and warning labels don’t mean jack! That if a product or service injures a person in any way that person may STILL be able to sue for negligence.

    Ain’t the law grand!

  9. May 6, 2005 at 10:56 am

    Probably the labels make the company MORE liable, in that they acknowledge risk. As in, “If you KNEW the coffee was hot, and it required a label warning to that effect, WHY did you serve it to people with small children who could be burned by it?” Instead of, “Sorry, ma’am, but you’re a dumbass. Next time, keep the hot coffee away from your toddler. And pay attention in general.”

  10. May 8, 2005 at 7:36 pm

    I laughed about the prep H comment Incredipete because I did have a similar experience. You DO have to state the obvious. When I worked in a urologist’s office a patient was given a suppository to clean out his bowels for when he came back for his tests. The day he came back he told me it was awful hard to swallow that “bullet” when he couldn’t drink anything after midnight. After doing some more probing (pun intended) it turned out that he in fact ATE the suppository instead of putting it in his rectum. So yes, people do stupid ass things. Guy must have had an inon stomach though, didn’t make him sick at all.

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