Most of my life, people would have described me as, at best, cynical, and at worst, pessimistic, bitter, or angry. There were a lot of reasons for that; bad relationships, unfortunate choices that led to isolation, etc. Those things are neither here nor there, because 90% of them were my own bad choices.
Enter Nicole and Amber. My entire world was turned on its head, in a good way. I have been disgustingly happy to the point of annoying people ever since. But as I’ve become content in my new situation, I’ve found myself slipping. Not back into cynicism or bitterness, but into my old, sarcastic, snarky self.
Now, I’m old enough and self aware enough to know that I developed my sarcasm and snarkiness as a defense mechanism, probably at a very young age. I don’t need to defend myself anymore. No one’s out to get me. Nicole and Amber are in my life to stay. They aren’t going to screw me over or let me down. So that pattern of sarcasm and snarkiness is like a vestigial organ, it once served a purpose but that reason has been eliminated.
Nicole doesn’t like it when I’m snarky. She can’t tell if I’m being funny or if I’m being passive-aggressive, and frankly sometimes I can’t even tell which I’m doing. Amber gets her feelings hurt when I’m snarky. No bueno. So the end result is it turns into a vicious cycle. I get snarky, that makes them either mad or hurt, they react, I get defensive which makes me more snarky.
Being self aware doesn’t mean we necessarily have the tools to fix the problem. But in this case, a concerted effort to turn off the old default of sarcasm and truculence should go a long way. It’s no longer needed, and it’s totally controllable. But only I can change it.
And I will. It’s more than worth it. I love my girls WAY too much to let the warm coziness of my truculence mess things up.
I will start every interaction with positivity. That’s my pledge.