Non-Liberal Personal Update

So, the weekend was not expected to be anything worth writing about.

My cousin Matt was getting married (to a girl named Jenna I might add), and the wedding was in Iowa. Iowa is not the most exciting place on earth, but it was a family gathering, so Jenna and I made the drive Saturday morning.

We got there just in the nick of time, the service was beautiful, and Matt is now officially married. The reception was a couple hours later. It was a big reception, and far too many people there to actually talk to the bride and groom. The Lucas family sat at the very back and entertained ourselves since there were 15 of us and about 250 of the bride’s family.

I promptly got very ill, and I toughed it out for a couple of hours before I finally couldn’t take it anymore. Jenna and I headed back to the hotel to watch TV and be ill. Jenna promptly fell asleep, so I was entertaining myself with Maximum Exposure (a great show for guys) when I heard knocking on the door. I jumped up thinking it was my brother, and when I opened the door…

…there was a VERY drunk blonde in a DANGEROUSLY low-cut party dress. She was leaning against the doorframe doing the drunk wobbly leg dance. I asked her if she was lost, and she said (and I quote) “Hhh Hi baby. I dosnt think… ish thiz my room?”

I told her she was in the wrong place, and then asked if I could help her find her room. To this, she replied “thanksh baby… yerz sweet.” At this point I expected I would walk her down to the front desk and see if they knew where she went. However, she had different plans, and she promptly let go of the door frame, tumbled towards me, and threw her arms around me.

I of course tried to catch her so she wouldn’t crack her skull, but then without saying anything, she grabbed my face and stuck her tongue in my mouth.

Ah. A very interesting predicament I’m in at this point. Jenna is sleeping 10 feet away, and I don’t really want her to see this girl smooching me… I don’t particularly like kissing people, even if I DO know them… and this girl clearly has bigger expectations of me that I’m able to provide.

So, there I am, flattered, disgusted, and straining to hold up the girl without making it too easy for her to kiss me.

I helped prop her up against the doorframe again, and she said “okkkay, I’ll sheee you later baby.” Then she staggered down the hallway. I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I allowed as how I had done all I could.

Jenna was only marginally awake for the incident, but once I told her what happened she was WIDE awake.

Things like that never happened to me when I was single. Isn’t life interesting.


  9 comments for “Non-Liberal Personal Update

  1. July 3, 2006 at 11:51 am

    That girl was lucky she found nice guy Incredipete instead of someone who would victimize her. That’s why it is not smart for women to get that drunk.

  2. July 3, 2006 at 3:54 pm

    hmmm… likely story…. hehe

  3. Aunt Tami
    July 3, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Menage a trois one was asleep and one was drunk. You had it made !. You should of kick the angel off your shoulder and listened to the devil on the other shoulder. You know he was talking very loudly to you!! Ha-Ha!! It was great seeing both of you this week-end!

  4. July 3, 2006 at 5:28 pm

    Awwww… Ain’t nothing wrong with a little tongue-action!

  5. July 3, 2006 at 7:29 pm

    Sweet JESUS it is a good thing Jenna isn’t like Bouby, She would have a new blonde scalp to add to her war belt.

  6. Aunt Tami
    July 4, 2006 at 12:58 am

    Grandma was very upset Iowa did revolve around the Lucas family by putting us back in the corner. You left to early. We showed them the party would have been nothing without us. I butted and pushed our way up to the front, and put Grandma in the front of the dollar dance line, and gave her a front row seat on the dance floor. Iowa did not keep us in the corner long. Iowa will never be the same after they seen the new Lucas family member Newman dancing like Carlton from Fresh Prince. You missed the good stuff.

  7. July 4, 2006 at 10:15 am

    You always were a stud muffin.

  8. July 5, 2006 at 1:45 pm

    Sheesh… I SAID I was sorry already!!!! … and Jenna still owes me $20 for that little practical joke!

  9. Rik
    July 5, 2006 at 3:44 pm

    It’s like a scent that unavailable guys give off. Gay guys have it too.
    I wish i smelled gay.
    And anyone that quotes me later . . . i’ll deny everything and get Gary Condit to pay you a visit.

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