We interrupt this broadcast for a fictitious news bulletin:
Incredipeter Jennings: Well folks, the Condaleeza inquisition has begun, and already she’s showing signs of cracking. Let’s join the live feed of the hearings…
Barbara Boxer: I don’t want to ask you anything. I just want to be nasty, because well… that’s the best I can come up with. Condy, we all know that you are a stinking liar. You slept with George Bush senior to get this position and now…
Condaleeza Rice: Senator, I hope you’re not implying that I’m unqualified for this job, damn you.
Barbara Boxer: I’m not implying anything. I’m SAYING that you are a stinking liar, a whore, and not only that, you can’t deny that you are black.
Condaleeza Rice: WHAT THE HELL? Did you just say what I think you said?
Barbara Boxer: What, that you are a liar?
Condaleeza Rice: No… that’s not it.
Barbara Boxer: Umm… whore?
Condaleeza Rice: No, that’s not it either.
Barbara Boxer: … you’re black?
Condaleeza Rice: YEAH, THAT’S IT! How dare you imply that I’m a hack, you liberal, repulsive freak!
Barbara Boxer: So, you’re denying that you’re black?
Condaleeza Rice: Of course I am… that’s preposterous. How dare you…. oh wait… did you say “Black?”
Barbara Boxer: Uh… yup.
Condaleeza Rice: OH. My bad. I thought you said “Hack.” Wait a minute… So you have a problem with me being black?
Barbara Boxer: No, not at all. I’m speaking for the American people.
Condaleeza Rice: You racist, liberal, ugly, no good honky beeotch! I’m gonna kick your….
Incredipeter Jennings: Whoa! Looks like we’re going to have to cut that off before the FCC… Oh wait. This just in from the FCC. “The FCC has decided to fine ABC 1.75 trillion dollars for the following words: honky, beeotch, ugly, hack, whore, and stinking. An additional fine of 64.3 billion dollars because of Incredipeter Jenning’s…” he he he, that’s me!!! “… condescending and repulsive delivery, and bad hair….” HEY! “…we aren’t sure that Jennings actually works for ABC, but we’re too lazy to actually look it up.”
Incredipeter Jennings: Now, let’s take it out to Minnesota where Randy Moss is with our very own Bonnie Bernstein, and of course is on a 30 second delay.
Bonnie Bernstein: Randy, after your most recent NFL fine, you said that the NFL commissioner could suck your *BEEP*. Do you have anything to add after your pathetic performance which led to the ultimate whooping you were dealt last week?
Randy Moss: Yo, I ain’t gots nothin’ to say to you *BEEP* *BEEP* honky cracker fools. I coulda had mo’ touchdowns if I wanted to, *BEEP*. I didn’t bother because if I can’t show my *BEEP* on tv, then I ain’t gonna play hard.
Bonnie Bernstein: So you’re saying you didn’t give 100%?
Randy Moss: What the *BEEP* is wrong with you, you *BEEP* stupid *BEEP*? Didn’t you hear what I jus’ said? *BEEP*
Bonnie Bernstein: People have commented that you got what you deserved with your loss.
Randy Moss: Well, them people can shut the *BEEP* up, cuz they don’t know *BEEP* nothing about Randy Moss. Randy Moss is the greatest *BEEP* football player that ever *BEEP* played the game.
Bonnie Bernstein: What about Joe Montana, Bo Jackson, Dan Marino, Terry Bradshaw, Deion Sanders, John Elway, Dante Culpepper, Brett Favre, Refr….
Randy Moss: Shut up, *BEEP*. I mean the best *BEEP* receiver EVer.
Bonnie Bernstein: Well, what about Joe Horn, Torry Holt, Muhsin Muhammad, Laveranues Coles, Isaac Bruce, Javon Walker, Darrell Jackson, Jason Witten, Donald Driver, Eric Johnson, Michael Clayton, Terrell Owens, Brian Westbrook, Jermaine Wiggins, Keyshawn Johnson, Tony Gonzalez, Derrick Mason, Chad Johnson, Eric Moulds, Marvin Harrison, Antonio Gates, Drew Bennett, Hines Ward, Andre Johnson, Rod Smith, Reggie Wayne, Jimmy Smith, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Randy McMichael, and Chris Chambers, all of which have more receptions than you this season?
Randy Moss: *BEEP* Bonnie, they ain’t no good. They a bunch of fools. I could whoop every one of them right now. I’m the best that ever was. *BEEP*
Bonnie Bernstein: Would you care to elaborate on that statement?
Randy Moss: I don’t preciate you usin’ them college words. What the *BEEP* is this “elaborate” *BEEP*?
Bonnie Bernstein: Never mind, I’ll…
Randy Moss: Hey Bonnie, you gots you a nice round *BEEP*… maybe you could come over to my mansion and I can teach you how Randy Moss likes to *BEEP* the *BEEP*
Bonnie Bernstein: Back to you, Incredipeter.
Incredipeter Jennings: Thanks Bonnie. That was a truly illuminating interview, and a brilliant contribution to the study of ebonics.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Sorry about that, folks. I don’t know where it came from. I hate Randy Moss. I hate nearly everyone in elected office. I hate every member of the press. That is all.