Do you know what I fricking hate? I hate drivers that are oblivious. I’m not talking about the jerk that cuts you off because he’s trying to get to the sushi bar to meet with his yuppie friends.
I’m talking about the soccer mom with 18 kids in the back of her minivan, that cuts you off, sending you careening towards a guardrail, and never even notices what she’s done.
I say “she” for two reasons. First, “she” (whoever she is) ran me off the road this morning. Two, we all know that women can’t drive worth a crap even when they are paying attention. (hi mom) Usually when jerk guy cuts me off, there are at least 3 inches of clearance between our cars.
Not so with Ms. Oblivious. She pulls over with -4 feet. As most of you know, two cars cannot occupy the same space at the same time without causing some problems. I know it would be really nice if we could use a rift in the time-space continuum to avoid these accidents, but it’s just not possible.
So as she pulls into my lane, with at least 4 feet of her car occupying the same space as the front 4 feet of my car, I have to do some fricking Nascar style moves. I look over my shoulder (hint: ladies, they put that little requirement in the driving rule book for a reason) and saw that, to my utter surprise, that no one was occupying the grass next to the highway. Probably primarily because it’s “native prairie grass” which we don’t cut, so it’s roughly 1400 feet tall.
Keep in mind the entire event took less than 2 seconds.
I pulled off the highway at 70 (ok, maybe more like 80) MPH, fishtailed on the soft shoulder, and went flying through the native prairie grass.
I didn’t even get the chance to honk and thank her, because in the 2 seconds it took me to save my own life, she had disappeared into the distance, never knowing the havoc she had wrecked in her wake.
Give me the jerky driver any day over the oblivious one. Neither would stop to help you if they caused you to crash, but at least the jerky guy would know about it and have to live with the guilt.
So, I’m fine. My car appears to be ok, except for the native prairie grass stuck under my windshield wipers.
However, my legs are still jello, my heart is still pounding, and I feel lucky to be alive. And if I ever see that minivan again… I’ll recognize it because it said “Jenny’s Flowers” (apparently Ms. Oblivious soccer mom is also an entreprenuer) in huge, 6 inch tall letters… I’ll be initiating my sidewinder missile launcher.
That is all.