Here’s Your Bad Advice!

Before you read today’s post, go check out the official Jenna & Incredipete wedding website at

Question 1: Why do we pay farmers not to grow stuff.

Answer: Well, I’m not sure exactly how I can give you personal advice about why we pay farmers not to grow stuff, since you’re not a farmer nor are you a government official. I would suggest boycotting all farm products, like fruit, vegetable, and grain. That’ll show’em.

Question 2: Design an exercise program with me (Warcrygirl) in mind.

Answer: First of all, if you’re going to start an exercise program, it’s important to remember that your calorie intake needs are going to change drastically. You will need to eat. Constantly. I suggest foods that give you energy, like Nestle Crunch bars and chocolate cake. Avoid dairy foods like milk and ice cream as they will make you barf if you eat them then work out. You should also avoid protein, like chicken, meat, eggs, etc. You aren’t trying to look like a bodybuilder… you want to look like a chick. Protein will make you have bulging biceps.

Exercise should include low-impact activities like cooking and blogging. High-impact exercise like jogging, running, etc. cause damage to your joints and also make you sweat. Sweat is your body’s way of telling you you’re working too hard.

Question 3: How might I (Loopy) go about getting a job that doesn’t suck.

Answer: First of all, whatever you do… don’t waste your time and money on college. A college degree is not important to finding a job that pays well. All that really matters is your ability to effectively pad your resume’. Lies on a resume’ should be as bold as they are ridiculous. Small lies on a resume’ combine to look suspicious, while bold and ridiculous lies on a resume’ are so outrageous no one would ever suspect that you were trying to pull one over on them. Some people might claim to have attended a prestigous school. You should try claiming that Harvard gave you an honorary doctorate based on your high school work, but that you told them to shove it. Work experience need not be relevant. For example, one of your accomplishments could be “Found cure for Polio at the age of 7.” Nobody really remembers who invented the first Polio vaccine. All we know is that we don’t get Polio anymore.

Finally, once you have an interview, you should act like you have better things you could be doing. For example, start out by saying “I’m really just using this as a practice interview… I have an interview for an advisory position with the NSA tomorrow.” That way it’s unverifiable and they’ll be impressed that an agency of government assasins wants you as an advisor.

Question 4: How can I (Nightmare) get a tighter shot pattern with factory loads?

Answer: It’s so simple I can’t believe I have to even give an answer. The best way to get a tighter shot pattern with factory loads is to stand closer to the target.

Question 5: How can I (Mental) justify surfing the net on my timecard?

Answer: In this day and age, it’s rarely necessary to justify time on the net considering it’s woven into the fabric of our society. Still, if you work for an old person, you might have to justify it. For example, you could tell them that you’re using the Internet to look for a better job. You could just tell them it’s none of their business and claim that you have a Constitutional right to privacy.

Question 6: Could you show me (Albannach) a way to travel from Philadelphia to Kansas City where any airline involved does not extort me?

Answer: I suggest hijacking a plane. This has many benefits. First, you can sit in first class. That’s worth the trouble, trust me. And the most important benefit is, statistically speaking, if you hijack the plane, you reduce your risk of being hurt by a terrorist. What are the odds TWO people try to hijack the same plane?

Carefully planned, you might pull off a hijacking without the airline even noticing. Air traffic control uses computers designed in the 1920’s with roughly the same computing power as a Bic pen. It wouldn’t be difficult to send the tower a fake signal, I’m guessing.

If hijacking’s not your thing, I suggest a dine and dash approach. Hire a charter jet and fly directly to Olathe, KS. When the plane arrives, have a getaway car waiting for you and take off without paying. It’s a flawless plan. The only kink is that each charter company would only be good for one flight. Unless they are using the same technology as the air traffic controllers.

  1 comment for “Here’s Your Bad Advice!

  1. August 20, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    I will get right to work on my resume!

    PS – the wedding site looks great, and I think your best advice was to Nightmare.

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