So just in case any of you are wondering what I did on my day off work, I’ll tell you. I spent the day cancelling and replacing the contents of my wallet. Yes, I, the almighty anal-retentive, “never misplaces anything ever” guy, lost, or had stolen, his own personal stuff. I got home last night and realized the only thing left in my pocket was one of my two insurance cards. It was not a good feeling. I retraced my steps from Thursday to no avail, and finally gave up the search. The rest of the day was spent recovering vital pieces of identification and other assorted affects, not the least of which was my driver’s license. Standing in line at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) for 2 hours really focused my mind on some of the major problems with this country, and I would like to share a modest proposal of my “Social Reform” plan.
1. All lines at government institutions will be immediately converted into the following arrangement. First, there will be at least 10 open windows for all tax-paying citizens. This does not mean that the 10 windows can “say” they’re open yet not have a clerk at them. Second, all non taxpaying citizens (or illegals for that matter) will be routed to a single window, which will be labeled “Losers.” The “Losers” line will be the line in which all welfare moms, homeless people, handicapped people, non English speaking immigrants, illegal aliens, and any other retarded moron that will take more than their fair share of time will stand. This will allow quick and efficient processing of the members of society that actually PAY the DMV employees, while simultaneously punishing the “Losers.” It’s ingenious.
2. On the subject of waiting lines (or queues for my more international audience) I would like to voice another proposal. All mothers taking vast scads of children to McDonalds exactly at noon and ordering 57 happy meals with special cooking instructions will be put into a paddywagon and carted directly to jail, and their children will become wards of the state. I understand that children must eat, and I am not opposed to them even eating McDonalds. However, business people also have to eat, and in a huge majority of cases, must do so between noon and 1 PM. This means that they have very limited time in which to order and consume their food. Mothers taking their small children to McDonalds do not have deadlines. I’m sure that sounds like a broad generalization, but I assure you, it’s the case. The women could easily go at, say… 11 AM, or 1 PM. But no, they would rather go at noon and ruin all of the working people’s lives.
3. People requiring a handicapped permit for their car will no longer be allowed to drive. Ever. Neither will people with the little “Christian Fish Emblem.” Everyone knows that handicapped and fish emblem people drive like crackheads, and I think we need to nip the problem in the bud and take them off the streets. And if you’re so handicapped, how come you jog into the store from your excellent parking space? Huh? Explain it! You can’t. That’s because you are just losers bucking the system. Parking is first come, first served, just like everything else in life. Quit asking for a handout. AND, while on the subject of handicapped parking, I would like to say that on more than one occasion, I’ve seen a handicapped person park in one of OUR SPOTS! Can you believe that? How come they don’t get a ticket? We can’t park in theirs… Obviously it’s a corrupt system.
4. No retail sales person may EVER be payed on commission. I’m saying we need a federal mandate. If you work retail, you get an hourly wage. Period. I hate places like “Radio Shack” where the clerks beat each other up to try and sell you the most expensive thing in the store, which of course you don’t need, and even if you buy it, turns out to be shoddy and worthless. I much prefer the apathy of a clerk punching a time clock. Nothing good can come from offering incentives to morons.
5. Road construction will be limited to two evenings per project. This means “destruction” (the part that usually lasts several months) would be done on the first evening, and the following evening, the “construction” crew would come and finish the repair. Nothing in road construction is so complicated it couldn’t be done in two evenings. The problem is project management, and a general lack of manpower needed. If you don’t believe me, go watch a Manhattan, NY construction project. You go to bed, and the next morning, they have a new highway. That’s how it should be.
6. People in sports cars must go at least 10 MPH over the speed limit. Face it, is there anything more annoying than a Corvette going the speed limit? Why did someone buy a 500 horsepower car to go the speed limit? A Honda Civic is perfectly capable of going, even exceeding the speed limit. And on a similar note, I propose “unwritten rules of speed limits.” Under my system, the far right lane would be for those going the actual speed limit, the middle lane for those going 10 MPH over, and the far left lane for those going in excess of 10 MPH over the limit. Any vehicles going below the speed limit would be chased down by an Apache helicopter armed with Sidewinder missles, and blown to pieces, to allow the rest of traffic to flow naturally.
7. In my world, there would be no lawyers. If someone wronged you, you would take them in front of a group of 5 year olds, and whomever was chosen as the guilty party by the 5 year olds would then be executed. 5 year olds don’t lie, and they are excellent judges of character. Any younger, they might not understand the facts, any older, and reasonable doubt could creep in, and we don’t want that.
8. In my world, anyone caught driving drunk would be gunned down by police as soon as the sobriety test was complete. The drunk driver’s car would be given to a family that had lost a loved one to a drunk driver. Poetic. I considered adding that the drunk driver’s family would also be executed, but I don’t want to be accused of being heartless. That doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s a good idea. If you want to know why I feel strongly about this issue, read this article.
This concludes my rant for today. I hope you agree with my many opinions, and if you don’t… you must be a retarded moron. Make sure you send me an angry comment or email so I continue to have material for my “Gutless Unsigned Hate Mail of the Day.”