The Rocket’s Red Glare

So, it’s the fourth of July holiday, and we are all forced to ponder the greatness of this nation. For me, it isn’t the history of defeating our enemies against all odds, or bullying small countries with our massive firepower. For me, what really speaks volumes about America, is the vast amount of firepower that is wielded by the entire American population over this holiday weekend. Yes, I’m talking about fireworks.

You can tell that the holiday is drawing near by the explosions and screams of agony coming from every driveway in the neighborhood. You see, in America, it’s not enough to have fireworks on the actual holiday, and it’s not enough to leave the fireworks to professionals.

Every man, woman, and child in America has the god-given right to blow up sticks of dynamite, and whatever else they can find with explosive properties. You have your “Under 3” fireworks, like sparklers and snakes, which are given to toddlers in order to remove their natural respect for fire. As kids grow up, they are given larger and larger explosives until they are adults, at which point all reason goes out the window. For adult males, in particular, the fourth of July is a challenge… a rite of passage as the American Uber-male.

Over the counter fireworks are ok, if you’re a wimp, but nothing says “I love my country” like strapping 100 M-80’s to a 5 gallon gas can full of racing fuel. Or using household solvents and a metal trash can to create a fifty gallon Hiroshima. Yes, as the American uber-male, you are limited only by your imagination. Budget is unimportant, because almost anything you find around the house is flammable or explosive, even the house itself. If you have a little creativity, you can defeat your neighbors in the “loudest explosion” competition. Yes, it’s never publicized, but we all know that’s what’s happening.

If you are afraid of fire, then you’d best stay in your house this weekend, because the sky is gonna be lit up. You might want to hose down your roof, because the neighbor kids have 500 bottle rockets, and they’ve got your name on them.

God bless the USA.

  66 comments for “The Rocket’s Red Glare

  1. The
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: The Mammoth Hunter

  2. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …it was at 15:55:35 on July 6,2004 that Thea officially stepped off the deep end into the great abyss known as insanity. She was a great gal with an even greater pair of… well that matters not right now, we can all just remenisce about how a mind is a terrible thing…

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Of course, why? Do you have one for us?

  4. The
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: The Horny Excluded Ass All of these big words. Has anyone heard of the word acronym?

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Kan you say ‘firewalls’? Don’t worry Big Papa, I’m on yo side b. I’m an honorary member of the GCBF (patent pending…) GotChurBackFoundation. “We got chur ‘way’ back”

  6. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT At this rate I’m going to actually have to get some funding and really establish the ELS© and it’s sister foundation the ELFF©. The Eternal Life Funeral Foundation “We put the ‘fun’ back in Funeral”

  7. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Fo sho: From the urban contemporary vernacular meaning with certainty or “for sure” see also: fo shizzle my nizzle and mos def mah homie

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea I couldn’t find that in my thea-saurus anywhere!

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Dude, you said ‘Fo Sho’, niiice.

  10. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …oh and I knew the M.L. you were referring to… otherwise you would’ve seen a verry stirring rendition of “I have a dream…” in this space…

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HandyPandy A lie can make it around the world before the truth gets it’s shoes tied.

  12. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT oh I will get jiggy with the best of em. Just trying to keep it real 24/7 in the oh Fo, Fo sho.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Truth is in the heart of those who feel complete love. In that, I have no doubt.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete And yes, I meant “Martin Luther” – the founder of the reformation… not “Martin Luther King” – the founder of fighting off the oppression of “the man.”

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete In fact, I would say that differing opinions are what make life interesting. These conversations would be boring if everyone agreed.

  16. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Thea-child, don’t feel that if you disagree in whole or in part with something that I or stinky-Incredipete have come to believe as Truth that you can’t play anymore. Quite the contrary. I think doubt and discovery are twins along the same trail. Just never be afraid to look for the Truth or be so jaded that when you find real Truth that you wander off.

  17. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I was into the Beasties when Paul’s Boutique was nothing but a two-bit hair salon with 2 broken hair dryers and a barber with an eye-patch.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea who doesn’t care for fluff… Sorry, I wasn’t trying to avert the conversation in it’s entirety. I feel a little differently that’s all. We (The Man and myself) have a good deal worked out, … I raise a healthy, intellegent, grounded young lady on my own, live a good life, be nice to animals, and we get to come & play a few hands of cards at his table when it’s our time.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete As much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t listened to the Beastie boys nearly as much as I should have…

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea I can’t believe I got nadda from either of you on the Beastie lyrics.

  21. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …without politics and religion, you’re left talking about the weather… oh no wait, you can’t talk about the weather in too much detail, or you might accidentally mention something about the heavens.

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I love strife! You know what the Bible says… “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman that shows no discretion.” – Proverbs something.

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Shit, you got me. So? Did he get on or what?

  24. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT That’s pronounced HeySUS, HeySUS. And he kicks 9th on my kickball team… You’d think with a name like Jesus, he’d be a little better than he is… I mean we just ask him to get on base… its not like we’ve asked him to walk on water…*milky-way*

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Hey, how about no politics, no religion? That way we have no strife, and we can all jostle our minds for a good bout of wit.

  26. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Very impressed with your vocabulary. And I admit to checking my spelling as well. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a literate family (father is a writer, sister is a high school english-lit teacher, brother is journalism major, mother is working on master’s)where it is a huge sin to use small words, or worse yet, use improper grammar.

  27. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea OK, … wow. As I am more than impressed by a delectible vocabulary, I’ve managed to pull all of mine straight from my ass. You on the other hand just had me laughing so hard, there’s no possible way you could hold a conversation with out either peeing your pants or just plain cracking up. Incredipete – Jesus is my busboy at the restaurant, be nice. *snicker*

  28. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …higher standard than I’m currently achieveing… Jesus is most certainly the Gold Standard… Gold, Diamond, Platinum… Plutanium…

  29. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …oh and I only used the dictionary to make sure I spelled the words right… I may have a voluminous vocabulary… but it doesnt mean I can spell worth a lick…

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Higher standard than whose? Jesus? I’d like to see you try and hold yourself to a higher standard, buddy.

  31. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I’m just a good ‘ol fashioned bible-thumping-Holy-Ghost-prayin-Halleluja-shouting-God-fearing-holy-rollering-closed-minded-only-to-the-casual-observer-not-trying-to-judge-leaving-that-to-God-people-loving-hell-avoiding-trying-to-be-less-hypocritical-every-day-but-not-afraid-to-hold-only-myself-to-a-higher-standard-Jesus freak…

  32. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Dang you’re good HRT. Of course, I didn’t use a dictionary to create my comment… did you?

  33. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT THEAsauruses and You…

  34. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Personally, HRT, I don’t consider myself a proliterian. Marx missed the third boat, because I’m also not bourgeois. I prefer to be classified as “Incredipete-itarian.” Thanks.

  35. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea – and that is my real name And, I’m happy to be a denizen of such versitile convocation. Bless you Incredipete for bearing such an element to us all.

  36. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea ps … ‘I catch 11 points for the word quagmire’ … that’s right.

  37. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Oh, HRT, it’s not every day I hear someone use the word “recrementitious” in a context other than a spelling bee. Thanks for that!

  38. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete The salacious reparte’ on this thread is filling me with the desire to increase my use of precocious vocabulary whenever I am waxing loquacious. Otherwise, I might leave my more educated and enlightened readers feeling lugubrious. We wouldn’t want that.

  39. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …but what does keeping your crops well watered by methods of artificially bringing liquid refreshment through methods of direct automated hydration have to do with Wendy?

  40. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT BTW I agree with Incredipete… Janeane Garafalo IS a hottie… I’ve had a school-boy’s crush on her for about a decade and a half…something about that razor-sharp wit is attractive as hell…

  41. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT whoa… simma down now… “vexation”,”nuisance” AND “verbage” in the same sentence, in the same post… we don’t want to send TOO much traffic to http://www.dictionary.com we can’t exasperate the recrementitious, ineptitude of the proletariate assemblage that are the perviewers of this fair site by communicating in the vernacular which is peculiar to these denizens.

  42. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Actually miss thing, that was called affection. Something of which I doubt you receive on a regular basis. I happen to enjoy HRT’s sense of humor. My concern for being penetrated is not of the utmost importance in any of these conversations, (see:Incredipete’s joke last week). Why is it that someone like you can show up out of nowhere and manage to smear the shit that is your personality every where you type? You are a nuisance and a vexation to all who have to scroll past your verbage.

  43. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy You are correct BJizzle. The answer most definitely is (e)! Let me also compliment you on the warning to the recently silent and certainly not missed, thea and Mammoth Hunter. You should get into some kind of work doing public service announcements. As for you HRT, your individual diary entry gave me nightmares, but I must say I am somewhat, no minutely, impressed by your ability to do well in front of crowds. Unlike the before mentioned rhoids, you did indeed incite at least one chuckle from the never easy to please, Wendy. Good job. Now, for what I hope to be the last time……….I must insist that thea clam up and while she is at it bite me. What is the deal with you? Always wanting to kiss someone or be kissed and or penetrated by something. It seems like Mommy and Daddy didn’t spend quite enough time with their little girl. Grow up for the love of Christ!

  44. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete And yes, I know all about the missed medication. I myself am in the same boat. I have to go now before the CIA tracks my IP address and sends in commandos to kill me.

  45. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I’m hoping it’s (b) Janeane Garafalo because I think she is SUPER HOT! Every time I see her, my heart palpitates.

  46. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Please forgive all comments made by Brian. Because of the three day weekend he was not able to get his last dose of medication and the hallucinations have started. He is normally kept indoors due to his illness (note the reference to “big brother”)But I had to let him out this weekend or the state will take him back. Thnxs.

  47. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: BJizzle In order to not incur the wrath of Jackie (my wife, not my cat) I hereby apologize for calling here my cat.

  48. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: BJizzle For Wendy’s disposition, I choose (e). Thea, neither you nor the Mammoth Humper want none (Please note: intentional grammatical error)… Trust me. Also note, I am posting this at work, and my e-mail address is removed by Big Brother. I am not, repeat, not too timid to leave an address. You may reply to me via Wendy’s comments section. Incredipete, any posting from BJizzle is from Brian, not Jackie. Jackie is my cat… I live alone.

  49. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …but what does keeping your crops well watered by methods of artificially bringing liquid refreshment through methods of direct automated hydration have to do with Wendy?

  50. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Correction: irritating …

  51. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea HRT: You are officially hired as my consulting author to the criminally insane. That was a storke of sheer genius, and you should be kissed. Wendy: Go find some other people to annoy/antagonize/bother, or I’m going to sick my friend the Mammoth Hunter on you. You are beyond lame and utterly irritaing. Incredipete: You missed a mean bonfire at the lake.

  52. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR:

  53. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT The poll of the day should be this: Who do you think Wendy is most like in real life?:

  54. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Yeah Teets, somehow my friend survived. I’m sure he’ll be up for a Darwin award before too long.

  55. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Roger Sorry Incredipete, but whats an MBA? I don’t think we have anything with those initials in the UK. Is it academic, religious, physical, what?? No doubt one of your more excitable posters will beat you to it, and decry my ‘limey’ ignorance (hello Wendy). I hope you enjoyed the holiday, Rog.

  56. I'm
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: I’m Shameless Incredipete, are you ready to put your $ where your S&M mouth is? Check it out…http://imshameless.diaryland.com/Incredipete.html

  57. The
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: The Saucy Redhead Congrats on getting into the MBA program. Good stuff. Is your M80/gastank friend still among the living, or did he receive the Darwin award for dumb ways to die? hehehe The uncle I wrote about is working tirelessly towards his Darwin award.

  58. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete While I am forced to stand up for my regular readers in general, and it pains me to agree with Wendy, I must say that we Yanks did indeed whip the living crap out of those imperialist swine redcoats. (Sorry, HP, and all my other British readers…it had to be said)

  59. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Yo Incredipete, you need to get with HandyPansey ASAP and let that Limey know that he is in no way equipped to handle the fury that is me. Fourth of July, not exactly a British holiday? DUH!!!! Yeah, like a whole freaking country would celebrate an ass whoopin! Just so you know HP,(does anybody have a real damn name?), there is a reason for going off on you. It is simply because I can.

  60. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Well Incredipete I have been following along through all of the comments that have been flying back and forth and I must say you weatherd Wendy’s shitstorm pretty well, props. But I have to ask,are you a sadist?

  61. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HandyPandy I saw the hatred directed towards me on Wendy’s site. I like to read Incredipete, and I don’t find it uplifting when a stranger goes off on him for no reason, or me for that matter. Even though I’m in London, and it’s not exactly a British holiday, to all my American friends (Wendy not included), Happy Fourth of July!

  62. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: jameyz2@earthlink.net Dear Incredipete: Isn’t it amazing that your randy and ultr-hip website can incite so much raunchy anger? Wow you’ve started something completely new: webrage! That’s right now people don’t have to go out into the streets, in their cars, to find innocents victims to stalk, they can do it anonymously on YOUR website. WooohHoo! Honestly, I had to ask my neighbors: Please don’t point your bottle rockets directly at my 150.k home…Where did the idea come from? Where are the parent(S)? Stupid, stupid, stupid. Americans please lets get lives! UBERMORONS! God Bless, Jamey

  63. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: OneHotMama18 Oh, and Congrats! Way to go!

  64. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: OneHotMama18 My neighbor caught his bushes on fire last night. The front of his house is black. What a moron!

  65. Ms.
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Ms. Right Congrats! I knew you’d get in! I just caught up on my reading. That was quite the thread you had going on Friday. Lot’s of opinionated people.

  66. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Hello, American Uber-males, and Uber-chicks. I want to let you know that a very exciting piece of mail came today: I’ve officially been accepted into the MBA program. It won’t be long and I’ll be “MasterIncredipetee” – Ok, not really. I’m just excited so I decided to share. It’s my site, and I’ll share my boring life with you whether you like it or not!

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