Football for Dummies (Women)

Football has become the true American pastime, and it’s very important that everyone understand the rules of the game. Without an understanding, you have no chance at a social life. I’m just saying…

Football is a very simple sport to understand. You start with what is called a “ball” which is not really a ball, because it’s shaped like a… well, I don’t really know what it’s shaped like. It’s not round, that’s for sure. It looks like a ball that Rush Limbaugh used for a cushion and was then poorly sewn back together.

Quarterback: He’s like a back, but only 25% as effective.

Running back: What happens when someone “intercepts” the ball.

Halfback: Like 2 quarterbacks.

Fullback: Like 4 quarterbacks.

Tight end: The only reason that the ladies watch football.

Nose tackle: When a man is grabbed by his face and pulled to the ground.

Receiver: The listening device used by the “coach” to hear the other teams’ plans.

Offensive lineman: Stadium electrician that cusses while he works.

Punt: To give up.

Field goal: What happens when the “quarterback” doesn’t have enough talent to get a “first down.”

Free safety: When the team medical staff gives out free condoms to all of the players.

Cheerleader: Half-naked women that attempt to distract the crowd when the team is losing or make a fantastically stupid play.

Interception: When the quarterback of one team completes a pass to the opposing team.

Sack: What the Chiefs do to Peyton Manning.

Tackle: A technique used by some teams in which the player running with the ball is dragged to the ground. Some teams prefer to make a wild leap just behind the runner, in an attempt to look like they would like to make a tackle.

Pass: What the players do to the cheerleaders.

Huddle: What the crowd does when it is sleeting and 4 degrees below 0.

Peyton Manning: A loudmouthed idiot that has a job because of nepotism.

Holding: When one player grabs another player in an inappropriate manner and tries to get their phone number.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: When the player refuses to give out their phone number, takes off their clothes on the field, takes a hot air balloon ride from the endzone to celebrate their touchdown, punches out another player or the referee, signs autographs during a play, picks their nose and wipes it on another player, urinates on the referee, shoots an opposing player, etc.

Fumble: What Peyton Manning does when he gets “sacked.”

Coach: Man that yells through his headset and is ignored by the quarterback. Also the man that ignores common sense and the crowd, all of which would tell him it’s not a good idea to run up the middle on 3rd and 10.

Tailgate: Where fans get drunk so they can enjoy the game even when their team gets spanked.

Referee: Man wearing prison garb that ignores all infractions by the opposing team, while nitpicking the bejeezus out of our team.

Touchdown: What happens when Priest Holmes gets the ball.

And, the team with the most points at the end of 60 minutes wins. Simple really.

I hope this clears it up for those of you that somehow managed to miss out on the fundamentals of being an American (i.e. “women”). Thanks for tuning in.

  51 comments for “Football for Dummies (Women)

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Roger I haven’t been past much lately, but as a Brit I thank you for letting me know exactly how that fantastic game is played. I shall print this page out so I can show my friends (ok, friend!) when they call round. Thanks Incredipete.

  2. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Yeah, Peyton Manning is very cute. He was in the last “style” issue of “Men’s Health” (don’t ask) and looked soooo good.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Peyton Manning is cute. Oh–and so is allie– yay girl crush.

  4. The
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: The Pimpin’ Funkmaster Well, I came out here today and noticed you are talking about our man in Indy, Peyton Manning. I think there’s some jealousy still, after we took it to the Chiefs last January. Have the Chiefs ever beat the Colts? Or will they ever??? Until the Chiefs get a defense, they will never beat the Colts. San Diego looks like the only sure wins right now.

  5. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf i am ready to admit my full on girl crush on jackie right now.

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie–the dummy Football on tv is one of the most boring and depressing things in the whole world. I do however understand it.

  7. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT p.s. Does your vet look anything like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Cause she was smokin hot in that lame @$$ movie.

  8. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Hmmm SneakyIncredipete has a thing for his pet’s vet… Sounds suspiciously similar to the plot for a semi-humorous serial cartoon, or a really lousy Summer movie. All you need now is to go out and find yourself a ginormous orange tabby with a penchant for lasagne.

  9. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg In taking Sassy’s advice whole heartedly, let me give you the phone numbers of my closest friends, I’m sure they have lots of great stuff to say about me. 😉

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: your incredibly adorable little sister i have no choice but to enjoy football, living in this family. it’s okay, though…i like watching football. And, Incredipeter. I don’t like you dating people. It’s weird. Especially if you end up like “laura”

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl You be sure to let us know how she likes her thank you note. Jr sent one to all of the kids who came to his 5th bday party and one little girl (a cute little blonde) sent him a thank you note for his thank you note, complete with her phone number! I’m telling you, it’s the way to go.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental I think the note to the vet should say, “Just wanted you to know that since Abby likes to hump your leg, I thought I should give it a try”.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: sassykk Incredipete- are we a tad bit bitter about my Panthers spanking you on Sunday? Sorry, remember, I did send an apology note in your last comments area. With that said Meg and warcygirl have so got your back on the hook up with Vet-alicious girl. Allow them to work the all too powerful “I highly Reccomend him” magic that we women posess. I swear, two of my friends are trying to hook me up with this guy they know and I’m about ready to marry him and I’ve never set eyes on him…it WORKS!! I’m not about to sing the praises of a shity OBGYN to my sistas’ and the same goes for highly dateable men…it’s a sacred thing between women.

  14. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Just give me her address. I’ll have it to her in less than two days. *rolls eyes* Men.

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete “Thanks for doing your job, may I grope you now?”

  16. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg I totally agree. (Even though I’m completely green.) A thank you note with a “I really owe you” for being so patient may be just the ticket, and the perfect segue for dinner.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl Why don’t you send her a thank you note “from” Abby, thanking her for the great treatment on her last visit? Believe me, there’s nothing like standing out in someone’s mind than by sending a thank you note. It’s a dying art form.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Bigpimpinmba You can all look for the balding, Bigpimp jackass tonight on my network debut. It will be on ABC at 9:00. I’m in a part of the Monday Night Football tellecast called sweepingupperdeckshot. I’m very excited about it.

  19. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Just as her for well, Incredipete’s sake! What’s the worst that can happen? She’ll either think that you’ve poisoned Abby this whole time just to see her, and that you’re a freak. (Which, I know you would never do) Or she’ll love you like the rest of us, and we’ll never see you again.

  20. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf gimme her number. i will totally call her and sing your praises, and then you can ask her. i’m totally serious about this …. i need you to not watch so much football.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete MAF, you’re so sweet. I need help with that, because I’m too chicken to ask out the girl at the vet…

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Teets I know not of this ballfoot thing you speak of.

  23. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf we gotta get Incredipete a date.

  24. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg 20-30 hours a week?!? Holy cow!

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I don’t give a crap about college football. It’s a good thing, too. It already consumes about 20-30 hours a week just watching pro. Imagine if I was trying to keep up with NCAA, too. Geez.

  26. Wen
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wen One of my best friends is a guy who is such a rabid football fan that you never see him on weekends (though if the wind is right you can hear him yelling from 10 miles away) and is in TWO fantasy football leagues.

  27. Wen
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wen Hello! I live in Los Angeles. What is this thing you call football?

  28. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg That’s it, I’m moving to a place where everyone knows football, eats good food, and drinks lots of beer. Then, I’ll sit in the stands, cheer when my neighbor does, and save my self the pain of actually trying to figure out what in the hell is happening on the field.

  29. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Petunia Green Bay is by far the best NFL city to live in…..Ok Ok, so I’m biased. But really, where else do you mix cheese, beer, brats, and all by 8:00am on gameday?

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Green Bay rocks!

  31. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 HRT, I was first in your entry and didn’t say diddlysquat. Does that make me as cool as you? I hope so. ;). Hey Incredipete, I was a cheerleader in high school (captain, thanks very much), and we had to go to football school to learn the rules. Since then, I have been a huge fan. Your descriptions were cute and all, but wrongola on many counts! But you knew that didntcha. Hubs is in 2 fantasy leagues and this is prime time for him. I think he has Priest again this year too. He was bitchin this morning though cuz many of his starters are hurt.

  32. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg You’d think that being from small town Texas, I’d know football. But no such luck. All my brothers were too skinny to play, and I was too smart to date the football jocks. They just bored me to pieces.

  33. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy The Deadskins suck! I’m just sayin’..

  34. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Petunia I think I will have to refer a couple of friends to your entry so they can brush up on their info. Although, fortunately – I live in Green Bay, and either you know football……or you move.

  35. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete HRT… the redskins? The last time they won anything was the French and Indian war… but I digress…

  36. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf nope, Incredipetey was stern in his instructions and momma likey!

  37. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT That rooting order should read:

  38. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf i like it when you’re sorta stern there Incredipetey. i love the chiefs, green bay -and anybody except indianapolis.

  39. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Pretty informative. One you forgot though: Halftime: This is the few minutes between halves when the sports commentators talk about all of the other games that are going on. More specififcally, it is when you get to see the score of the Kansas City Chiefs game because you for damned sure ain’t gonna see it televised. TV coverage is for the “good” teams.

  40. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete You will root for the Chiefs, Green Bay, and whoever is playing against Indianapolis. (In that order) Other than that, I don’t care what you do.

  41. MAF
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: MAF again with the clicking and squeaking … i’ll just root the team of the majority of the people in the room!

  42. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Thanks Incredipete. At least now I know why the stinkin’ yellow line is there to begin with.

  43. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Basically, you get 4 tries to get 10 yards. If you get the 10 yards, you get to start over on your tries, called “downs.” Therefore, everytime you cross that yellow line, you get to start over with a 1st down.

  44. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Hey, thanks HRT! Looks like between you and Incredipete, you’ve pretty much given me absolutely nothing. (What’s a 1st down? Told you guys I knew nothing about this!)

  45. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT a)the yellow line is a computer graphic that helps the slow kids in the class figure out how far the team needs to go to get a 1st down.

  46. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl LMAO! Loved it, but I still get a touch back and a safety mixed up. Hubby has explained it to me a zillion times and I just don’t retain it.

  47. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea HRT you are too cool… Incredipete, I’m going to hibernate with Dusty until football season’s over.

  48. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg You’d better be glad I love you, and that I needed a laugh, because you are no help! Explain to me one thing: when one watches this “sport” on TV, there’s a yellow line on the field that appears and dissappears. What’s that?

  49. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT You notice when the really cool people are the first ones to comment, they don’t mention it? I just thought I’d mention that, since I’m specifically NOT mentioning that I WAS THE FIRST TO COMMENT ON THIS POST I think it is in poor taste when people make a big deal about BEING THE FIRST TO POST HERE. Fortunately I’m not one of those people. Make sure you make a note of that.

  50. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …or was that just supposed to be gridiron green?

  51. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT All I can say is:

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