I’m completely bitter and cynical, as I used to be, because after a scary evening last week, I discontinued the meds. Something about violent tremors made the doc a bit nervous. I go in for a new evaluation on the 12th. But until then, I will continue displaying my natural, truculent personality. Here are some things that absolutely drive me nuts when I’m off my meds:
1. Weasel People – The guy that wanders by while you’re working and glances over your shoulder for 2 seconds, then goes to your boss or your boss’ boss and tells him that you are doing your job wrong. There are many weasel people in the world, and sometimes they’re difficult to identify, because in general, no one listens to them. When they find a willing ear, they give themselves away, because the boss always confronts you about doing your job wrong. Even if you’re not.
2. People that listen to Weasel People – This makes no sense to me. If someone has a reputation of being a filthy, lying weasel, why would anyone take their word for anything. Why would they even bother trying to verify what the WP told them? For some reason, certain people always believe, or at least suspect, that the WP is telling them something substantive.
3. Stupid People – This explains itself, but I still feel compelled to give an example. A definition I once heard for a fool was this: “A fool is someone that does the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” This would be the woman that dates idiot after idiot, and can’t figure out why “all men are idiots.” Umm… it’s not “all men,” it’s you, babe.
4. Happy People – There’s nothing I hate more than a happy person. This is someone that no matter what happens, they’re cheerful and smiling. They always say that ignorance is bliss, and when I see someone that’s always happy, I don’t think “wow, that person’s always happy” I think “wow, that person must be incredibly moronic to not know how much their life sucks.” Am I a pessimist… yes I am.
5. People that get in your business for no reason and backstab you – When you barely know someone but have a chip on your shoulder for some reason, it’s easy to connect dots you think you see and draw your own conclusions. It is not wise, however, to go to a manager and encourage them to turn in another manager, especially when you honestly can’t defend your accusations, since they are mere speculation. If you are too stupid to know that managers talk to each other when it comes to employee backstabbing, you probably had better start looking to change careers, because you are so politically naive that you have no chance at a promotion. Ever. And since most employees that backstab managers have a bad attitude in general, they have usually lost all credibility with management anyway. Most managers have been backstabbed more times than you could count, and they look out for each other, even if they aren’t fond of each other. Call it “Professional Courtesy.” AND, as a sidenote… just because I don’t call you out on something does not mean that I don’t know. I always find out. Always. And more often than that, I’ll never let you know that I know. So you might as well suck it up and confront me face to face if you have a problem with me. Otherwise, go to hell. (sorry about the language, mom)
6. People that say my job is easy, but have never done my job – Ok, what gives? Have you ever done my job? Do you even know what my responsibilities are? I downplay my responsibilities so often that sometimes I think people assume that I do absolutely nothing. There is method to my madness, though, because my main goal as a manager is to encourage my employees to step up and grow. They say that a good manager always helps develop his or her own replacement. It’s very true. I can never be promoted if I’m the only one that knows how to do anything. If I teach my employees to be self-sufficient, and empower them to do their jobs, then I have done a good job. If I micromanage and have to tell them every little thing, then I am a crappy manager. If you think it’s easy to discipline, hire, fire, promote, make decisions that affect an entire season’s worth of production, then you don’t know what you’re talking about. Some people always think “I am smart, tough, and hard working… I could do that job. It would be easy to discipline and fire people.” If you think it’s easy to fire someone or discipline them, then you have absolutely NO business ever managing people. People deserve respect and consideration, and telling someone that you’re firing them and they’ll no longer have an income to feed their kids… that’s as hard as it gets. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights, jitters, and vomitting sessions I’ve had when I have to do those types of things. I lay awake at night and worry that the quality changes we made to the product will fail down the line, and it will be my butt. I do endless, non-stop, detailed, complicated analysis of dozens of things on a daily basis. Just because I make my job look easy to you does not mean I don’t do anything, or that it is easy. It means I am good at it and I don’t whine about it. (Except here and now, but remember, I’m off my meds)
7. People that tell me things but don’t mean them – Nothing is more irritating than finding out that someone is telling me one thing, and behind my back is telling someone else the exact opposite. Grow a spine, for Incredipete’s sake. Better that I know the truth than to find out your a liar.
8. The phone – I hate the phone. I hate it passionately, all the time, and I almost always want to crush it under my tire. I use it when it’s the only way I can talk to someone I need or want to talk to. Most of the time, I’ll just wait until the next time I see the person. I am terrible about returning calls. I don’t usually even listen to my messages, I just delete them. I have an angry message to discourage people from leaving messages, but it doesn’t work. So, I mass delete them every day, and I’m sure people are leaving me angry messages about how I didn’t return their call, but I’ll never know, because I delete those messages, too. I much prefer email or live contact.
9. Rush hour – Why is it that during rush hour, everyone goes 20 MPH? That’s not much of a rush. At 3:00AM, I can go 95 down Interstate 35. That’s rush hour. They should call rush hour “Tard Hour.” What makes people think that they can get in the fast lane and go 45 during rush hour? Every day, I have to pass 75 of them on the right. They’re like rolling roadblocks. It makes no sense… the middle lane has plenty of room for them, as evidenced by the fact that I have room to pass on the right. Yes, I know it’s illegal, but it’s not as illegal as when I ram them and then beat them to death with a pitching wedge. I swear, I am a prime candidate for road rage. I almost rammed an idiot yesterday. When I exited the highway, he was still in the fast lane, and everyone was passing him on the right.
10. Cigarette Smoke – I don’t mind if you smoke. Really, it’s ok. In fact, since I’m really hoping you’ll die soon, I hope you smoke more than you already do. I say this with all sincerity. But do you have to do it indoors? Did you know that smoke carries through the air and ventilation systems? Did you know that every non-smoker in the entire building is wishing rapid, stage 4 lung cancer on you? They are. Take it outside, or go to your house. And when I say “take it outside” I mean “A long stinking way from the doors and windows of the building.” Do you really think it’s ok to smoke 1 foot outside the door? It’s not. I hope you get lung cancer. I’m just saying.
11. Women that complain about dirty bathrooms – I’m sick and tired of hearing about dirty bathrooms. I don’t care. First of all, give me the dirtiest women’s room on the planet, and I’ll give you ANY men’s room and it will be dirtier. Bathrooms, by their very nature, are dirty. Yes, wiping up your messes helps keep up the appearance of cleanliness, but it isn’t actually clean. Hint: You can’t actually SEE germs. They’re just there. If you don’t like public bathrooms, don’t go out in public. But I do not care one iota that it’s dirty.
12. Waiters/Waitresses that ask if you’d “like a refill” – Let’s ask ourselves two questions, shall we: 1. Do I have anything in my glass? 2. Have I paid? If the answer to either or both of these questions is “NO” then YOU NEED TO GET ME A REFILL, STUPIDO! Don’t ask stupid rhetorical questions. If I don’t drink all of it, you, as a server, are not out any money. So just do it.
13. People that talk during movies – I rarely actually lose my cool in public. The one circumstance that can make me go off is if you sit behind me in a theater and whisper or talk. Whispering is even worse than talking, because it’s just loud enough to make my blood pressure spike. I will turn around and ask you to be quiet. If you don’t, I will then stand up and tell you to be quiet. If you still don’t, I will stand up and say loud enough for the entire theater to hear “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP WHISPERING, YOU’RE DRIVING ME NUTS AND RUINING THE MOVIE!” At which point I have engaged the entire audience in the problem, and now they are all annoyed, too. If that doesn’t work, I will go out and tell the 12 year old employee “IF you don’t make the person behind me stop talking, I’m going to personally see that you get beaten to death by the audience.” And if that doesn’t work, I go to customer service, and demand money back… for the entire audience. They’ll be hearing from my lawyer soon.
14. Public Displays of Affection – Totally gross. I don’t want to see you lick your girlfriend’s ear canal. I don’t want to see your girlfriend groping your butt. I don’t want to see you kissing, holding hands, having sex, or whatever else you think is acceptable in public. There is an invisible bubble around each of you, and you must remain inside of yours. God invented housing for a reason. Use it, or be prepared to pay the price.
15. Tough Guys – I hate men that think they are tough. “Hey man, I’m gonna cut you.” Um… probably not, because I’m going to get in my car and leave, then send the police in, since they have guns. Feel free to cut them. It’s always the 5 foot tall scrawny guys that think they’re gangbangers. Just because you wear a wife-beater and a do rag does not make you tough. Since I weigh roughly 4 times what you do, and I’m a foot taller, chances are that you could hit me quite a bit without knocking me down. And don’t think I’m afraid to fight dirty, because I’m not. I will kick you squarely in the junk, or poke your eyes out. When I was in high school, the crazy mexican, Mike, pulled a knife because he saw me “talking to his woman.” Grow a brain, and then you won’t need the knife.
16. Liberals – Speaking of growing a brain… let me ask a few questions and leave it at that: 1. Do you really want to work hard and then give your money to people that don’t work hard? 2. Do you really want the government deciding how to spend your money, keeping in mind this is the government that spends 600$ for a hammer? 3. Do you honestly think that giving people handouts is good for them, or does it more than likely teach them helplessness? 4. Do we really want to decrease our military spending so that countries like China can surpass us and eventually nuke the crap out of us? 5. Do you really think that it’s a vast right-wing conspiracy when Republicans give taxpayers some of their hard-earned money back? 6. Do government-run social programs benefit those in need, or do they primarily create jobs for lazy government employees who soak up the benefits and do nothing to actually help the needy?
17. The “Supreme” Court – Who died and made them God? How can they decide that killing someone is right or wrong, while hiding behind the semantics. “It’s unconstitutional to tell a woman she can’t kill her baby.” Whatever. The constitution says nothing about the topic, and anything the justices infer about the topic is purely made up in their own heads. That’s why it’s always a clear split when that topic comes up. If the Constititution said “A woman has the right to kill her offspring when it’s the most convenient thing to do” then I would agree that the “Supreme” court had the authority to rule on the subject. But it doesn’t, and they don’t.
18. The “Reverend” Al Sharpton – This liberal loon is using the church as a platform to spout his totally anti-Christian views. I’m ok with him being a stupid liberal, but when he reaches the Pearly Gates, I think he’s gonna get flushed.
19. Fear Factor – AKA “Gross Factor.” I’m not “afraid” to eat 12 stink beetles. However, it is gross and would make me barf. Fear is what happens when you realize your plane is going down. Gross is when you realize you just ate half of a bug. If you’re going to have a show called Fear Factor, please restrict your challenges to “Fear” and lay off the “Gross.” Thanks.
20. Girls that call me when they get dumped – Listen up girls. I’m not your girlfriend. I don’t want you to cry on my shoulder, I don’t want to comfort you. You’re an idiot for dating a jerk, and it’s not my problem that you keep doing it over and over. Obviously you know I’m a better man than them, since you call me when you need comfort, but frankly, I’m just too busy to listen to you whine about your own bad decisions. Once, maybe… but after that you’d better either find a better man, or start dating me. But if you think I want to hear how your date went, and that you “think he might be the one” you are sadly mistaken.