My New Immigration Reform Plan

Following up on my post from yesterday, I’d like to present my new and improved plan for immigration reform.

To get you caught up let me remind you of what the two major political party’s suggestions are. The Democrats suggest letting anyone sneak in, pay for their medical bills, don’t make them pay taxes, but give them driver’s licenses and allow them to vote. They basically use illegal immigration as a voter registration drive. And good for them. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the party that brought us welfare, cap and trade, and Al Gore.

The Republicans have their own demented plan. Their plan is to have a good old fashioned roundup where we gather the 20 million illegals and ferry them back to Mexico (and Canada, of course). Republicans don’t want no stinking foreigners sneaking in here and blowing up buildings. The Republicans SAY they want to ferry them back, but then that would be bad for the farming business, so they turn the other way while it happens.

Why is it that all these Mexicans and Canadians want to sneak into our country? Ostensibly, it’s for jobs. But how can we be sure? What if they’re sneaking in to live off the fat of the land? What if they just need surgery and plan to go to the first ER they encounter? Our tax dollars pay for that. What if they intend to work for cash and never pay taxes, then send the money back to Mexico? That’s a giant drain on our economy.

The solution is so simple, it’s perfect.

You can come to America no matter how much of a smelly loser you are. You don’t need to have any special skills, no background check, no nothing. We’ll even build a bridge over the Rio Grande. Come on in.

But there’s a catch in my plan. Everyone who crosses through this “freebie” method must serve 10 years in a work camp and take English classes at night. Not like prison… more like slavery. You work, and you don’t get paid. We provide barracks for you and 3 meals a day. You provide the grunt labor we need to improve our infrastructure. If you get hurt on the job, we fix you up. If you get sick on your own, we ship you back to Mexico. That keeps medical expenses to a minimum.

But I am a benevolent guy. Once you’ve served your 10 years, you are granted full citizenship with all the associated rights and privileges. By the time you become a citizen, you are fluent in English, you’ve contributed to society, and you are deserving of the citizenship EVEN THOUGH you didn’t jump through the normal hoops of the process (i.e. being an expert in your chosen field).

Many people who immigrate through our existing system spend YEARS trying to get in. In the meantime, they have to live in a crap country (like England, Canada, and France). With my plan, they can hop the next plane and be on their path to citizenship. They don’t even have to worry about food and shelter. It’s also a sure thing. With the normal process, you might go through years of trouble only to be denied. Not so with my magnanimous plan.

I’d also suggest that these work camps be run by private companies. The government sucks at managing things. We’d obviously have to come up with some general guidelines as well as some compensation from the company back to the taxpayers (for the benefit of virtually free labor).

While I’m thinking about it, “work camps” may have negative connotations. Perhaps we should call them “Citizenship Resorts” instead. That will keep the liberal sissies off our backs.

  4 comments for “My New Immigration Reform Plan

  1. March 2, 2009 at 11:54 am

    About that “England being a crap country” thing … my Mum would like a word with you. NOW.

  2. livieloo
    March 2, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Haha! Brilliant, absolutely Brilliant! It’s like being an indentured servant…except you get treated better.

  3. MR. Carley
    March 2, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Love it… 5 years is sufficient in my mind though.

  4. March 3, 2009 at 11:17 am

    ‘Citizenship Resorts’ – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    You so crazy.

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