So, tonight is the last night of my “Leading Teams” class. I was actually pleasantly surprised with how much I got out of the class. I was expecting a “touchy-feely” class, but I really learned a lot. I also met some great people. I ended up in the best group…bar none. I also got to know some great people from other groups. All in all, it’s been a positive experience. Not the case of my Project Management class, which has been wrought with boredom.
However, I’m also glad the summer will be starting for me on Thursday. It sucks that UMKC starts so early every semester, but it’s nice when I get out and everyone else still has multiple weeks to go…
So I’ve come to the realization that I’m a sociopath.
It’s not something I came to overnight. It’s taken many years of history to say it conclusively.
When it comes to throwing myself into relationships with both feet, I’m more than happy to do it. I’ll give till it hurts. I’ll be 100% devoted.
And I can turn it off like a light switch.
I can go from hot to cold in a millisecond. It’s surprised a fair number of people over the years. I don’t think it’s because I’m not genuine. I think in order to hate deeply, you first had to love deeply.
Once the switch is off, it’s off. I can’t turn it back on. Once I close out my emotions towards something or someone, I am incapable of feeling anything further, good or bad.
Almost everyone is capable of detaching themselves emotionally to some extent, but I take it to a cold, scary extreme. I learned a long time ago that sitting and obsessing about what you could have done differently will lead to nothing but ulcers. When the horse is dead, get off.
However, I’m also capable of putting up with a lot more crap than most people ever would. That may be part of my problem, because some people will take advantage of my generosity and long suffering personality. By the time I’ve reached the point of giving up, as the Duke said so wisely, “that account is long overdrawn.”
There is one relationship in my past that I still obsess about, wondering if things could have been different. But in that case, I never hated her. I never just got “fed up” with her. Circumstances caused our paths to part, not necessarily our relationship at its core.
So I can’t say I’m a stone-cold killer, like Wombat, but I definitely go from intense to ice cold in a split second. I’ve had people tell me that I “put up a nice front.” That’s what scares me a little about myself… it’s not a front. I really feel absolutely nothing.
So, maybe I’m a sociopath, maybe I just have some common sense. It’s hard to say for sure.