Ms. Oblivious Meets Mr. Nascar

Do you know what I fricking hate? I hate drivers that are oblivious. I’m not talking about the jerk that cuts you off because he’s trying to get to the sushi bar to meet with his yuppie friends.

I’m talking about the soccer mom with 18 kids in the back of her minivan, that cuts you off, sending you careening towards a guardrail, and never even notices what she’s done.

I say “she” for two reasons. First, “she” (whoever she is) ran me off the road this morning. Two, we all know that women can’t drive worth a crap even when they are paying attention. (hi mom) Usually when jerk guy cuts me off, there are at least 3 inches of clearance between our cars.

Not so with Ms. Oblivious. She pulls over with -4 feet. As most of you know, two cars cannot occupy the same space at the same time without causing some problems. I know it would be really nice if we could use a rift in the time-space continuum to avoid these accidents, but it’s just not possible.

So as she pulls into my lane, with at least 4 feet of her car occupying the same space as the front 4 feet of my car, I have to do some fricking Nascar style moves. I look over my shoulder (hint: ladies, they put that little requirement in the driving rule book for a reason) and saw that, to my utter surprise, that no one was occupying the grass next to the highway. Probably primarily because it’s “native prairie grass” which we don’t cut, so it’s roughly 1400 feet tall.

Keep in mind the entire event took less than 2 seconds.

I pulled off the highway at 70 (ok, maybe more like 80) MPH, fishtailed on the soft shoulder, and went flying through the native prairie grass.

I didn’t even get the chance to honk and thank her, because in the 2 seconds it took me to save my own life, she had disappeared into the distance, never knowing the havoc she had wrecked in her wake.

Give me the jerky driver any day over the oblivious one. Neither would stop to help you if they caused you to crash, but at least the jerky guy would know about it and have to live with the guilt.

So, I’m fine. My car appears to be ok, except for the native prairie grass stuck under my windshield wipers.

However, my legs are still jello, my heart is still pounding, and I feel lucky to be alive. And if I ever see that minivan again… I’ll recognize it because it said “Jenny’s Flowers” (apparently Ms. Oblivious soccer mom is also an entreprenuer) in huge, 6 inch tall letters… I’ll be initiating my sidewinder missile launcher.

That is all.

  20 comments for “Ms. Oblivious Meets Mr. Nascar

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Spatulavista You should look up Jenny’s Flowers in the phone book and go there and ask if someone drives a powder blue caravan. She’ll be all like ‘oh did I leave my lights on…again?’ and you’d be like ‘no you mother fucking baby factory do you realize you almost killed me because you are unaware that others drive on the same roads you do. You have mirrors, use them, you have a bendible neck, use it. If I had not been paying attention like you, your babies would have been killed and it would be your fault.’ …. I’m a girl but I am unbiast so I agree with the theory that women can’t drive, especially with minivans. I majored in mechanical engineering b/c I love cars and racing. I drive a sports car and know how to use it. I pay more attention to driving than most people. When anyone almost kills me I make sure I take note of their gender and race. White and black women are vehicular manslaughterers, especially in minivans. Teenage girls in gift sports cars are next. When a minivan is around me, I make sure to speed up or slow down so there will be no risk in them plowing into me. And if it is unavoidable I use my horn way more than necessary. Tailgate and hoooooooooooonk. Yeah.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Hey, Nightmare… when you use an HTML tag, it helps if you close the tag at the end…

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete It must have been cybermonster. I have only deleted 1 comment in the past 6 months, and it was the one that started the fight a few days ago.

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Nightmare For some reason My comment on making everyone learn to drive like me so at least we would all be the same asshole behind the wheel is gone? Did I do something to piss of the Incredipete? Did the Cybermonster eat it before it landed on the comment page? Why dear god why???

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Heather I still object to my opinion being called worthless, but I’m just excited that I made it into your entry!

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I would have let her hit me, but considering the speed we were going, I could see 6 months in the ICU “getting the last laugh…” To high a price for me to teach someone a lesson.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Steph First of all, soccer mom. Thank you very much.

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: cybil-522 I have decided that the next time someone does that to me… I will lay on the horn and NOT move. Let them fucktards hit me. I have insurance and will sue the shit out of them. “Mom” or not… they need to learn how to pay attention one way or another!

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete You don’t have to be very tough to “beat someone up” when you use a minivan…

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Teets Yikes! You were almost reduced to road Incredipete-za. hehe

  11. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Bad parenting is no excuse for bad driving.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl I hate driving in LA and refused to do so when I lived in CA. Hell, I hate driving in downtown San Diego and I grew up there. How much you want to bet that SoccerMom was taking a swing at one of the kids when she kicked Incredipete’s ass?

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Dhanzaess So basically the bottom line here is that Incredipete got beat up by a chick.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Andria I live in California (even worse… Los Angeles), a state that has more bad drivers than boob jobs. And that’s a lot.

  15. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I couldn’t find a “Jenny’s Flowers” however I did find a Barb’s Flowers in Olathe, KS. I sure she’s cut SOMEbody off at some point in her career.

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete The problem is, if you don’t generalize, then no one gets offended, and then the conversation on the comments page is either boring or non-existent.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl There goes Incredipete generalizing again, wonder how many pissed off soccer moms will flame him. I should videotape some of the fucksticks that drive around my son’s school at pickup time; I’ve pretty much decided there’s no way in hell my kid is ever walking to school by himself.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: NascarHole I initiated evasive maneuvers this morning to avoid the same fucking chick.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Andy Hey Incredipete, Thanks for the shout out. You know, I just call ’em like I see ’em. And I see a man in serious need of getting his pipes cleaned. Let’s hope your date goes well and you not forced to call in a professional, or worse yet, handle it yourself.

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Fizzerst, Suckas!

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