I’d like to tell you a little story.
One time there was a nerdy boy named Incredipete. He was in 5th grade. He was chunky, shy, and generally afraid to talk to anyone, especially the opposite sex.
In the 5th grade, there was a girl, that every guy in the class had a crush on. Her name was Angie. She was the only girl at that young age that had “developed” if you get my drift.
Angie was dating the coolest 6th grade boy in the school, and they had a turbulent relationship. Angie got mad at her boyfriend, and during history one day, she wrote a note and passed it to him.
The teacher, Ms. Guess (I swear, that’s her real name) intercepted the note before it made it all the way to him. A little about Ms. Guess. First of all, she was a trailer-trash beeotch that should have been a short order cook at a crappy restaurant. Her husband left her to, I’m not making this up either, be a tornado chaser. Full time. He drove around and followed storm systems. Hopefully this is painting a picture for you. To add to the ugliness, Ms. Guess had a son, Aaron. Aaron was IN the frickin class. If I were going to describe Aaron, I’d say that he was somewhere between Charlie Manson and Charlie Sheen. He was one of the “cute” boys in the class, and he was the most evil 5th grader that’s ever lived. He could get away with it, because his trailer-trash mom was the teacher. Anyhoo, enough about her.
Ms. Guess made it her policy to read intercepted notes aloud in front of the class. This policy is almost as smart as the U.S. policy of getting into land wars in Asia.
So Ms. Guess took the note Angie had written to the front of the class and began reading it to the class. “Dear Doug, I hate your guts you jerk. You are the biggest loser in the entire world. I’d go out with Incredipeter before I’d ever go out with you again.”
I did my best to slink down under my desk, as all eyes were on me. Later that morning at recess, Angie and her “posse” came up to me on the playground. I assumed she was there to apologize… boy was I wrong. She said “Incredipeter, I want to make sure you understand. I don’t want to go out with you, I was just using you as a comparison.”
Well duh. I hadn’t figured that out, Angie. Thanks for caring enough to explain it to me.
My friends told her to go away and that she was a slut. I’m sure she wore it as a badge of honor.
Ironically, Doug (her ex boyfriend) and I became friends, and remained friends till after high school when for all intents and purposes, we lost contact. I still see him occassionally at reunions and such, and we get along great. I think he showed his character by not being afraid to hang out with the biggest loser in the school. So here’s to Doug, for being a cool guy. Here’s to Angie, for being such a sweetheart. Here’s to Ms. Guess for being the most insensitive adult in my entire life.
It’s no wonder I’m still afraid to talk to females.
I was reminded of that little tale after recently dreaming about Aaron… and yes, in my dream, he was still a little 5th grade weasel boy.
Thanks for listening.