That’s right, it’s time once again for your daily dose of Incredipete. I’ve been thinking about election reform, because we have such an important one coming up in November. (If by “important” you mean “whatever we choose, it’s gonna suck.”)
So here’s my belligerent comment to get things started: Who the heck cares who the freakin president is, anyways?Yes, I realize he’s regarded as the most powerful man in the world, but then, you look at George Worchestershire Bush, Jr. III, esq., and you realize… if this man were really in charge of anything, the world economy would have collapsed and the whole post-nuclear world would be run by rogue spinoffs of the country formerly known as the USSR. (Now known as, “that place that keeps dividing like cancerous cells and creating little countries with names no one can remember.”)
A certain peace begins to set in when you realize that the President of the United States actually has less power than the guy that cleans the toilets where you work, because at least his job makes the world a better place. No one wants to be the janitor… many many people want to be President. And ANYONE can be the Pres… but it takes a special soul to be a janitor. If the janitor wants to create chaos, all he has to do is replace all of the toilet paper with, say… woodchucks. The country would fall apart within minutes.
So that being said, if the Pres is really so unimportant, then why not have fun with the election process. Here is my 4 step plan to creating an entertaining and effective election process:
1. Raise tuition at the “Electoral College” (whatever the heck that is)(Yes, of course I’m being sarcastic…do you think I’m stupid?!) until the idiots that go there can no longer afford to attend. Then switch the country over to a “Democratic” system where everyone’s vote counts. I know this will cause problems at first. It will be hard for a New Yorker to acknowledge that someone from Iowa has as much pull as he does, but I think in time, the system could work.
2. Declare Florida to be a sovereign state, and let them sort it out. I imagine it will end up some kind of Cuban Nursing Home for Drug Dealers and their Exotic Pets. Who cares, as long as all of the really incredibly stupid people and weird critters continue to flock there. Maybe we need a big electified fence… hmmm.
3. Run only celebrities in elections. There will be an equal amount of handsome men, and hottie women. The candidate with the best body wins. (I’m just predicting what the American public will choose… I suppose it could surprise me and, say…Sandra Bernhardt could win, but that would only be if we don’t kick Florida out of the club.)
4. Change the names of the political parties: Democrats will now be called “Socialist swine bastards that want to kill the economy by taking money away from hard working Americans and giving it to people to stupid or too lazy to get a job.” Republicans will be called “Brilliant businessmen that keep everything that they earn for themselves as it should be, because why should we give it to a bunch of stupid lazy people that don’t work and didn’t earn it.”
I realize that those political party names are a bit wordy, but it definitely clears things up a bit. Democrat sounds too close to “Democracy” which is a good thing. It’s too misleading to be continued.
So there you have it… the perfect system of electing a president. I hope that by 2008 we’ll be ready to implement my plan.