I’m Surrounded by Asshats!

And now for something entirely different.

Why is the world filled with people who could only be described as asshats? I’ve pondered this question for many years, and have found little to explain it.

Let me give you, for instance, Michael Newdow, the fruitcake that has devoted his life to changing the pledge of allegiance. Let’s completely ignore for the moment that the United States was actually founded in very large part, if not completely, because of a desire to have religious freedom. (i.e. living somewhere that the government doesn’t take my tax money and use it to fund a different religion) Like it or not, that’s where this country came from, and to get right down to brass tacks, 45% of Americans believe that God created the Earth 10,000 years ago (Source: Gallup), 79% of Americans believe in God, and 66% of Americans are completely sure there is a God (Source: Harris Interactive). Majority rules here, asshat.

Another asshat… Ted Kennedy. First of all, the man is a Kennedy, which immediately makes him a suspect in my mind. The man has roughly the equivelent in assets as the United Arab Emirates, but has the unmitigated gall to talk about how we middle class houligans should do more to help the poor. Add to that the fact that he drowned his date in the Hudson and fled the scene, and you’ve got a royal asshat.

Charlie Sheen is an asshat. Charlie likes to spout his liberal fascist propoganda, but has no actual connection to the real world in which the rest of us prefer to live. His arguments lack logic, and lack substance. His rants are based on nothing, and still he spouts off. He’s almost as much of an asshat as…

Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is an asshat, first of all because he has a terrible case of SMS (Small Man Syndrome). This causes men to pump iron and be a butt-wipe know-it-all. Tom adds to his case of SMS with a case of the dumbass (Scientology). Yes, L. Ron Hubbard, a wacked out dead drug addict, is the source of his learning. Not college. Oh no. College would just teach him things that are practical and that might make the world a better place. We wouldn’t want that.

Al Sharpton is an asshat. So is Farakahn. So are all the members of the Black Caucasian… or whatever they call that group of politicians. They’re asshats because they, unlike the rest of the universe, think that the Civil War is still going on today. They’re asshats because they pull the race card faster than an L.A. cop can pull out his billy club. They’re asshats because they perpetuate racism with their ignorant dumbassery.

Bill Maher is an asshat. Not because his show isn’t hillarious. Not because his show is overtly liberal tripe. He’s an asshat for thinking that all of the world’s problems can be solved by exterminating the conservatives and “red states.” His show used to be entertaining, when some of his guests represented each side of the debate. It’s just not nearly as fun to watch a show that’s presenting stupid arguments with no one to present the other side. At least on the No Spin Zone, O’Reilly has guests on that disagree with him. Come on Maher… throw us a bone here.

Hillary Clinton is an asshat. She suddenly winds up the first lady, puts up with Bill’s shenanigans, and then abandons her home state for one that is more likely to give her a presidential run. Way to remember your roots, feminazi.

George Bush is an asshat. Not because he hates black people, because I don’t buy that argument. Not because he’s tough on crime and terrorism, and not because he believes in putting responsibility back into the American people’s hands. W is an asshat because he doesn’t understand the world stage. The president has to understand how decisions make ripples throughout the world. The (completely wussy) Europeans now hate America as a result of his Iraq War. Sending more troops to the middle east will only increase terrorism, and W should know that. Clinton understood that China was a huge economic factor in the future, and even though he walked Tiannemen Square like an asshat, he opened up trade which lowered prices on many products we all use, and gave American businesses and ungodly humongous new market. Bush’s only contributions to the economy were when he bought jewelry for Laura.

PDiddy is a major asshat. Not only is he the most successful talentless hack that ever graced the planet, he’s also totally full of himself. Vote or die? Are you kidding me? How about “Vote or deal with the results”? Wouldn’t that make a bit more sense. Does the government have hit squads to kill non-voters? Frankly, I’m very very very happy that PDiddy’s fanbase doesn’t vote. Can you imagine? And of course, he takes perfectly good songs that other artists have written, and makes them crappy, and then they get 10 million hours of playtime because everyone remembers liking the original, and he makes another jillion dollars. Stop buying his music, you asshats!

P

  13 comments for “I’m Surrounded by Asshats!

  1. September 16, 2005 at 1:27 pm

    Oh, Incredipete… This is an awesome and funny entry. Even though we disagree almost entirely politically, I agree with everything in this entry. And, even though I’m not a Dittohead (much to my Rush-loving Dad’s dismay), I love the term feminazi (and hate the real feminazis).

  2. MyraMains
    September 16, 2005 at 1:30 pm

    Amen! You show those asshats who’s boss, Incredipete! I read, I laughed, and I wholeheartedly agree.

  3. September 16, 2005 at 1:40 pm

    *bows down to the Incredipete* I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

  4. September 16, 2005 at 2:10 pm

    Ahhhh the hats full of ass entry…. Is there anything better?

  5. September 16, 2005 at 3:27 pm

    Since you have calle dout all of the Asshats, does this make you the Mad Asshatter, at the all asshat tea party?

    GW and Puppet Master Chaney, could play Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, Hillary of course is the white rabbit, and with his smile Al Sharpton is the Chesire cat.

    I on the other hand do not believe in fairy tails so I’m going hunting.

  6. September 16, 2005 at 3:57 pm

    I think you meant Martin Sheen is the asshat. Charlie Sheen is the one who slept with all the whores…… he get’s the ass and his dad put’s a hat on it……. yeah.

  7. Rik
    September 16, 2005 at 4:13 pm

    You forgot Michael Moore. The “omit the facts to make it sensational” documentarist. No, you’re right, he’s not an asshat, he’s in a class by himself. Douche. I hate you Michael Moore. I want to spoon feed you until you explode and i have to wash your inards off of me. P.S. – Dubya’s cool.

  8. Rik
    September 16, 2005 at 4:13 pm

    I voted for him 3 times. 😉

  9. September 16, 2005 at 5:04 pm

    Anybody who doesn’t read or comment at my site is an asshat. ~giggle~

  10. September 17, 2005 at 11:06 am

    Amen Incredipetey! Especially about Tom Cruise. Deluxe asshat!

  11. September 17, 2005 at 1:56 pm

    You don’t know the history of asshatery, Incredipete. Tom Cruise does!!!!

  12. September 17, 2005 at 6:20 pm

    clever post. wow.

  13. September 19, 2005 at 10:54 am

    Chinese trade deficit. Yea, We’re doing great.

Comments are closed.