I have the Spam Solution

I thought about calling it the “Final Solution” but apparently that name was already used before.

Yes, I have decided that we need a proactive solution to the Spam problem.

First… we form a joint coalition of the United States Government and America Online. This will give us a grossly inefficient, bureaucratic bunch of crapmongers who have a standing army and whose only core comIncredipetence would be sending bills and doing collections.

Second, route all email through a single secure data center, which would tally the number of emails coming from each IP address.

Third… charge “Email Postage” on each and every email sent by anyone on Earth. I propose 5 cents per email. Not so much that it will affect people that use email judiciously, but enough to bust any company trying to send out mass emailings, and enough to bust people that send forwards all day.

Have either AOL or the IRS send the bills on a monthly basis, and the IRS and the Army will be in charge of collections.

Sure, people will complain at first that they were billed 40,000$ because a spammer used their open port on their computer to send spam… but that will teach them that if they aren’t going to keep their computer secure, there will be penalties.

This new email bill will cost me about 9$ per month… which I would GLADLY pay to get rid of Spam and forwards.

It will save honest companies millions every year, and it will cost abusers millions (or jailtime).

Freedom of speech doesn’t mean it has to be “Free” to do it.


  7 comments for “I have the Spam Solution

  1. Lynne
    December 13, 2005 at 5:14 pm

    If you forward this blog entry to 9 people, Applebees will send you a $50 gift card.

  2. December 13, 2005 at 5:39 pm

    And if you forward it to 29 people, you’ll have good luck for a year.


  3. December 13, 2005 at 5:40 pm

    And if you contact them with all of your personal banking information, they’ll deposit 15 million in your account for being a nice guy.

  4. Rik
    December 13, 2005 at 5:58 pm

    And the Army and the IRS will charge you $9.
    Incredipete, what’s your email address again?

  5. December 14, 2005 at 8:57 am

    Incredipete, what say you gun for the turd responsible for %$#&in’ spyware as a priority, mmm? I thing that person or persons should be repeatedly raped by an angry ape. Anyway.

  6. December 14, 2005 at 12:59 pm

    I can’t afford 5 cents an email. I send out close to 50-100 emails a day, none of them spam. So I think that is a stupid idea.


    And what would we do with the money generated by this? hookers and cocain? I’m all for it. Roads and schools? NO!

  7. December 14, 2005 at 3:41 pm

    I think we should use it to pay for Al Gore’s next campaign, since he invented the Internet.

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