Well, for the first time in 16 years, I didn’t watch the State of the Union. Maybe it was because I’m already overdosing on Obama media appearances. Maybe it was because it appears we’ve managed to get back to gridlock in Washington, my preferred governmental status. Maybe it was because I already knew what he was going to say. I’m sure many of you will say “Incredipete, you couldn’t possibly know what he was going to say.” To that, I say “Ha!” I’ve been paying attention to the things Obama has been saying for a couple of years now, and there’s one thing I’m sure of… he listens to his PR guys and he stays on message.
For that reason, I’m going to demonstrate my deductive prowess by listing off what Obama said last night, with no actual knowledge of what he said. Let me know if I miss anything or I mention something he didn’t actually say:
1. At least 5 references to how the economy already sucked when he was elected
2. At least one dig at the Republicans for blocking his Obamacare plan, cleverly disguised as a call for bipartisanship
3. He will HAVE TO talk about why Americans don’t trust the government, and he will claim it’s because Americans voted for change and they aren’t delivering (he won’t mention the fact that most Americans think his specific plans are insane)
4. He will talk about returning to the awesome budget surplus that always gets credited to Bill Clinton (in spite of the fact Republicans were running Congress when that was happening). He will do this while maintaining his position that the government is going to a) keep the country safe, b) give insurance to millions of miscreants, c) keep social security and medicare going, and d) only taxing the bejeezus out of people making over 250k. He will cleverly fail to mention that most small businesses make over 250k and fall into that category which will undoubtedly result in more layoffs
5. He will make nicey nice comments about Michelle Obama that will make people realize that he’s just a cool, regular guy
6. He will make multiple calls for getting rid of partisanship, and will NOT mention the fact that Republicans were completely shut out of the drafting of Obamacare by Pelosi and Reed
7. He will talk about how his administration is transparent and ethical, and will use as evidence the fact that he publishes White House visitors on the website, keeps lobbyists out of policy jobs… not mentioning that basically his entire staff was part of the lawyers’ lobby
8. He will definitely talk about the evil earmarks, which will be pointless since Democrats are responsible for most of them in the first place. He will mention it because he knows he has no influence over it, but it makes him look like a man of the people to say it
9. He will say that the loss in Massachusetts is because people “don’t understand” the health care bill, because it’s easier for him to believe that Americans are stupid than for him to believe that the bill is a steaming pile of crap.
Let me know what I missed or got wrong.