The Proverbial Toad for Breakfast

Let me tell you about my morning.

So today about 4 AM, Amber starts whimpering and scratching at the door. So being the good dog owner that I am, I put on pants and took her outside. She seemed relieved, so we went back inside.

I woke up to the sound of something explosive and squishy. I turned on the light, and it looked like a crime scene next to my bed. She had exploded from the rear end, and left a huge puddle and splatters up the wall. It was overwhelming, especially considering I was sleeping peacefully until 1 second before.

So I took her outside to make sure there wasn’t anymore in there, and then I went around the house collecting the various gear I’d be needing to clean up the mess…. towels, paper napkins, plastic bags, space suit, oxygen tank, gasoline, and matches. Then I went about cleaning up the mess.

After I finished, I went ahead and got ready for work, right to the part where I went to put on my class ring. It got stuck. Firmly stuck. It wouldn’t budge, and my finger was starting to turn purple, so I went towards the kitchen to find some dish soap to lubricate my ring.

I turned the corner to the dining room, and there was… another crime scene. The poopie bandit had struck again, this time splattering a wide dispersment pattern all the way across the dining room, including on 3 walls. Needless to say I was not thrilled.

I grabbed the electric shock collar, and sent Amber outside, where she will remain until she can prove she has control over her bowels. I got more equipment, and cleaned.

And cleaned.

And cleaned.

Then I realized I still hadn’t finished putting my ring on, and now my finger hurt so bad I thought I’d need it amputated. The finger was starting to swell, making it even more difficult to budge. Finally after soaking my finger in Jergen’s lotion, it slid on. So far, my finger hasn’t fallen off.

That’s how I started my day. How about you?


  28 comments for “The Proverbial Toad for Breakfast

  1. August 19, 2005 at 10:32 am

    You said “I put on pants” and my eyes went blurry… rarr!!

  2. August 19, 2005 at 10:35 am

    That was for you, baby.

  3. August 19, 2005 at 10:43 am

    Hey, that Jergens got to lubricate something else for a change. 😉

    I hope your puppy’s ok. Our dog ate a candy bar once, and we had explosive diarrhea coming out of her for days. Yuck.

  4. August 19, 2005 at 10:44 am

    I’m sorry you’re having a lousy day, Incredipete, but you made MINE (you are a freegin’ genius!) Hey, keep an eye on the pooch — that doesn’t sound so good… Poor sweetie.

  5. August 19, 2005 at 11:31 am

    Honey, I’m sorry your pooch had a case of the Assclowns this morning.
    Look at it this way: all uphill from here!

  6. August 19, 2005 at 12:09 pm

    You ain’t lived until that happens in your bed. I’ve had leaky peepee diapers, leaky poopy diapers AND puke down my back. And no shock collar in sight.

    Sorry your day started out so shitty.

  7. August 19, 2005 at 12:11 pm

    I’ve definitely had my fair share of baby poop/barf/pee on me, but doggie diarhea is really much grosser. I mean, it’s from a dog, for Incredipete’s sake!

  8. August 19, 2005 at 12:30 pm

    LOL – Rachel, you said Assclowns.

    Hee HEEEEEE.

    Now whisper those three words…

  9. August 19, 2005 at 12:45 pm

    I think what you ment to say is “I went back into the bedroom and got the bottle of jergins loation off the nightstand and then removed my ring”.

  10. Rik
    August 19, 2005 at 1:13 pm

    Tanya stole my line. 🙁 I gotta get up earlier i guess. Just to gloat, i got up at 8 today, so i guess that’s either 10 or 11 for all y’all. My room smelled like ass, but that was from 11pm taco bell, and i didn’t have to clean anything up. 😉 Just open up the window and BAM!
    Anyway, sorry about the poop-soup Incredipete. And thanks for not posting any of the buttmud pictures.

  11. August 19, 2005 at 2:00 pm

    Well, since you asked. My day started quite well! My daughter & I slept in until 7:30, got dressed, brushed teeth, tripped over the cat 4 times… (he’s plotting my death so he can survive on my rotting carcass til the cops come for me..), then we picked up fresh bagels & I took her to work with me… We’re now finishing a fantastic Greek salad & I think a nap is in order.

  12. August 19, 2005 at 2:02 pm

    No shit yet today… I’ll just give it time.

  13. August 19, 2005 at 2:55 pm

    See now, when Jenna gets home you can just leave those womanly duties to her!

  14. August 19, 2005 at 3:01 pm

    Wow, when did Dog Shit Cleaner Upper become a female job?? For shame D.K.

  15. August 19, 2005 at 3:09 pm

    Thea, you’re so hot when you get all equal rightsy.

  16. August 19, 2005 at 3:12 pm

    I’ll bet Jenna would have helped me clean it up…

  17. August 19, 2005 at 3:17 pm

    whatcha bettin’?

  18. August 19, 2005 at 3:18 pm

    I’ve been called ‘foxy’… how’s that for my dating timeline?

  19. August 19, 2005 at 3:26 pm

    Jenna’s more of a giver than you give her credit for…

  20. August 19, 2005 at 3:44 pm

    WHAT the FUCK?

  21. August 19, 2005 at 3:44 pm

    was that it?
    I can’t remember!

  22. August 19, 2005 at 3:47 pm

    You are the mighty talker of all things good & sweet aren’t you?

  23. August 19, 2005 at 4:01 pm

    I thought taking care of men’s shit was always the woman’s job. In the men’s perfect little world.

  24. August 19, 2005 at 5:17 pm

    I think it was “what the FUCK?”

  25. August 20, 2005 at 9:09 am

    I knew I’d be too late to the part to make pantsless or lotion jokes. So, I’ll just leave now and chow my resume to random people.

  26. August 20, 2005 at 9:10 am

    Fuckall…I can’t type. Late to the PARTY. Sometimes I hate myself.

  27. August 20, 2005 at 3:36 pm

    Don’t worry NGD, there’s always a party in my pants. 😉

  28. August 21, 2005 at 5:21 pm

    My day started just like your’s Incredipete! was my ass spackling the walls and carpet.

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