Letters for Everyone

Dear Head,

Why do you hate me so? I give you everything you want, from lots of yummy food, to mountain dew, and knowledge. I treat you as if you’re a part of me, and how do you repay me? You burn off all my hair, ache incessantly, and make me dizzy so I barf.

Thanks for nothing.



Dear Pups,

I know that it’s very fun to jump up and snap at me, but when you grab my $60 Geoffrey Beene shirt and rip a big chunk out of it, it makes me feel very angry. I realize that you’re just dumb animals, and you don’t know that it’s bad to destroy my property, but don’t you think that $8,000 dollars worth of stuff is enough? I’m going to have to get a second job just to replace the things you destroy.

Please stop.



Dear Stalker Girl,

I’m very sorry that I gave you the idea that we could have a relationship. If I had known that having a website would lead you on, I never would have started it. Maybe it would be best if you stopped calling me, and threatening to move to Kansas City to be near me. It might be a good idea to stalk someone more geographically desirable, and perhaps even someone that likes you a little bit.

Just a thought.



Dear Professors,

I apologize for skipping two classes in a row. I would feel bad, except that you taught the exact same material the past 4 times I’ve had you as a prof. Don’t you think you could teach something new, or is your knowledge a mile deep and an inch wide? Please let me know when you’re going to teach something new, and I’ll happily come back to class.




Dear Diaryland,

I really enjoy the intuitive user interface that you provide for all of us. It makes updating and commenting very easy, even for huge morons. It would be cool if maybe you could go more than 3 months without burning up your server and going down for 5 days…

Just a thought.



Dear Pepsico,

Thank you for making Mountain Dew. It is very yummy, and I love it. I drink over 6 gallons every day. I’ve tried to cut back, but when I do, my head hurts so bad I want to smash it with a hammer to relieve the pain. What do you put into Mountain Dew that makes it so hard to quit? Crack? Heroin? Crystal Meth?

I want to love you, but you make it so hard when you hurt me.



Dear Quicktrip,

Boy, it sure would be nice if you had one of your stores right on my way to work. I need my Mountain Dew fix, and sometimes I leave too late to go out of my way. Thanks.



Dear Shell,

I used to go to your stores all the time, but then one day, you converted all your pumps to prepay.

I don’t understand this. Quicktrip doesn’t make me prepay. It’s not like we’re in the ghetto. Prepay makes no sense. What if in addition to gas, I also want to buy a Mountain Dew? And what if I don’t know exactly how much it’s going to cost to fill up my tank? Do I have to guess? And what if I pay too much? I know you refund my card, but… now my receipt is wrong.

Drop dead.



Dear Totinos,

Thank you for making combination flavor pizza rolls. I eat half a bag for dinner each and every night. My arteries are clogged, and I am 20 pounds overweight, but that’s okay, because you make me love you. Please don’t ever change.

With much love and devotion,



Dear City of Olathe,

It would be really cool if you could, like, shovel my street when it snows. I realize that it’s a dead end street, and you aren’t too concerned about it since there’s no through traffic, but you know what… there are a few of us that live on the street and have to get out of our driveways. Please!

P.S. Could you please move my trash pickup day to Thursday? Wednesday conflicts with my school schedule, and since your code says I can’t put the trash out a day early, I have now accumulated roughly 10 metric tons of garbage in my garage.



Dear George W. Bush,

I like you, man. I voted for you. You claim to have convictions about some of the things I care about.

But you know, I’ve been thinking about this whole “war” thing. I can’t say I agree with what’s going on. I consider myself a staunch conservative, yet somehow, sending our military into someone else’s problems just doesn’t make much sense. Not only does it make no sense, it’s inspiring terrorists to want to blow us up.

So here are a couple of questions I’d like answered: 1. Who the heck cares if Muslims want to oppress and massacre their own? I certainly don’t. In fact, they’ve been doing it for about 2000 years, and I don’t think there’s much chance we’re going to stop them. Probably make them really mad, but we’re not going to stop them. 2. Who the heck cares about Israel? I mean, honestly… they’re good people, and it sucks what Germany did to them during world war II, but still… what the heck does that have to do with us? We’re allies, so we have to do their work for them? No. All it’s doing when we support Israel is making everyone in the middle east angrier, both at Israel and at us.

Doesn’t it make more sense for us to just butt out, and let them fight out their own problems? I mean, really, what’s the worst thing that happens? They all kill each other off? I’m okay with that. We need to withdraw ALL of our troops from the middle east, and we’ll we’re at it, from Europe. None of those creeps have their forces here, and I don’t think we’d like it too much if they did.

Get a grip.


  23 comments for “Letters for Everyone

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Steph Sorry, y’all. Dint know I could use HTML in here. Thanks for the ed.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete PS… I test drove a Honda Civic Hybrid… but I couldn’t effing afford it. If the danged goverment had payed to develop the technology, I could have gotten one for about $50.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Priceless, HRT. Steph, I’m looking forward to seeing you.

  4. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Dear Steph,

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Steph Bonus– If I buy Imperial Hubris then I’ll look hecka smart, too. I’ll carry it around with me all the time. I’ll BEG people to interview me so I can tell them I’m reading Imperial Hubris, as recommended by Incredipete. When are you going to buy a Prius? The only one I know who owns one is the pretentious principal of my child’s school, who runs around saying, (gag) “It takes a village to raise a child.” Anyway. If we’re not ready quite yet to go without oil altogether, I say we plunder Mexico for oil. Mexican food kicks ASS and so I say we should just take them over. We supply 50% of their economy, so it’s about time. And, yes, let’s put an end to importing foreign-born Arabs, like yesterday, unless they can prove some sort of heroic pro-American action they took. I actually called the FBI on a guy I met recently here from Syria, getting his degree in effing Chemical Engineering!!! I want his ass deported NOW! How stupid have we been?? I agree the Iraqi war won’t counterbalance the sort of stupidity that allows illegals to do whatever they want in this country. But it’s about time we started kicking ass. Modern Imperialism is good sometimes. Anyway. Signing off. Except, I’m moving to Kansas City, and changing my name to Steph Lucas, so look for me this weekend. We were meant to be. (Call me.)

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete She’s really hot, so I call her ALL the time. She told me I should stop, but hey… I have to take out a lot of restraining orders. She needs to get a grip.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete If there’s any stalking going on, let me know, so I can call my personal “Restraining Order Advisor.”

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete The only industry in the Middle East that we have a part in (significant) is the oil industry. If we had spent the 600 billion dollars that we spent invading Iraq on alternative energy sources, we would not need their stinking oil. No oil money, no industry. No industry, no Arab businessmen. No Arab businessmen, no need for them to visit us. And yes, I would not let another Arab into the country EVER. It’s not racism. It’s profiling. Profiling is not wrong. Profiling means “Arabs do 94.5% of all terrorist acts in the world, therefore we will give 94.5% of our attention to watching them.” Steph, go check out a book on Amazon.com called “Imperial Hubris.” It covers the “other side” (my side) of what’s happening with Jihad, etc. It’s written anonymously by a high-level intelligence person for our very own goverment. It’s anonymous because he exposes a lot of the shenanigans that are going on.

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Steph Oh, Incredipete. Incredipete Incredipete Incredipete. I agree our first mistake was not being rabidly protective of our borders and not deporting illegals. I want everybody using a fingerprint for ID, not a stolen social security number. Hmmph. I’d also like to see less dependence on Saudi oil so we’re not oil whores. But isolationism isn’t an option any more, especially with the World Wide Web. You are hated for US presence in the Middle East as we conduct business there. Arabs travel to western countries and hate our culture. Incredipete Incredipete Incredipete. Our troops need our full support. DO NOT fade out on these guys. Or we will have another Vietnam. I agree we need to demonstrate our seriousness as far as retaliation. But look where its gotten Israel. They kill dozens for every Jew who is slaughtered, but the suicide bombers just keep on coming. Our war is just and a right thing to do–maybe not the perfect thing to do, but necessary. A lot of the money being spent on the war is going to US companies, too, don’t forget. It’ll get mixed around. And Incredipete, I still love you. But not like a stalker.

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: syn_ack89 Dear Lens, please stop popping out of my glasses and dropping into a stream of urine. IP

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete My more cynical approach would be to just go all out right now. Nuke all of the major Islamic cities. Just do it. Get it over with. Yeah, the world would be mad, but they sure as shootin wouldn’t want to mess with us after that.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I did, however, recently order a t-shirt that says “Team Infidel” in big red, white and blue letters.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete In short… I believe in teaching freedom by example, not at the point of the gun. Don’t you see the irony in pointing a gun at someone and telling them “Be free, and like it, damn you!”

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Steph, I can appreciate your point of view, while not agreeing totally with it. I agree that they hate our way of life. But America was perfectly designed to be a fortress against the outside world, by being separated by two vast oceans, and surrounded by two faily pacifist countries. The things we are doing, and have done over the past 80 years have done nothing but further anger the Muslim world. They weren’t doing a whole lot of terrorist acts on the U.S. before we sent our fleet and parked it on their coast, then deployed hundreds of thousands of troops there. What they hate more than our way of life is that we are trying to push our way of life on them.

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: twobaddogs I feel kind of stupid going after Steph because she has, like, convictions and beliefs and stuff and all I have is advice about doin’ the dew: If you want to quit, DON’T GO COLD TURKEY unless you have a lot of sick time to burn off. If you’ve never had a migraine before, that will kick one off. Wean yourself off. Or just keep drinking it. I’m all pacifist and subversive like that.

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Steph Incredipete– You’re the best. Mountain Dew is gross. I heard they make it with spider eggs. At least that’s what they used to say in the 70’s. But maybe it was a disco thing. Starbucks is The Man. Listen. Something has to be done in the Middle East; unfortunately we haven’t attacked Saudi Arabia…yet. I suggest a very fine book called “Saudis” by Sandra Mackey. She’s a reporter who spent a great deal of time in Saudi Arabia and she does such a phenomenally interesting and enlightening job of reviewing Arab culture and lifestyle. It’s fascinating and there is no agenda–this is not one of those fundamentalist Christian publications. It’s even a bit salacious in parts and if that doesn’t hook you…. If you read it you’ll understand the source of Arab hatred toward the US and realize that nothing short of defensive and offensive aggression will open the Middle East to Western thought and demonstrate that the US is willing to fight our enemies. Democracy is desperately needed in the Middle East, and Israel is the only democracy there now. They are our ally; their air force took out Iran’s nuclear reactors in the 1981, for example. This was a good thing, I’m sure you will agree. The corrupt governments in the Middle East are financing corrupt religious leaders who HATE YOU for your way of life. The every day common man in the Middle East is shackled by religious oppression that serves to undermine economies. Men are highly educated and lacking opportunity to care for their families, and to dream about the good life. Women have no rights whatsoever and are excluded from society. Religious leaders teach men that they don’t need the trappings of modern society, and that the US and Europe are evil. Powerful leaders maintain their power by financing zealous, hateful religious leaders who, in turn, protect self-serving rulers from restless men who are convinced that the US is to blame for their woes, and that Islam is the way. It isn’t hard to see. You do understand that you are hated because you don’t cover your head, you attend school with women, you don’t pray five times per day? Your way of life threatens the purity of Islam; US pop culture undermines Allah’s word, and you and your loved ones are evil. Our technical advances and luxuries are an embarrassment to the cultural stagnation of Islamic societies the world over. We conduct ourselves every day with impudence toward Allah’s word, as far as the deeply religious Muslim is concerned. This is why we were attacked on 9/11 and before that, and why we will be attacked again and again until we slap back and until the people of the Middle East are able to explore tolerance and enjoy Western-style freedoms. Until then, our way of life is threatened. I highly encourage you to drop by jihad.com now and then for real-life examples of what Islamo-fascists are up to, even in this country. Our children are taught tolerance of muslims and understanding of terrorists, without reciprocation. The moderates of Iran are waiting for their turn at democracy; hopefully all Arabs and Iranians and Muslims everywhere will demand more freedom and will see that the US is not the great Satan–but it will take time. Aggression toward Saddam Hussein is causing Iran and other corrupt regimes to realize that this time the US means business and we are not going to roll over and play dead–as long as pacifist, subversive liberals aren’t allowed back in power here. We’re doing the right thing; I understand that it is quite possible that my children may be asked to defend our country in the future. God forbid, but if it comes to that, understand it will be a fight for our very existence. Do you want to live like most of the rest of the world? I don’t. I’m glad we have a president who keeps the American military stoked and ready for action and that he’s willing to stand up to the anti-American UN and to terrorists who want us all dead. Iran isn’t kidding that it wants to exterminate us–that’s nothing new. Our presence in Iraq and Afganistan are advantageous, especially since we know that Saudi Arabia is a backstabbing false ally of the most sinister type. I hope you’ll see that. Our troops need our support, not our wavering. This is why I voted for Bush. The left has me painted as a stupid, brainwashed Christian fundamentalist; I am none of the above. I am a mother and wife who loves her country and her freedom, and I want to make the world a safer place for all the world’s citizens. Come on…take back what you said, please.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: DearHole Dear Incredipeter,

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wombat First come the Pre=pay pumps, then the check cashing centers, then the pawn shops.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Fortunately, the neighborhood the prepay pumps are going in, is where I work, not where I live… Thank god.

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Andy Pre-pay gas stations are the first sign your neighborhood is going to hell. Next there’ll be Rent a Centers and drug stores will start putting up crude, hand drawn “NO Oxy-0cotin on Premises” signs.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Anisettekiss Awww. Poor babe. I hope you feel better. I’m hoping you’ll head into the doctor as soon as you stop spewing, or at least buy some over the counter relief. xoxo I lost a bet to the patriots. Andy rocks my world.

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl Yer addicted to the caffiene, boy. Those headaches you get will go away after about a week or so but not if you keep drinking the Crack, er…I mean the Dew. And I agree with you on Bush; we need to keep our troops AND out money where it belongs: here being used to protect and take care of US citizens.

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: BigPimpinMBA Thanks for the shoutout.

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