Things I Learned In Medic First Aid Training
1. The HiemlichÂ® Maneuver is not only trademarked, it is also much more effective to apply the maneuver to the abdomen then to apply it while cupping the boobs.
2. When someone is in the ‘recover’ position, and the teacher asks “What does this look like,” the correct answer is not “She looks Viet Cong to me.”
3. If the teacher asks if he can touch you, it will freak him out if you say “Yes, please!”
4. If you blow too hard while doing mouth-to-mouth, you can pop someone’s lungs.
5. When doing CPR, 9 times out of 10, you will crack their ribs, and it’s perfectly normal.
6. The pattern for CPR is 15 compressions to 2 breaths. 3 to 2 will result in neurological death. (Sorry about that Ms. Right…now you know you’re brain dead.)
7. The AED (Automatic External Defribulator) gives voice instructions, and the first thing it says is “Strip the patient. Cut clothes away using the scissors provided in the AED kit.” I’m not making this up.
8. If the patient is hairy, you have to shave them before you apply the pads. The AED also includes a razor.
9. I fear that someday I will have to strip a female employee and then shave her chest.
10. When someone is unresponsive, you should not shake them violently while yelling at them to wake up. Something about neck injury, blah blah, yada yada.
Even More Things That Drive Me Nuts
Can you belive it, there are more than 35 things that drive me nuts when I’m off my meds. WAY more than 35.
36. People that are ultra “PC” – and don’t laugh at jokes that are a little bit un-PC, like the “Viet Cong” joke. Get a grip… it’s a joke. Nobody here hates Viet Cong, except for a few of the Vietnam War vets that were almost killed by Viet Cong. And when someone refers to the CPR dummy as a “mannequin” it is not a statement that it is somehow a “man.” “Womanequin” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Sometimes the correct response is just to snicker and then get on with your life.
37. Sarcastic waiters – I had one of these a couple days ago. I am the customer. I’m allowed to be sarcastic. You’re not. Well, you can be if you want, but if you do, you’re not getting a tip. Sorry bub.
38. People that tell me I don’t know what I’m getting into and I won’t be able to handle it – The topic is irrelevant. What makes you think you’re so much better than me, or that you know what I’m capable of handling? What have I ever decided to do, and then failed at? Can anyone think of anything? Neither can I. So next time you start thinking I can’t handle it, just ask yourself… “Why?”
39. Heineken – Am I the only person on earth that thinks that this stuff smells and tastes like a skunk with gas? I almost can’t believe how bad it tastes, and I really can’t believe anyone drinks it. And I don’t say this from the perspective of someone that doesn’t like beer. I like beer a lot. I like lagers, I even like Guinness. But Heineken tastes like, well… hiney.
40. Criminal Defense Attorneys – I believe that everyone has the right to a fair trial… unless everybody knows the did it. Defense Attorneys love to defend the people that everyone knows did the crime. Let’s use a high-profile case as an example: OJ Simpson. Everyone in the world knows that OJ killed Nicole. People in the black community stood behind him, because somehow it became a “race issue,” but I think that even those that were standing behind him knew that he did it. They just didn’t want to see a “White justice system” convict yet another black man. I could be wrong. I’m not black. But I know OJ killed Nicole. Any attorney that knowingly defends a guilty party should be disbarred.
41. People that know it all – Someone once told me that she “could learn how to do ANYTHING in one year.” She wasn’t being sarcastic. She really believes she could learn to do any job in one year. I pointed out that there are many jobs I doubted she could learn in one year, like “Lynne’s” job as a programmer, or say, a brain surgeon, or a Constitutional law professor. She still stuck to her position that she could learn anything in one year. I’m impressed, except… not. If you are that full of yourself, chances are you’re not actually good at ANYTHING. People that are lazy and have no useful skills are always the ones that make comments like that.
42. Technologically helpless people – I hate people that can’t seem to do anything for themself. You shouldn’t need to call me when you want to turn on your computer. That’s just dumb. There’s nothing you could do, short of tossing it out the window, that could really do damage to your computer. I’m not saying I won’t have to come reformat it, but hardware-wise, you can’t hurt it.
43. People that don’t give Ronald Reagan credit for his accomplishments – For instance winning the cold war, saving a doomed “Carter” economy, including fighting off the first instance of stagflation to ever occur… I could go on. You’re gonna hate him because what? He’s a Republican? Come on. I am fully willing to acknowledge what Bill Clinton was able to accomplish during his tenure. Is it because the economy sucked during his time? Hello: Oil Shock, Carter’s S&L legislation that led to the crash of the entire system, building more nukes than Russia could afford in order to cause communist Russia to fall…
44. Girls that play games – Yup. I’m a sucker, and when a gal tells me something, I try to believe it. Usually that results in a large emotional and monetary drain, followed by “Let’s just be friends.” Bite me.
45. Boxers – Who ever thought it would be a cool idea to make little shorts with a hole in the front for men to wear? Am I the only person that sees the problem with having a hole in front? No man actually uses the hole for the ‘intended’ purpose. So why is it there? I think a woman invented it…
46. Bras with 3 or more hooks – This needs no explanation.
47. People with good hair – People always complain about how much it costs and how much time it takes to take care of their hair. Poor Poor baby.
48. People that send forwards every day – I have about 10 people that send me forwards every day. I don’t think they even know I’m on their mailing list. The thing is, sending me a forward because I’m on your mailing list does not say “Incredipete, I’m thinking of you” it says “Incredipete, I care enough to send you random crap you won’t care about.” If “Lynne” sends me a forward, I read it, because she has taken the time to read it and think “Incredipete would really like this” and then send it to me. She doesn’t send it to her entire mailing list, because I guarantee, not everyone on the list will like it.
49. People that have crappy yards – It only takes an hour or two per week to have a great looking lawn. It only takes another couple beyond that to have nicely groomed bushes, happy flowers, and keep your house up. If you don’t care enough to have it look good, then you should move into an apartment. I especially hate it when someone that lives close to me has a crappy looking yard. I don’t want their crap bringing down my property value.
50. People with a better yard than me – This occassionally happens, albeit not often. I hate it when people have perfection in front of their house. They spend 40 hours a week in their yard, and make everyone else look bad. I don’t have that kind of time.
Tomorrow I plan to list the things that don’t drive me nuts. I think that may be a quicker way to get done with this topic…