Football has become the true American pastime, and it’s very important that everyone understand the rules of the game. Without an understanding, you have no chance at a social life. Iâ€™m just sayingâ€¦
Football is a very simple sport to understand. You start with what is called a â€œballâ€ which is not really a ball, because itâ€™s shaped like aâ€¦ well, I donâ€™t really know what itâ€™s shaped like. Itâ€™s not round, thatâ€™s for sure. It looks like a ball that Rush Limbaugh used for a cushion and was then poorly sewn back together.
Quarterback: Heâ€™s like a back, but only 25% as effective.
Running back: What happens when someone â€œinterceptsâ€ the ball.
Halfback: Like 2 quarterbacks.
Fullback: Like 4 quarterbacks.
Tight end: The only reason that the ladies watch football.
Nose tackle: When a man is grabbed by his face and pulled to the ground.
Receiver: The listening device used by the â€œcoachâ€ to hear the other teamsâ€™ plans.
Offensive lineman: Stadium electrician that cusses while he works.
Punt: To give up.
Field goal: What happens when the â€œquarterbackâ€ doesnâ€™t have enough talent to get a â€œfirst down.â€
Free safety: When the team medical staff gives out free condoms to all of the players.
Cheerleader: Half-naked women that attempt to distract the crowd when the team is losing or make a fantastically stupid play.
Interception: When the quarterback of one team completes a pass to the opposing team.
Sack: What the Chiefs do to Peyton Manning.
Tackle: A technique used by some teams in which the player running with the ball is dragged to the ground. Some teams prefer to make a wild leap just behind the runner, in an attempt to look like they would like to make a tackle.
Pass: What the players do to the cheerleaders.
Huddle: What the crowd does when it is sleeting and 4 degrees below 0.
Peyton Manning: A loudmouthed idiot that has a job because of nepotism.
Holding: When one player grabs another player in an inappropriate manner and tries to get their phone number.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct: When the player refuses to give out their phone number, takes off their clothes on the field, takes a hot air balloon ride from the endzone to celebrate their touchdown, punches out another player or the referee, signs autographs during a play, picks their nose and wipes it on another player, urinates on the referee, shoots an opposing player, etc.
Fumble: What Peyton Manning does when he gets â€œsacked.â€
Coach: Man that yells through his headset and is ignored by the quarterback. Also the man that ignores common sense and the crowd, all of which would tell him itâ€™s not a good idea to run up the middle on 3rd and 10.
Tailgate: Where fans get drunk so they can enjoy the game even when their team gets spanked.
Referee: Man wearing prison garb that ignores all infractions by the opposing team, while nitpicking the bejeezus out of our team.
Touchdown: What happens when Priest Holmes gets the ball.
And, the team with the most points at the end of 60 minutes wins. Simple really.
I hope this clears it up for those of you that somehow managed to miss out on the fundamentals of being an American (i.e. â€œwomenâ€). Thanks for tuning in.