Jesus: The Untrue Account

If you were going to write a Broadway show about the life of Jesus…

You might want to portray it accurately. Just a thought.

I can accept that it’s all about the entertainment factor. That it’s creative license. That the actual life of Christ was not exactly conducive to high-kicking show tunes.

However, I still have a few notes for the director of Jesus Christ Superstar:

1. Whatever the skanky girls with Howard Stern wigs were supposed to represent… give it up. They were creepy and bizarre, and not even remotely interesting.

2. It’s probably not the best idea to cast the guy with the best voice in the role of Judas Iscariot instead of Jesus.

3. If the real Jesus were a Broadway singer, he’d probably be able to hit all of the notes in his songs.

4. Much of the Biblical account of Jesus’ life was mirrored in other historical accounts… you might consider keeping at least a few of the facts somewhat related to reality.

5. Pontias Pilate actually didn’t want to execute Jesus, and tried to convince the Jews to let him go by offering up a choice between Jesus and a convicted criminal, Barabus, going free. The Jews shouted “Give us Barabus.” However, in the show, Pilate was pissy and arrogant, and never gave the crowd the choice.

6. The high priest, Ciaphus… why did he sound just like the Grinch? Is that supposed to be clever? It’s not.

7. Why the heck would you end the story of Jesus at the crucifixion? Duh. That’s not the happy ending… morons.

8. Contrary to what John Lennon said… the Beatles were not more popular than Jesus, and in 2,000 years, I doubt very much they’ll still be remembered, whereas I’m fairly sure Jesus will still be “on the charts.”

9. Andrew Lloyd Webber should stick to writing about people whose faces were burned with acid.

Thanks.

Incredipete

  37 comments for “Jesus: The Untrue Account

  1. July 14, 2005 at 9:55 am

    I hope they accurately depicted the People’s Front of Judea.

    Blessed are the cheesemakers.

  2. July 14, 2005 at 10:13 am

    I hate it when people get the words wrong!

  3. July 14, 2005 at 10:39 am

    Wait. Where did that John Lennon comment come from?? (I can almost HEAR Rachel’s face wincing…)
    You should know that John’s comment was to poke fun at how much attention the Beatles were getting from media and fans when they “invaded” the US. Like an exaggeration. Because there IS no one “bigger” than Jesus. Since Jesus is the biggest, it would be absurd to litterally mean it. It’s like saying, “I’m more catholic than the Pope.”
    I am, in NO way, more catholic than the Pope and since he seems like the most extreme example of what a catholic is, I chose him. However, some people might misconstrue my words and say that I am arrogant and I think I should be the Pope because I am MUCH more catholic.

  4. July 14, 2005 at 10:57 am

    Jenna, I don’t think so….

    Here’s the actual quote:

    “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. … We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first-rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”

  5. July 14, 2005 at 11:00 am

    Slight correction to the quote:

    “Christianity will go,’ he said. ‘It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first-rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.’

  6. MyraMains
    July 14, 2005 at 11:08 am

    I just think it’s cool that Incredipete knows his Jesus stuff.

  7. July 14, 2005 at 11:12 am

    How interesting, because I have oodles of info on them and all it captured was the “We’re bigger than Jesus now.” I had always thought he was joking because who honestly SAYS that. I remember watching an interview with him where he was trying to explain (cover up?) what he meant. He mentioned how America’s teens have lost touch with their religion and give their priority to fads and the famous. I don’t think that’s SO wrong, if that actually was his point.
    The whole “which will go” part sounds like the crap kids used to talk about when they were strung out… they like to gab about shit that doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m right about John being wasted.

  8. Rik
    July 14, 2005 at 11:18 am

    Lennon was a douche. I’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again. BTW, Andy, i’ve been reading your stuff, and it’s quite good. I still don’t know why everyone thinks you’re gay.

  9. July 14, 2005 at 11:22 am

    Dude. How many famous people AREN’T douches compared to how many that are?

  10. July 14, 2005 at 11:23 am

    Thanks Rik. I think for the most part they’re just teasin. :^) The rumor was started by Incredipete, who was once described as flamboyent and I took that to mean he was a flaming, knob swallowing fairy. Many of us still aren’t sure.

    He’s just trying to get me back.

    The funny thing that nobody here has realized is that Jenna is actually a man.

  11. Rik
    July 14, 2005 at 11:25 am

    LMAO. Jenna, that must have been a pretty good surgeon.Anyway, don’t you love it when hippies loose?

  12. July 14, 2005 at 11:25 am

    Go trash me on MY site BIATCH!!

  13. July 14, 2005 at 11:27 am

    *smooch*

  14. July 14, 2005 at 11:29 am

    Jeann, here’s a link to the original article:

    http://www.geocities.com/nastymcquickly/articles/standard.html

    I think he was discussing the decline of christianity and how rock is becoming the new religion. I don’t think it was said in jest, and I don’t think he was poking fun. I think it was just his (asinine) observation.

  15. Rik
    July 14, 2005 at 11:35 am

    Jenna why would andyone want to trash you?

  16. July 14, 2005 at 11:37 am

    She/he’s a bit touchy today. I don’t think Jeann didnt my pedphile joke yesterday and I am on “the list”.

  17. July 14, 2005 at 11:47 am

    I never considered Andrew Lloyd Weber to be a reliable historian. I believe he took some liberties with T.S. Eliot, too.

    I will continue to rock out to the hella funk that is JC Superstar because it’s got enough bass to comIncredipete with the homies in my neighborhood.

  18. July 14, 2005 at 12:12 pm

    Uh, Andy, in explaining why diaryland thinks you’re a big ‘mo, you forgot to mention the chocolate butter buttsex (or whatever the fuck it was called) massage you had shortly after the pink, er – salmon shirt debacle. 😉

  19. July 14, 2005 at 12:18 pm

    Well, yea, there was that too. And the time those 4 male dancers shoved thier cocks up my butt, that also might have given people the wrong impression too.

    joking. no. really.

    Reminds me of the clasic Onion op ed piece:
    http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4127&type=opinion&o=1&id=545

  20. July 14, 2005 at 12:24 pm

    I call Andy a feyg in the same way I call my best friend “douchebag”… it’s a term of affection.

    I like the Beatles and all, but I like Jesus more…

  21. Rik
    July 14, 2005 at 12:49 pm

    Got it!

  22. July 14, 2005 at 1:10 pm

    Andria, yea, I forgot that. Also there was the time I was caught giving that solid gold male dancer a bj. That didn’t help either.

    Joking. I am joking.

    Oh, and jeann hates me because the patriots kicked the eagles sorry ass.

  23. July 14, 2005 at 1:17 pm

    Andy, as long as it was a Solid Gold dancer, and not a Dance Fever dancer, you’re ok. Because Dance Fever would just be GAY.

  24. July 14, 2005 at 1:17 pm

    At least you understand Andria. Thank you. whew.

  25. July 14, 2005 at 1:18 pm

    Oh you’re ON the list… I’m just not telling you which one.

  26. July 14, 2005 at 1:19 pm

    double secret probation? I hate that.

  27. July 14, 2005 at 1:41 pm

    You LOVE it!!

  28. July 14, 2005 at 1:45 pm

    Yes, mamm.

  29. July 14, 2005 at 2:24 pm

    Ohhhhh………. Heavens.

    *cringing in the corner*

  30. July 14, 2005 at 2:28 pm

    Jenna for Pope!!

  31. July 14, 2005 at 2:40 pm

    Men who wear pink shirts = not necessarily gay.

    Men who wear pink shirts but call it ‘salmon’ = very gay.

  32. July 14, 2005 at 2:59 pm

    Man in a pink shirt, ironing my blouse = sexy
    Me in the buff, ironing Incredipete’s suit = priceless

  33. July 14, 2005 at 2:59 pm

    Amen.

  34. Rik
    July 14, 2005 at 3:33 pm

    Two Phantom/ALW references in two days. I think we were seperated at birth, Incredipete.

  35. July 14, 2005 at 4:58 pm

    JC Superstar was written in the seventies when everyone, including Andrew Loyd Webber were stoned to the gills, so don’t expect to much in the way of accurate adherence to the Bible. The Church made quite a big stink out of the play when it first hit broadway.

    One thing of note, the reason Judas has the best voice is because he is the leading man. I know, you think Jesus should be, but the play was written as the story of Jesus as told by Judas.

  36. Livieloo
    July 14, 2005 at 10:58 pm

    Hahahahaha! Brilliant I love it. You’re comments, that is. Yeah, I can’t really say that that show is one I’ve ever really wanted to pay money to go see. Of course, if you have season passes, what the heck right? It’s kind of like me having that exchange thing at Blockbuster. I don’t feel bad switching out a movie that I know is going to suck because, what the heck, I can get a thousand good ones anytime I want. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the stupidity of the world around you.
    Liv

  37. July 15, 2005 at 11:11 pm

    Incredipete, i love how you write an entry pertaining to Jesus with a mention for the beatles and it turns into a gay love fest. Awesome. Not that I’m for gay love fests or anything………..

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