So, last night, I got home exhausted from a long workout, and my neighbors came running up to my car. Not usually good since they hate me. At least, they hardly ever talk to me. Needless to say, I was only confused for a minute, before I noticed the gaping hole in the front of my brand new house. The “neighborhood watch captain” told me she kept hearing this knocking sound, and finally figured out that a woodpecker was trying to get into my attic. Well, the little bugger succeeded, and I was none too pleased. Take a look, and you’ll understand…
So, I started trying to decide how to cover the hole. I looked around our garages, and collected all of the semi-solid, sticky stuff we could find. But what if the woodpecker came back after we patched the hole? So I went inside and got a bottle of tabasco… which we mixed with the spackle. I don’t know if that will work, but it sure made me laugh when I was doing it. So I stuck a board inside the hole, and started applying tabasco-spackleÂ® (Patent Pending). Once we had built up enough spackle, I coated it with waterproof caulk (bathtub sealer) so the rain wouldn’t erode the drywall plaster. I don’t think that plaster is intended for outdoor use.
After we finally finished with the “repairs” I went into the garage and found the house paint. I covered it up with a thick slathering of paint, and it looks as good as new. I have to say, home ownership gives a whole new meaning to “resourcefulness.”
So, I needed a backup plan in case the tabasco-spackle doesn’t work. Fortunately, I have a “Spider GunÂ® ” (Patent Pending) which is a compressed air BB gun I used when I lived with my parents. Whenever I would spot a poisonous spider across the room, instead of getting out of bed and finding a shoe, I would shoot the spider with the gun. I know, you say… it’s not possible to hit a spider with a BB gun from 20 feet away. BAH! I’m not saying I could do it right from the start, and I’m not saying that sometimes it didn’t take a couple of shots, but I always got him. (Mom, when you take down the posters, you’ll find the holes… sorry) If Woody comes back to make a new hole in my house, I’m gonna shoot him in the tailfeathers.
Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. Especially my life.