UN Press Release: “Terrorism is Naughty”

I guess you probably all read that the U.N. has decided that perhaps they should pass an anti-terrorism agreement. I’m so impressed with their amazing insight. Without them, we’d just go on about our business, thinking happy thoughts about terrorists.

Here is a draft of what the U.N. Anti-Terrorism Agreement would look like if I wrote it:

Section 1 – What we think of terrorists

We think terrorists, in addition to being primarily muslims, are total scum, not deserving of life. We also believe they are not deserving of punishment less than completely cruel and unusual. We think terrorists are what happens when a 3 year old boy doesn’t get spanked enough, then gets told as a teen that he can get lucky with 30 chicks if he just hates infidels. We think that the average terrorist has an IQ running somewhere between “forest gump” and “wombat.”

Section 2 – Dealing with Captured Terror Suspects

All suspected terrorist, or those thought to sympathize and/or fund terrorism, will be taken to a prison camp and gassed.

All terrorists found to have been involved directly in an attack will be slowly tortured until they are deemed by a medical professional as “brain dead” at which point they will be skinned and dunked in lemon juice until they are deceased. All families that have lost loved ones to terror will be allowed to assist in the torture and skinning of terrorists.

Section 3 – Publicity

All torture and execution of terrorists will be televised on network television, during primetime.

Each country will make it clear that retaliation will be swift, and disproportionate. One citizen’s death will be avenged with 1,000 Saudis. One building with a city. One city with one country. Until such time as there are no longer any remaining arab cities.

Section 4 – Footnote to Liberal Nutjobs

All people who think that the new system is too cruel or unusual will be assumed to be terrorist sympathizers, and executed.

All liberal nutjobs taking the side of terrorists will be considered stinking traitors, and will be hung.

Section 5 – Footnote to Non-U.N. Countries

All non-U.N. countries will be assumed to be harboring terrorists, and will not be covered under the Geneva Convention.

U.N. countries which exhibit strange behavior, such as Communism, Dictatorship, or other unfortunate forms of government such as a parliment, will be ousted from the U.N.

Section 6 – Justification

Because we can, beeotch.