The History of Fat

Disclaimer: This entry is not intended to be serious nor is it intended to insult anyone of abnormally large girth. I once wrote a similar article and had to remove it because of the vast amount of hate mail I received as a result. I am by no means “thin” by any standard definition, so don’t get your panties in a bundle. This entry is merely a sarcastic commentary about the way society has diverted attention from real reasons to completely manufactured and unprovable reasons. Per usual.

Morbid obesity, and by “morbid” I mean “must use a truck scale to weigh yourself,” is an ever increasing epidemic in the United States. During the middle ages, obesity was seen as a sign of wealth and virility. This was because most of the people in the world were poor and starving to death. If you could afford enough food to become obese, you were looked upon as a god.

During the 1800’s, we reached the “8 inch waist” era, during which women of completely normal size would squeeze their midsections into a very small tube known as a “corsette.” (From the latin: cors – to squeeze the tummy tightly, and ette – of a girl) During this period, women would also wear a butt-enlarging item called a “bustle.” (From the latin: Bust – large female, and le – butt) This combination of tiny waist and huge buttocks was considered the ultimate in femininity.

Then came the 1900’s, which started out in a very elegant, sleek style, and progressed to the 1950’s, where women like Marylin Monroe were considered the hotsy-totsiest women around… Marylin was not exactly scrawny by supermodel standards. And that was ok, because Marylin would frequently stand over blowing sewer grates which would lift her dress around her head. People forgot she wasn’t scrawny because they were busy looking up her dress.

Then came the 1980’s and 1990’s where glamour magazines decided that what is really sexy is when a woman looks like a skeleton covered in shrink wrap. This era was discouraging for most women, because it isn’t easy to look like a shrink wrapped skeleton.

Fortunately, after the shrink wrap era came the “who gives a crap” backlash to the shrink wrap era. During the “who gives a crap” era, people were allowed to be as big as they wanted to be, because it wasn’t their fault that society chose to hold up an unattainable standard. It was total weight anarchy.

And with anarchy came justifications… oh so very scientific ones. First, we were told that morbid obesity is purely a genetic condition. This came as a surprise to most people, who had always been taught that obesity was caused by food. However, who were we, the layperson, to argue with science. Fortunately for us, all sorts of things previously racked up to “behavior” were now found to be genetic. Granted, this new announcement couldn’t actually be backed up by any observable science… but it was enough to have a scientist say it was the case.

After the genetic argument was pretty much defunct, we needed a new justification. Ah, of course… it must be the product of our environment. I’m 1100 pounds because my mother keeps bringing me ice cream in bed. I can’t leave my room, so I might as well sleep all the time. This was closer to the truth, but due to it’s closeness to actual truth… we had to move on to something else.

It’s psychological. Of course! The ultimate unprovable “science.” I’m 1100 pounds because I have deep dark issues such as I wasn’t hugged enough and my mother had an affair with the milk man. If you’re morbidly obese, all you need to do is uncover a repressed memory, and it’s all good.

Well, the general population of non-morbidly obese didn’t buy the psychological argument, because EVERYONE in the universe had bad crap happen to them. It was time to blame: Illness. I have bad knees so therefore I can’t exercise. I have a headache, and food makes me feel better. I have to prepare in case I ever have a tapeworm. Etc.

Still, illness even in it’s legitimate forms can’t possibly account for the vast number of morbidly obese popping up around the country. It must be something else.

McDonalds. Yes. It must be McDonalds. No one was obese before we had McDonalds. Simple logic dictates they must be the cause. It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that I stuff my face nonstop 24 hours a day. It’s that damned double cheeseburger and fries I had for my afternoon snack.

Thank god it’s McDonalds and “carbs” that cause obesity and not calories.


  30 comments for “The History of Fat

  1. Wen
    June 8, 2005 at 10:28 am

    Super Size Me! Wait. No, don’t. McDonalds is gross. I had it yesterday in a fit of hypoglycemia and regretted it the rest of the day.

    I could lose weight if I stopped eating crap and exercised, but then I would have nothing to complain about. Plus I would lose my fabulous ass and rack. hmmmm. It’s really not such a hard choice after all.

  2. June 8, 2005 at 10:30 am

    Hi WEN! Nice to see you!

  3. Wen
    June 8, 2005 at 10:47 am

    Hi Incredipetey! Are you getting ready for your fabulous weekend? I think it’s funny that everyone is leaving town this weekend for sex…Me (Bahamas) Judd (Austraila) and You (Philly) Unless your Mom is reading this. Then it’s just me and Judd.

  4. June 8, 2005 at 10:51 am

    I’m going to Philly for the history and the culture. Hi Mom!

  5. June 8, 2005 at 10:59 am

    And I’m taking him on a very informative, historical tour. It’s the last thing Incredipeter needs to be a proper “patriot”. We’ll see the Betsy Ross house, Independence Hall, Old City, and the Liberty Bell. *cough*

  6. Wen
    June 8, 2005 at 11:05 am

    If my Mom was reading this I’d say I was going to the Bahamas to study dolphin behavior in the wild. To which she would reply : “Is that what you’re calling it now?”

    I agree that Incredipete has definitely been in need of proper “patriot” training. I hear that the *ahem* Liberty Bell is especially beautiful at night, with a special light on it and everything.

  7. June 8, 2005 at 11:05 am

    I have a cold…

  8. June 8, 2005 at 11:09 am

    My coughing will be due to the Cat of doom: Chasey.

  9. Bobby
    June 8, 2005 at 11:13 am

    McDonalds is the root of all evil in America. They make their new concoctions in laboratories. That scares me.

  10. June 8, 2005 at 11:14 am

    My kitchen is like a laboratory. A very non-sanitary laboratory.

  11. June 8, 2005 at 11:25 am

    I got fat because I was eating fast food at every meal. I stayed fat because I didn’t exercise. I got fatter because I had two pregnancies (both babies over 9 lbs) and I still don’t exercise.

    I’m just now getting to the point where my weight is becoming a health issue; you should hear me grunt doing Sun Salutation A (yoga)! I’d go to the gym but you have to be in shape for that…

  12. June 8, 2005 at 11:25 am

    Just Incredipete’s luck, he’s allergic to Jenna’s pussy…

  13. June 8, 2005 at 11:53 am

    I was skinny when I used to eat McDonalds three times a day. I stopped and now I’m fat. Go figure.

  14. June 8, 2005 at 12:31 pm

    I think we should kill the morbidly obese and donate their bodies to the third world countries for food. And, Incredipete’s Mum, the reason why Cole is in my bed at my house right now is because he fell asleep there while we were discussing current events … and not for any sexual purposes.

  15. Bobby
    June 8, 2005 at 12:42 pm

    No Incredipeter your metabolism slowed down and I’m sure the years of putting that crap into your body wasn’t good either. McDonalds does more than just make you gain weight. I’m proud to say that I haven’t had Micky D’s or Burger king more than 5 times since 1998. But I smoke like a chimney so I guess everyone picks their poison.

  16. Rik
    June 8, 2005 at 1:28 pm

    “I have to prepare in case I ever have a tapeworm.” LMAO, i gotta remember that one. I don’t run. I hate it. I try to regulate my weight by skipping meals. It works but i know it’s killing my metabolism and only going to make it harder to get back into shape . . . but hey, round’s a shape right?

  17. Rik
    June 8, 2005 at 1:29 pm

    Oh, yeah, Hi Incredipete’s mom? I’ll be staying home this weekend, having sex with just myself. *oops*

  18. June 8, 2005 at 1:35 pm

    You calling me fat? You bastard!

  19. June 8, 2005 at 2:53 pm

    I’m not fat, I’m metabolically challenged thankyouverymuch. Incredipetey I was in your neck of the woods last weekend, in Kansas City. And I’m pissed at you becasue it rained the entire time I was there. What kind of redneck state do you live in anyways? 😉

  20. Rik
    June 8, 2005 at 3:31 pm

    Isn’t God supposed to be capitalized?

  21. June 8, 2005 at 3:50 pm

    Joey, you should have come to my barbeque. The heavens opened and I had clear weather for exactly the length of the barbeque.

  22. June 8, 2005 at 6:06 pm

    Yes I should have Incredipete. I wouldn’t have even needed your address, the pink shirt would have given you away for sure. Don’t worry, I have the perfect secret to getting BBQ stains out of pink fabric. Just email me and I’ll give it to ya 😉

  23. June 8, 2005 at 8:45 pm

    i’d lose weight – but i’m scared i’d lose the giNORmous rack..

    and we know i’m all about the rack.

  24. June 9, 2005 at 8:52 am

    I’ll be needing those directions…

  25. June 9, 2005 at 11:27 am

    So will I. Thanks!

  26. June 9, 2005 at 3:25 pm

    I am about to eat a bowl of salad for my din-dins. So there. Admittedly, the salad bowl is the size of the Arecibo dish.

  27. June 9, 2005 at 7:00 pm

    This is an anchient chinese secret so don’t tell anybody but here is how you get BBQ sauce out of pink fabric……
    You look down and see that you splattered BBQ all over your sexy pink man shirt. What are you going to do? You look sexier than Paul Hamm in a room full of midgets. Still standing in front of the grill, remove pink man shirt. Then show it in the fire because MEN WHO WEAR PINK SHIRTS LOOK LIKE FEYGS!!!!!!!!

    Rember, this is a top secret recipe. I can reveal my source. I could tell you, then I’d have to kill you.

  28. June 9, 2005 at 7:01 pm

    Oops I mean *throw* instead of show

  29. HRT
    June 10, 2005 at 1:11 am

    Joey, that last comment had more errors and typoes than a 3rd grade spelling bee.

    You’re lucky that we’re nice like that and just let ’em slide.

    …this time.

Comments are closed.