Pete’s School of Fashion Faux Pas

Does anyone else hate it when people wear clothes that “don’t work” for them. I mean, whether it’s body style, age, whatever… you need to dress for success.

For example. If you are 48 years old, and you still wear your hair up in a pony tail and wear skin tight pink capri’s, you need to get a grip. Nobody thinks you’re cute, except possibly 93 year old men in a nursing home. It’s gross, and I don’t care how “great” your body is… if you’re over 40, it’s just not right.

And another example. If you weigh 340 pounds, you should probably not wear a tube top. I’m not trying to be judgemental, but despite what you think, the tube top does not make you look thinner. It makes you look like the Michelin Man. If you weigh more than 50 pounds over your ideal body weight, you should wear clothes that drape over you, not clothes that cling to you. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t know whose bright idea low-rise pants with high-rise thongs was, but it was a bad one. If more than 50% of your underwear is showing, a) your pants are not large enough to properly cover your butt, or b) your underwear is way too big, or c) your underwear is pulled up way too far. And, on a similar note, guys, pull your pants up. No one… I mean NO ONE wants to see your boxers. Period. No girl wants to see your boxers, no guy wants to see your boxers, your ‘homies’ don’t want to see your boxers, your mom doesn’t want to see your boxers, no, not even your girlfriend wants to see them. (Assuming you can find a girl idioted enough to go out with someone that wears their pants around their knees.)

Men, if you don’t know how to match patterns, then wear solids. For Incredipete’s sake, you can’t just wear any combination of what’s in your closet. Vertical stripes will never match your plaid pants. Ever. If you’re not smart enough to figure that out, then you should buy a bunch of jeans, and a bunch of solid t-shirts, and throw everything else you own away. That way, no matter what you pull out of the closet, you match.

And guys, PLEASE, don’t wear tight shirts or pants. It’s disgusting. Nobody wants to see your “curves” or “muscles” or whatever it is you’re trying to show off. It’s ok for certain girls to wear tight clothes… ONLY girls that are within 5 pounds of their ideal weight, eat nothing but salad, and work out 2 hours a day. No other people are allowed to wear anything skin tight. Ever.

For everyone, if your feet are knarly and gross, please don’t wear open toed shoes. And don’t try to fool us by wearing socks under your open toed shoes, because we know you’re just trying to hide the evil fungus and warts. We don’t need that mental picture.

By following these simple rules, you can prevent mass vomitting, and can do your part to make the world a better place. Do it for the children.

  6 comments for “Pete’s School of Fashion Faux Pas

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Bindery Bitch Hey! Watch the bindery comments…we are watching you.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete The bindery includes women that wear tank tops with nothing under them. I’m just waiting for the day they have to extricate a woman’s boob from the “little nipper” in the bindery. It’s bound to happen eventually.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” Incredipete, I told you to stay away from the bindery department…you get upset every time you go there. Anyway, I think people should be able to wear whatever the hell they want even if they look ridiculous. Oh wait, they can…

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Roger Incredipete, a quality bit of writing, echoing everything I have ever felt about clothing. Check out the Kelis video, her dress is so short you can see her vest, and her ‘homies’ pants crotches are so low you can’t see under them. To what end, I might ask.

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Fatty Patty (Edited) You don’t know what you are talking about, I look HOT in my tube top. (Remainder of comment deleted for being unbearably gross.)

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Andrea” Incredipete I must say your best work yet. I couldn’t agree more. It’s amazing we actually agree on something…Who Knew!

Comments are closed.