Mountain Dew: The Other Crack Cocaine

I hate shaving. Shaving hurts, and it just doesn’t make sense. Obviously god intended for us to have hair. Otherwise we would all be smooth as a baby’s butt. The fact that I hate shaving is aggravated by the fact that I sport a sexy, shiny shaved head. Women always complain about having to shave their legs, and say things like “Incredipete, you don’t know how hard it is to shave all that area, and you have knees and stuff that cause problems.” To that I say “BAH.” First of all, I doubt very much if your leg hair is as thick as the hair on my head (ok, not on top, but the rest of my head) and heads have plenty of bumps and stuff just waiting to be chopped off.

AND, if you carve up your legs, you can wear slacks, and no one will ever know. If I take a big chunk of my head off right above my ear, it’s not easy to hide it. People often say “wow, it must be great not to have to do your hair in the morning.” Yes, that’s true, but I have to take a very sharp razor to my head when I’m still groggy in the morning. Try it sometime. Next time you wake up in the night and need a drink, go to the kitchen and grab a steak knife, then run the edge around on your face and head. I think you’ll agree that hair would be easier. The only problem is, god stole my hair from me when I was a mere 17 years old, and if I don’t shave my head, I look like I’m 40. Which of course would only be helpful if I were interviewing for an executive position somewhere.

Aren’t I entertaining?! Sometimes I amaze myself. I’m sure you’re thinking “gosh, Incredipete must do a lot of drugs to be so darn entertaining.” What’s truly amazing is that I don’t do any at all. Believe it or not, I have never even tried any illegal drug. Not even pot. Not even cigarrettes. (ok, they’re legal, but they shouldn’t be) Heck, I don’t even drink anymore.

True story… when I was growing up, I never even SAW illegal drugs in person. The first time I ever saw pot, it was when a coworker offered it to me when I was 20. Are you amazed yet? It’s true! I was pretty sheltered as a kid, did the whole “pastor’s kid” thing, and went to a private school. By the time I was 20, the whole drug concept just didn’t sound interesting to me. I have enough problems without having an expensive habit that makes me dumber. More than one person has told me I can’t afford to give up any brain cells.

Instead, I have other vices, like blogging and buying shoes. Yes, I buy shoes. A lot of shoes. Does that sound gay? Well, I’m not gay, but I love shoes. I think I could give Imelda Marcos a run for her money. Another vice of mine is Mountain Dew. That stuff is every bit as addictive as booze, and probably drugs, too. At one point, I was up to 20 cans a day. My kidneys were about to put out a want ad for a new host. The last couple of days I drank one in the morning, and already I have started to crave it. I will not be partaking again.

I’m also a total technology junkie. I love to buy all of the newest gadgets, and I rarely ever even use them. I just buy them and admire them for a while. The only exception is my collection of camera gear. I started buying cameras, then lenses, then all the accessories. It’s a total addiction. I can’t stop buying camera equipment. I need a 12 step program…

To be honest, I’m pretty fond of kicking back some Cuervo or some Stoli, but I’ve been on this perscription, and I can’t drink while I’m on it. It’s not so bad, actually. I thought it would suck, but I still go to happy hour, and now I drink Coke. Which means I get to see my friends getting tipsy, but my bill is always under 2 bucks. Not a bad thing!

Another addiction of mine, as I’m sure you all gathered if you read the catfight is a good looking, well endowed blonde. I’m trying to give that up, too, because it tends to get me into trouble. I’m currently seeking a redhead or a brunette to help pull me through and overcome my addiction. Please send inquiries to incrediIncredipete@gmail.com.

Until next time, remember what Liz Taylor said: “People with no vices usually have some pretty annoying virtues.”

Thanks for stopping by. It was a pleasure, as always.