The Abridged Autobiography

I decided that today I’m going to do a biographical entry for you. Not that you really want to know that much about Incredipete, but heck, it’s my diary, so get used to it. Let me start at the beginning:

So there I was, in the fallopian tube…

Just kidding. I’ll start with the basics. As you know I was born in Kansas City on May 16th, 1978 at… I’m not making this up… Research Medical Center, in Kansas City, Missouri. I never figured out what kind of “research” they were doing, but I’m pretty confident it had something to do with hair loss.

My first real memory was when I was about 2. I remember being rocked in my mom’s red rocking chair. That’s the whole memory. The next one I have after that is going to the “North Pole” in Colorado when I was 3.

But enough about phantom memories. When I was 5, I went to preschool at the Montessori. My teachers, Ms. Harbor, and Mrs. Erikson were very cool, and they let me sit with my girlfriend Jill. Jill would come over to my house sometimes and play in the sandbox with me. I never saw her again after that year. Sniff.

My sister Laura is 3 years older than me, and she would abuse me psychologically on a regular basis. For instance, she told me that anything with the United Artists logo was bad and I couldn’t watch it. Unfortunately for me, that included all cartoons. Yes, I was deprived.

When it was time for kindergarten, my mother thought homeschooling would be a viable option. She failed to account for two very important details: 1. I am a major pain in the butt. 2. She was about to be pregnant with my brother, David. She is RH Negative, which means she had lots of complications every time she had a baby. She was confined to bed for the last couple months, and had him 6 weeks early.

Shortly after that, we moved to our house on Knox Street, where I met my bestest friend in the world, Alice. She was a babe, a wordly, hoebag of a 6 year old. But I loved her anyway.

My dad had suddenly decided to start a church, and started pastoring when I was 6. The church was small, ranging from twenty to sixty people over the years. Anyway, about that time, my mother decided she couldn’t possible handle homeschooling me anymore.

Then they enrolled me in a private Christian school, “SMC.” SMC was a small Baptist school, with about 120 students from K-12th grade. (Do the math, that’s about 10 per grade.) Most of the classes were combined, 2 grades at a time.

My first grade experience was pretty good. I had a girlfriend, Carrie, and the teacher let us be reading partners. I was also in a gang of roughians, known as the “Fearsome Foursome.” I don’t honestly remember the fourth, but I know two of them, Eric and Ryan. (Ryan now works at the starbucks down the street from my parents.)

We terrorized the playground for 3 years. Those were the days. I spent 2nd and 3rd grade in love with Ashley. She was a babe, but I have no idea where she is now. How sad.

At this point, my parents made the inexplicable decision to move me to a different school, “KCC” where I was forced to make new friends. I met a cool guy named Gabe, and had a crush on Betsy. That year, my parents made another inexplicable decision, to have my “Incredibly adorable little sister.” So my mother was once again laid up for months, this time spending significant time in the hospital.

This meant that my older sister got to do much of the “raising” (beating and cooking) for the family. She was a mere 13 years old, so it was a stretch for her, but she pulled it off.

I remember one Wendnesday night while my mom was in the hospital, and they nearly lost her. That was a bit freaky. Not too much later, my sister Bethany was born. 12 weeks early. She was 3 pounds, and looked like a “dead blue squirrel” to quote my grandma. She was in the ICU for a long time, because 1987 was the dark ages for premies.

But she made it, and everything was back to normal. Except that at the end of 4th grade, my mom once again decided to try and homeschool me. She forgot rule number 1. I am a major pain in the butt.

She handled it for 6 weeks, and gave up. So they decided to put me back in SMC. That’s when I met my future wife, Melanie. Ok, not really. But I thought she was going to be.

Then came junior high. I don’t remember much, except for dreaming about Melanie, and watching her date other people. (But I’m not bitter) On more than one occassion she told me (without provocation) that I was her best friend. So I didn’t completely lose out.

My friend Gabe from 4th grade transferred to SMC for high school, so we hung out quite a bit, along with my friend Kent. We were the “nerds” of the school, and we were ok with it. Kent and I took Physics as an elective, if that tells you anything.

Three years in a row, Kent and I submitted our science research to the University of Kansas Symposium. Kent’s senior year (my junior) Kent placed in the top 10, and I was the alternate (number 11, in case someone in the top 10 died of stage fright). Kent presented to a group of scholars at KU, and I got to try out the harmonics of the crystal glasses on the tables.

I was also involved heavily in art while in high school. I learned drawing, painting, sculpture, calligraphy, reposse’, and batik, to name a few. It turned out my best talent was calligraphy. I went to the midwestern regionals 3 times. I placed 2nd as a Sophomore, and decided that wasn’t good enough. My junior year I took 1st place and “Best of Show” and went to the National competition in South Carolina, where I placed second. Once again, I decided that wasn’t good enough. My senior year, I took 1st at regional and “Best of Show” then went to Nationals and took 1st.

Finally I graduated (salutatorian, and let me point out that the valedictorian never went on to college and now has a crappy job) and the next day I began my first job. I still work there to this day, although I have been promoted 3 times since then.

Since I did well in art in high school, I figured I should study it in college. I started at the community college, in Graphic Design. It took 3 semesters before a teacher took me aside and told me I was a talentless hack, and needed to quit.

So I did, and spent the next year focusing on Photography (no pun intended). I had an awesome teacher, Stu, and he taught me tons. He had actually been taught by none other than Mr. Ansel Adams himself. I had already taken some photography classes during my first 3 semesters, and in fact, that was how I met Ms. Right.

Yes, you all know the story of Ms. Right. I won’t even go into it here.

I finally finished my 2 year degree in 2000, and thought I was done with school forever. But I was wrong. Another promotion later, I decided to get a business degree. So I enrolled at UMKC, and began the icky process. I finally finished in May of 2004. Of course, you also know that in April of 2004, I bought my first house, and that brings us to today.

So there you have it, my life in a nutshell. (also no pun intended)

  52 comments for “The Abridged Autobiography

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I just read your entry, thea with a little “t.” I loved the story about running over the guy repeatedly with your car…

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Incredipete i updated for you. meanmommy has spoken. out.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Lynne is awesome!

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Wow, you guys are still nutty. I’d like to thank “Lynne” for allowing me to share in the wonder that is her art… I shall laugh coffee through my nose for only you.

  5. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf see this scares me – cause i sing the “what a friend we have in “whatever”” song – all the time…

  6. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Awww see what a good Diaryland g’friend you have in MAF!

  7. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf Incredipete – i got your back buddy!

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Teets Just imagine how outraged God must be when he sees gay people actually eating shrimp! It’s just too abominable to contemplate. Alert Fred, for sin is running rampant at Red Lobster!!

  9. YMM
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: YMM Just for the record, Incredipete, I hadn’t noticed you being a pain. 🙂

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Sorry Incredipete. I just couldn’t help myself.

  11. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf why did i go look at that site …. makes me sick to my soul.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Kamasue Incredipete, you are a hot bald guy. Thanks Research! And PHUCK PHRED! I hate that guy!

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Enough with the Incredi-ass, thanks. Although 33% of my readers think I’m a total ass. Thanks for coming in Jeanne, and make sure you join the rings and check out my ringmates.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Mr. Incredipete? WTF? No need to be so formal around here Jeanne. Incredi-Ass will work fine. Nice to meet ya!

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jeanne Hi, I’m a long-time reader, but I’m new to commenting, and I wanted to say hi. Sounds like quite a life you’ve lived so far, Mr. Incredipete. I started a new diary, and I hope you have a minute to check it out.

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: your incredibly adorable little sister thanks for bringing up what i looked like as a baby, Incredipeter. Harsh, oh so harsh. The rest was interesting, although, unfortunately, i knew it all already. And I’ve learned to ignore things/people that make me angry (ie Phelps) because their opinion means little, and isn’t respected by any thinking person, Christian or not.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Dang, does that mean no strawberry jello?

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Have I mentioned how much I have missed you around here lately, “Lynne?”

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Poor Incredipete!

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” You wish, Incredipete! It was a “Seinfeld” reference, hon.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Do I need to get out the strawberry jello again?

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete “Lynne,” you mean so long as Jackie is “smoking hot” there’s nothing wrong with that.. 😉

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” Jackie – Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  24. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I was thinking about evil yesterday, and I think that evil is just the extreme manifestation of greed and selfishness. After reading some of the exponse’ on “pastor” Phelps it is clear that this is a man who is so supremely self centered that his actions have become the epitome of evil. I believe he sincerely believes he is doing God’s work, BUT because he knows nothing of submission and caring for anyone other than himself and his own wacked out self-righteous agenda, he is being used as a tool for the Evil One.

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Incredipete, thank “Lynne” for making post a second comment on this here thing today. I shall print that little picture and refer to it every time I need a good laugh. I hollered out loud when I saw it!

  26. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Lynne–I love you! –in a strictly non-gay way.

  27. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” The last time I saw Fred he was protesting outside a Baptist church. (Those damn gay Baptists, they are EVERYWHERE in Kansas, EVERYWHERE, I tell you!) They were carrying these signs. Usually I get so mad when I see him but these signs killed me. I think I laughed for 10 minutes. Here is a picture I drew:

  28. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Okay, I read a little of that website, and I’m so mad I can’t even begin to explain it! How can people be like that? I mean, talk about, preach about God, and then treat others that way? Kind of breaks the “golden rule” rule. Someone should kick his sorry butt! And I’ll be happy to volenteer.

  29. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl HRT, what did you play in band? I was in drill team for the first two years while playing clarinet in concert band. Then I marched clarinet because Tina Watson the Bitch was elected co-Lt. of drill and we hated each other’s guts.

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Well, I think if God were going to make an exception, he’d do it for Fred.

  31. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental I joined the ring and am in agreement…OBVIOUSLY. I mean, you’d have to be a complete angry motard to get behind what Fred says. However, i’d like to point out that God hates NO ONE. Not even Fred i’m afraid. Ineffible you know.

  32. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Alright. I found another article. Chapter 2 is particularly enlightening. Here it is. I’m going to start an “I hate Fred Phelps” ring, BTW. I hope you all join.

  33. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete There is a website that makes fun of Fred’s obsession with one topic. It’s called God Hates Shrimp. It’s hilarious and you should all check it out. There is also a website that gives some interesting background here. There is also a website called God Hates Fred Phelps. Hope these links help you out.

  34. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Let me just say I am jealous of your older sister. What I wouldn’t give to abuse you….

  35. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker I just can’t imagine, how could you even begin to hurt a parent that way..

  36. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Sorry Walker, but I wish he were kidding. But that Fred dude is seriously mentally deranged. I don’t even like to recognize his website. He is so wrong in so many ways it isn’t even remotely humorous. I wish somebody would picket my kid’s funeral. No jury in america would convict me.

  37. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf and it PISSES me off that he uses the Word of God to throw his hatred …

  38. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker OMG!! Are you kidding me?

  39. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Fred Phelps is a “Minister” of a church that has dedicated his life to gay bashing and hatred. His website is godhatesfags.com. He will burn in hell someday, but until then, make sure you forward all of your gay porn to his web address. He and his cult followers went to Matthew Shepherds funeral and yelled that “Now he’s in hell where he deserves to be.” Very Christian. He’s a Nazi.

  40. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf so now you know i’m singing that barenaked ladies song “life, in a nutshell” right? ” she’s like a baby, i’m like a cat – when we are happy we both get fat” I must be REALLY frekin’ happy! 🙂

  41. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker Oooh calves…..

  42. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Oh and warcrygirl I too was a “band-wally”

  43. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Hey now I haven’t worked for Appleby’s for almost 2 years now! But I do have a great butt, only slightly outdone by my excellent calves (all semi-physically-fit fat guys have rockin calves) and my genetically superior shoulders. If I wasn’t so humble I’d go into it in further detail…

  44. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker No, he wasn’t…. But he did have a really cute butt!

  45. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete LOL. But was he black? No…

  46. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker The bald thing deffienately works for you… and your brother at Applebee’s….

  47. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Yup, there are competitions for calligraphy. Someday when I’m feeling my cheerios, I’ll take digital pics of the three competition pieces. The church was a Christian Bible church, non-denominational. Somewhere between Baptist and Charismatic.

  48. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Stacey Two things: A.) Thank you for visiting my blog today and for your comments about Fred Phelps, the Optimum Nutjob. Second, you were born to be a hot bald guy. I saw both the with-hair and without-hair pictures, and bald wins, hands down. Very nice. (Just a compliment, not trying to move on MAF’s cyberdude!!!)

  49. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl I didn’t know they had competitions for calligraphy. I was a ‘band fairy’ in high school.

  50. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Yes, Jackie. And thanks for being so delicate in your choice of words.

  51. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Hmmm…mildy interesting. No, I’m kidding–sounds like you were pretty well-rounded. I think you made a great choice in photography–your pictures were great. So was Ms. Right the first time you got laid?

  52. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Walker – Texas Ranger Does your mom know you’re still an incredi-pain in the butt? Because you are. 😉

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