So, it’s the fourth of July holiday, and we are all forced to ponder the greatness of this nation. For me, it isn’t the history of defeating our enemies against all odds, or bullying small countries with our massive firepower. For me, what really speaks volumes about America, is the vast amount of firepower that is wielded by the entire American population over this holiday weekend. Yes, I’m talking about fireworks.
You can tell that the holiday is drawing near by the explosions and screams of agony coming from every driveway in the neighborhood. You see, in America, it’s not enough to have fireworks on the actual holiday, and it’s not enough to leave the fireworks to professionals.
Every man, woman, and child in America has the god-given right to blow up sticks of dynamite, and whatever else they can find with explosive properties. You have your “Under 3” fireworks, like sparklers and snakes, which are given to toddlers in order to remove their natural respect for fire. As kids grow up, they are given larger and larger explosives until they are adults, at which point all reason goes out the window. For adult males, in particular, the fourth of July is a challenge… a rite of passage as the American Uber-male.
Over the counter fireworks are ok, if you’re a wimp, but nothing says “I love my country” like strapping 100 M-80’s to a 5 gallon gas can full of racing fuel. Or using household solvents and a metal trash can to create a fifty gallon Hiroshima. Yes, as the American uber-male, you are limited only by your imagination. Budget is unimportant, because almost anything you find around the house is flammable or explosive, even the house itself. If you have a little creativity, you can defeat your neighbors in the “loudest explosion” competition. Yes, it’s never publicized, but we all know that’s what’s happening.
If you are afraid of fire, then you’d best stay in your house this weekend, because the sky is gonna be lit up. You might want to hose down your roof, because the neighbor kids have 500 bottle rockets, and they’ve got your name on them.
God bless the USA.