Resume’ of an Idiot

I have spent a large unfortunate chunk of my adult life reading resume’s, and over the course of time, I’ve collected several very funny SNAFUs.

Guess what. If you have a SNAFU on your resume’, you aren’t going to get hired. 99% of the time I stop reading as soon as I see a problem…. spelling, grammar, punctuation or just plain stupid mistakes.

For instance, a recent resume’ I read listed their salary requirement as $3,500 per year. Now, I’m sure $3,500 per year might be enough to live on, if you happened to live in Bulgaria, Iraq, or West Virginia… but it’s certainly not enough to live anywhere else.

She might have been a freaking genius who happened to slip while she typed because she was distracted by thoughts of her doctoral dissertation the next day… it matters not. I stopped reading as soon as I saw the number. I considered setting up an interview and offering her the job, at $3,500 per year. But I quickly decided it wasn’t funny to play a practical joke on a complete stranger.

Another favorite was someone who had a heading labeled in beautiful bold print: “Currant Experience.” I expected to see Smuckers listed as the previous employer. But alas, she actually had NO experience with currants that I could derive from her resume’.

Possibly the most ironic typo ever found on a resume’ was one that read: “I am highly detail oriented and meticulous. I am an excellent speler and have good grammar also.” I kid you not. And the irony was compounded by the very next sentence: “Language – English: Fluent – Full Knowledge.” I laughed my butt off for 10 minutes. Then I stuck her resume’ into my file (to maintain full compliance with the law) labeled “dumbass.”

The dumbass file is bursting at the seams. (or should I say “seems”) It never ceases to amaze me the way people are sloppy with their resume’.

And here’s another thing… Don’t make your resume’ more than 3 pages unless you’re an academic (ie “professor”). No one cares jack freaking squat about the 19 restaurants you waited at while you were going through college. No one cares to hear the details of your waiting jobs…. “Showed guests to table. Gave guests silverware.”

Not impressed. Just keep it simple, short, and to-the-point. No typos. If you’re a dumbass, then have someone proofread the stupid thing. If your friends are all dumbasses, too… send it to incrediIncredipete@comcast.net. I’d be happy to save some poor hiring manager from having to read your crap.

Thanks for caring.

Incredipete

  18 comments for “Resume’ of an Idiot

  1. Rik
    June 1, 2005 at 6:08 pm

    Hey Incredipete, Can you send me her resume? I have i job for her that i’ll pay $3,500 a year for 😉

  2. June 1, 2005 at 6:17 pm

    I have NEVER got a job through an application or a resume. I am people who know people. Does that make me bad?

  3. June 1, 2005 at 6:24 pm

    I am pretty anal (haha…anal) about spelling and grammar as well. I had a guy answer my personal ad once, who was GORGEOUS, and successful (well, he said he was, anyway), but his email to me said, “You’re personality and cents of humor sound truely wonderful.” That was enough for me. If he doesn’t even know the difference between “your” and “you’re” (not to mention his other mistakes), I’m out.

    Wow… I wonder why I am single?

  4. June 1, 2005 at 6:32 pm

    But Jenna, are you ‘truely’ single? 😉 I was always told to keep your resume at 1 page (front and back) and keep your experience at the past 10 years.

    Dear god, I’ve been a SAHM for almost 7 years; I wonder what my resume will say?

  5. June 1, 2005 at 10:35 pm

    My spelling and grammer suck. I usually get hired though cause of my sparkling personality…… and I figure anyone who is so anal about that stuff ain’t someone I need to be working for anyhow. Having said that Incredipete, I’d work for you anyday…….just so long as you don’t correct my grammer or, you know, tell me what to do and stuff……. hard to believe I worked for a television station creating on-air graphics for two years huh?

  6. odaresilv
    June 2, 2005 at 12:51 am

    What was that about typos?
    “Now, I’m sure $3,500 per year might be enough to live in, if you happened to live in Bulgaria, Iraq, or West Virginia”

    Is that supposed to be enough to live on or in? 🙂 Sorry, just had to give you shit!

  7. June 2, 2005 at 6:40 am

    Clearly my diary is not a resume’.

  8. June 2, 2005 at 9:11 am

    Oooooh! I linked your site through MentalImages’ designer tag…

  9. June 2, 2005 at 9:18 am

    oooh baby! It’s nice, isn’t it. Did you see what it says when you hover over the design tag?

  10. June 2, 2005 at 10:23 am

    Not in the spirit of outdoing you, darling; but in the spirit of commiseration:
    My personal favorite on the resumes that pass over my desk:

    “English- Mother Tongue.”

  11. June 2, 2005 at 10:56 am

    Huh huh-huh, she said ‘tongue’…

    Reminds me of my fave bumper sticker…

  12. June 2, 2005 at 11:04 am

    ….What is it?? Tell me tell me!!

  13. Wendy
    June 2, 2005 at 11:42 am

    Incredipetester! How’s it going? Just a sec to say hi, so hi.

  14. June 2, 2005 at 11:58 am

    Here’s a special little tip for you: hold down your Alt key and type 130 on the NUM pad. Now replace both of the “e’s” in “résumé” with the resulting symbol. Am I hired?

  15. June 2, 2005 at 12:09 pm

    It was too long to put into his comments so you’ll just have to visit my blog to see it.

    It’s sweeeeeeet! Promise!

  16. June 2, 2005 at 12:21 pm

    Wendy! Dear lordy?! Are you still out there? Where have you been? Hopefully much hot lovin’ with the neighbor…

  17. June 2, 2005 at 2:35 pm

    Wait a sec. Are you and Jenna an item or something? Where have i been?

    Thanks again for your totally designing my site. I suggest everyone leave this one and run right over there and check out mine. Just a suggestion.

  18. June 2, 2005 at 3:00 pm

    *snicker* I knoW!! Isn’t it strange? I’ve already lost my edge…

Comments are closed.