Yes, of course I’m referring to the illustrious candidates for POTUS.
As I like to do once the parties have selected their nominees, I will now summarize the pros and cons of each candidate in my completely non-biased manner so that you may select properly. I realize that this particular set of chuckleheads is so similar that it’s hard to remember which is which. Fortunately, that means when you residents of Florida who can’t mark the correct candidate on the card won’t have any noticeable affect on the country.
I will not be endorsing either candidate at this time, because the thought of backing either of them makes me barf in my mouth.
We’ll do age before beauty:
- Not a huge wussie – other countries know that if they mess with McCain he won’t hesitate to slap them silly, in the nuclear sense.
- Wants to kill earmarks, which is good because if every Senator puts in 100 million in pork a year, that’s 5 billion dollars. And we all know there’s way more than 5 billion in pork each year – you do the math. Your tax dollars at work.
- Will appoint constructionist judges (he claims), which is good because constructionist judges are judged who try to interpret the Constitution in the historical context rather than trying to extrapolate stuff
- He doesn’t think it’s cool to kill American citizens just because they aren’t born yet.
- Likes that we’re in Iraq – proving that even the most experienced person is still capable of brain damaged behavior. We are spending billions of dollars a week in that god-forsaken country, and heck, we don’t even buy oil from them.
- Has a history of political compromise and wussiness, wrote the Kennedy-McCain Import Non-English-Speaking Democrat Voters Act of 2007 which was fortunately killed, and also wrote the McCain-Fiengold Campaign Finance Act which made sure that goofy, spacktarded organizations like moveon.org could funnel money into campaigns but that normal rich people couldn’t.
- He’s old – and lord knows being POTUS ages a guy like crazy.
- Wants to end the war in Iraq, proving that even if he’s doing it for the wrong reasons, at least he’s doing the right thing.
- He’s fun to listen to and he’s dead sexy – who wants to listen to a nasal old dude mumble around when they can hear Obama’s JFKesque speeches that give you chills (albeit speeches written by professional writers, not Obama).
- He has a great education
- Being a 5 year old kid in another country does not equal “foreign policy experience” and if he’s elected president, we’ll almost certainly have another terrorist attack – just to test him and see if he has any cahones.
- He apparently flunked high school economics, where they teach you that taxing companies and giving the money to lazy people who don’t work is very likely to mean the companies will produce less and thus all prices will go up….
- He voted to keep partial birth abortion legal – the procedure where they take a baby AS it’s being born, pull the head out with forceps, gouge a hole in the baby’s head, then suck the brains out with a vacuum… literally. Anyone who supports such a procedure is not qualified to be jack freakin squat.
So, do you want a guy whose economic policies are going to make prices even higher (Obama) or a guy whose stupid war is going to make prices go even higher (McCain)?
Do you want a guy who has a stated policy of supporting the killing of newborns (Obama) or the guy who is anti-abortion but probably impotent on the issue (McCain)?
Do you want freedom to choose where you go to the doctor (McCain) or do you want “free” healthcare that means higher taxes and even crappier service than we already get (Obama)?
I may have to vote against both of them – McCain for the war and Obama for abortion.