Mission: Virus Retention

It’s probably time for a real entry.

I wonder about the government’s ability to find it’s butt with both hands. I doubt their ability to dump sand out of a shoe if the instructions are written on the bottom.

Thus, I find it mildly disturbing to listen to the stories of government stockpiles of the plague. I understand that samples are needed in order to make vaccines.

However, I also know that this is the same government that couldn’t figure out how to successfully bump off a third world dictator.

Do I want government researchers and such keeping deadly viruses in their refrigerator? No.

When it comes to security, the government is definitely not who I would call. Maybe if they had ADT or something. But if it’s anything like when I was on my company’s “call list” for alarms, the people that ADT attempts to contact will turn off their ringer and pretend they never heard it.

So we’re left in a quandry. We don’t want the government (or guv-mint, as my old Econ professor used to say) stockpiling viruses, but we probably shouldn’t destroy the only method we have for creating a vaccine, since inevitably a rogue nation has been stealing from our unguarded stockpile for years.

Not to be baffled by little problems like bio-warfare, I have come up with a solution.

We will let State Farm Insurance company take charge of storing virus samples.

What group of people is more anal retentive, bureaucratic, annoying, and downright stingy than them? I submit that these people are the best suited to the task.

If you don’t believe me, try wrecking your car and try to get a check. You’ll be lucky if you can get an appraiser to visit spit on you, let alone look at your car. If you’re lucky enough to actually meet an appraiser, you can be sure that you will not receive a check large enough to pay for the damage.

You can’t argue with efficiency like that. It’s a company that takes in money each month, and then well, they just keep it. Forever.

We have the added benefit that insurance agents are the last people on earth that want an epidemic. Epidemics are bound to cost money. Think of all the Ebola-spattered steering wheels that would have to be replaced.

If we can’t get control taken away from the government, I think that the IRS should take possession of the virus samples. The IRS is another entity that is excellent at “retaining” things that belong to other people.

I need a fricking nap.

  20 comments for “Mission: Virus Retention

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Some people like the comma splice. I prefer the apostrophe splice.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    The insurance companies have to be stingy so that when you need your insurance payment, it’s there. Do you have ANY idea how many scumbags are attracted to insurance company fraud?
    My mother worked for a certain very well-known auto insurance company, handling claims. I heard stories my whole life like, people showing up saying, “Uh…my soft top is…peeling, see, because…someone poured acid on it, so I’ll need a new convertible top. I know the car is 15 years old and I’m the third owner, but, I swear, I saw the guy pour acid on it. Honest. Pay me.” Or, how about the unemployed illegal undocumented worker with no abnormal MRI findings, who insists he needs $2 million cool ones for neck pain after being rear-ended. The accident resulted in $300 damage to his 18-year-old bumper, but. His neck hurts real bad and he needs the money. You should be thankful for insurance companies.
    Except they keep (gag!) trial attornies fat.
    Otherwise, I’m in full agreement, Incredipete. Go get ’em, Incredipete. Tell it like it is.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Incredipete, Incredipete, Incredipete,

    Really what are we going to do with you?

    Insurance companies? that is just straight out of science fiction. No one would be evil enough to FORCE you to give them money just to try and with hold it from you when you need it. And to expect these strangers to cough up some dough when you get in a car accident…ludicris.

    But if there really was such a thing as a “insurance company” I think that it would probably be loosly regulated by some sort of Guv-ment agancy so that you could have as much money as you wanted as long as you had a minimum of 30 pounds of documentation to proove that you may have had an altercation, or accident.

    But really who belives this shit?

    wake up and smell the oil fires will you?

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Just picking nits here

    — “it’s butt” should be “its butt” —

    now I better go back and read the actual entry to see what you’re talking about! (I get so distracted by the little things sometimes.)

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Id have to say I completely agree that the Center of Disease Control in Atlanta has always freaked me out. If you were a terrorist, can you think of a better place to bomb? Incredipete!! Email me dude!! We should do lunch sometime.

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Hear Ye … Hear Ye … brilliant solution! … and I like the triple dot splice

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Either that or leave my grandmother in charge of it. She’s uber-stingy and if she loses them at least NO ONE will be able to find them.

    Does this make us the Splice Girls?

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Can I be “Bald Splice?”

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Wait.. no. Actually I’m an A- — and it says “one of the most balanced people around”. WTF. Balanced my ass…. Heh!

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    The test must be defective.

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Incredipete, that’s shocking. I had no idea.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Incredipete an A+?? colour me stunned. I’m an A- (well-balanced, etc) … I keep trying to TELL you people that I’m too self-centred to be unbalanced!

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Only an A. I can compartmentalize well, especially when there’s sun and rum involved.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    No Way!!! *tee hee* I’m Type A:

    You are hyper, energetic, and always on the mood
    You tend to succeed at everything you attempt
    And if you don’t succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top!

    You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for fun
    As long as it’s high energy and competitive, you’re interested
    You have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    No big surprise there at all Incredipete. I’m a type B personality. Not a suprise to me either. We could never be married ha ha ha

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    I’ve been told more than once that my “type a” meant “type ASS”

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    I have a type Z personality. As in ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snork* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I were any more mellow you’d be able to pour me into a Creepy Crawler mold and cook me into a keychain.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    Huh. Type A? I would have surely thought of you as a Type F.U.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    As expected:

    You Have A Type B+ Personality


    You’re a pro at going with the flow
    You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer
    A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.

    While you’re totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.
    Get into a project you love, and you won’t stop until it’s done
    You’re passionate – just selective about your passions

    Do You Have a Type A Personality?

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    *snicker* Certainly not I…

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