If You’re Gonna Get Fat, Eat Food!

So, I’m starting to see some results from my daily trips to the gym. I hurt all over, but I’m starting to lose some unwanted inches around the middle. The really interesting thing is that so far I haven’t lost one ounce of weight. Personally, I think that’s a little odd. But my trainer told me it’s normal when you go from being a “complete wuss” to starting an exercise routine, because when you start you have “no muscle at all.” Well, that description definitely fit me, so I couldn’t argue with the logic. I also noticed yesterday while I was pumping iron in front of the mirror, that I actually have some definition beginning to show in my arms. Wow! I love results I can see. I can feel my brain cells shrinking with every passing day.

What I hate is the guys that obviously spend 8 hours a day in the gym. I’m standing there curling 25 pounds, and they’re using the 100 pound dumbells. They look over at my “pathetic” 25 pounds and smirk. I know they’re thinking “look at that wuss, he’ll never amount to anything.” Fortunately, the proportion of brain to braun is a constant function, and I know that I could beat them in a battle of wits. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling wimpy.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that I sweat about 10 times more than anyone else on the treadmills. I don’t understand that at all. Some of these people are 300 pounds, and they just chug along like it’s no big deal. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have no hair to soak it up, but still… And don’t get me started on the people that set the treadmill to 15 MPH. Show offs. I know they just do it to make me feel bad about myself. It couldn’t be that they are just in way better shape.

One thing I refuse to do is go with a low carb diet. Come on people… if you cut out ANY food group completely, you’ll lose weight, at least at first. How can a diet be good for you that involves eating big slabs of fat? Do you somehow think that eating FAT will make you THIN? Hello! I agree with Dave Barry… I always thought it was “Calories” that made you fat, not carbs. I realize that some people have lost weight on Atkins, but can you imagine how clogged their arteries must be from all that fat and cholesterol? EEK! Try eating a balanced, healthy diet, and JUST EAT LESS! And, the food you sneak when no one’s around still counts… I know that sucks. I wish I could eat a half gallon of ice cream every day after work, but unfortunately, if I did that, I would get fat. If you have carbs in your diet, it doesn’t mean you have to eat a loaf of bread 3 times a day. Have a sandwich. Just one… go ahead. You owe it to yourself. As “Lynne” always says, “If you’re gonna get fat, EAT FOOD!”

What it comes down to is that the only way you can really be healthy is to eat a balanced diet, which includes ALL of the food groups, and do some cardio every day. That’s it. It’s a very simple solution, which people have been using for thousands of years. Yes, it sucks to have to exercise and eat with self control. I know… It really does suck. You might get thin with some fad diet, but chances are, you won’t be healthy.

I leave you with this thought. “Here’s to you, and here’s to me. Best friends we’ll always be. But if we ever disagree, screw you, here’s to me.”

  4 comments for “If You’re Gonna Get Fat, Eat Food!

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete “Lynne,” I have to talk about you on my website “thingy” because you are such an integral part of my life. Besides, you are so unbelievably quotable. For instance “DRIVE YOUR F#$KING LEXUS!!!” Almost everything you say is worthy of repeating for the masses. And by the way, I eat bananas all day, every day. So if by “All” fruits and vegetables, you mean “Almost all,” they yes, you are correct. Besides, I never said I Personally had a balanced diet. I just said I work out regularly.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” Quit talking about me on your blog. People keep calling me saying, “Lynne, Incredipete is talking about you on his little website thingy.” I am amazed at their uncanny ability to figure out that “Lynne” means Lynne. BTW You? Eat a balanced diet? If by “balanced” you mean “exclude all fruits and vegetables” then yes, you eat a very balanced diet. See you at McDonald’s.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Oh yeah, the reason “Lynne” always said that is because I would drink 120 cases of Mountain Dew a day, and because of that, I was never hungry. She thought that it was a waste of calories, but I was a hardcore addict, and I had to go through a methadone treatment to get unhooked. If you’re going to do something, you may as well go all out. Looking forward to McDonalds!

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Andrea” You forgot to mention the 120 cases of Mountain Dew that you used to drink a day which is what sparked “Lynne’s” comment. By the way, see at McDonald’s for lunch.

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