Today I had the pleasure of interviewing a strange little man. I call him that because he was, well… strange, and little. He was on the smallish side, and decided to compensate by having a personality as defective as it was large.
This brings up an interesting topic.
Why is it that short guys try to act so macho? Short women don’t act macho. Normal sized people don’t generally try to act macho. If you’re tall, you can act wussy and no one thinks any less of you…
So I did a little poll. The sample wasn’t very big (I asked a short friend of mine), so I can’t speak to the statistical accuracy of the following information. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that my sample is big enough to infer the findings to the population at large. The following is a transcript of my poll with my short friend, hereafter called “Les.”
Incredipete: So, Les, what’s it like living your life with everyone looking down on you… literally?
Les: Listen jerkwad, I’ll kick your ass, you big wussy.
Incredipete: So what you’re saying is that society places a premium on size, as evidenced by the fact that the average president of the US is 6’9″?
Les: I’ll kick the president’s wussy butt, too!
Incredipete: Why do you feel compelled to talk with so much machismo?
Les: Listen bub, don’t you use your fancy college words on me. I’m three times as smart, and 9 times tougher than you!
Incredipete: Would you say that it makes you bitter when everyone talks to me but doesn’t notice that you’re there?
Les: Everybody likes me! I’m 500 times more popular than you are, you stupid sob!
Incredipete: How do you explain your unnatural desire to pump iron 5 hours a day? Isn’t it moot since I can still beat you up and I don’t ever exercise?
Les: What the…! I could kick your butt with both my arms and both my legs tied behind my back.
Incredipete: When a woman takes one look at you and starts laughing, how does that make you feel?
Les: I have more women than you’ll ever have, Incredipete. Women know I’ve got it going on, punk.
Incredipete: How do you explain the fact that I’ve had more dates in the past year than you have?
Les: Man, I have at least 3 dates every day. You must be some kind of a moron. I’m going to take you outside and whoop your sissy ass.
Incredipete: Well, thanks Les. You’ve done a fantastic job of reinforcing every stereotype I had of short men.
Les: SHORT! What are you talking about. I’m at least 10 inches taller than you! What are…. (click)
Thank god that phone call ended.