Things that Should Be Capital Crimes

It’s time to clean out the scum.

1. Spammers – I propose that the telecommunications industry hire hit squad mercenaries to hunt down and kill spammers. The government does have the stomach to kill citizens, but they’re too afraid of the bad press if they get caught. Telecom is used to bad press, so what would be wrong with a few dead spammers?

2. Drunk Drivers – It’s only a matter of time before a DUI-proned citizen kills an innocent. Let’s have the highway patrol shoot people on the spot of the DUI stop like they do to injured animals. If your life is so bad you can only have fun by getting trashed and you’re also too poor to get a cab, then it sounds like capital punishment would be welcome relief from your life.

3. Fast-Lane Cruisers – The police had better start gunning these people down before I do.

4. Animal Abusers – People who abuse domesticated animals should be FED to animals. We could save our zoos tons of money while simultaneously nipping in the bud what was sure to end up being a serial killer.

5. Identity Thieves – If you are caught using someone else’s social, you are clearly up to no good, and since you apparently don’t have your own identity, no one will mind that you’re dead. That’s logical, right?

6. Regular-Parking-Space-Stealing Handicapped People – I am outraged by the double standard that exists in the handicapped parking world. There are literally ALWAYS 26 handicapped spots within 2 feet of the front door to every establishment, yet I routinely see handicapped people parking in our parking spots. If we then use theirs, we get a ticket. Park in your spots, or sow the seeds of your own destruction!

7. Public Wife-Beater Wearers – All of these men are depraved criminals. They just haven’t been caught yet. I know that sounds like profiling. It is.

8. STD Vectors – You know who you are. People who have STDs but continue sleeping around and not telling anyone. This type of behavior is small-scale biological warfare, which violates every major international treaty in the world. Disgusting AND illegal.

  6 comments for “Things that Should Be Capital Crimes

  1. August 13, 2008 at 4:27 pm


  2. HRT
    August 13, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I particularly agree with #5. I think that if you steal someones identity that victim should be allowed to do whatever they want to the purp, because, technically they’d just be doing to themselves anyway right? Who are we to stop someone from running over their own foot with their own car? Who are we to stop someone from hitting themself in the head 99 times with a hammer? It’s a free country right? Hell, no one has ever been convicted of murder when they committed suicide right? 100% of all successful suicide killers have never been given a day in prison. It’s only logical right?

  3. August 13, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    Good news for you then; Colorado and Illinois have recently enacted Left Lane Laws. I pretty much agree with everything you’ve written.

  4. livieloo
    August 14, 2008 at 6:45 am

    I’ll help you take out those fast lane cruisers anyday. I love them all.

  5. August 15, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    I have to disagree with number 6. Do away with special parking. period. Every person for themselves and parking becomes fun for the hunt of it.
    OH and those “family parking spots”?? They really grind my gears.

  6. Meg
    August 16, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    I however LOVE the family parking spots, because when you’re a) 12 months pregnant and just “have” to get oreo’s and whipped cream before you go to the hospital, or b)have two kids under the age of 6, a diaper bag, a purse and 15 bags of groceries, the last thing you want to do is trying to steal your grandmother’s handicaped window thingy to get a good spot.

    I say as a solution we add more of the family spots and just shoot everyone who feels they need a handicaped spot. If you’re too handicapped to walk that far, then you’re probably too handicapped to be driving in the first place.

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