Elections the Democratic Way

That’s right, it’s time once again for your daily dose of Incredipete. I’ve been thinking about election reform, because we have such an important one coming up in November. (If by “important” you mean “whatever we choose, it’s gonna suck.”)

So here’s my belligerent comment to get things started: Who the heck cares who the freakin president is, anyways?Yes, I realize he’s regarded as the most powerful man in the world, but then, you look at George Worchestershire Bush, Jr. III, esq., and you realize… if this man were really in charge of anything, the world economy would have collapsed and the whole post-nuclear world would be run by rogue spinoffs of the country formerly known as the USSR. (Now known as, “that place that keeps dividing like cancerous cells and creating little countries with names no one can remember.”)

A certain peace begins to set in when you realize that the President of the United States actually has less power than the guy that cleans the toilets where you work, because at least his job makes the world a better place. No one wants to be the janitor… many many people want to be President. And ANYONE can be the Pres… but it takes a special soul to be a janitor. If the janitor wants to create chaos, all he has to do is replace all of the toilet paper with, say… woodchucks. The country would fall apart within minutes.

So that being said, if the Pres is really so unimportant, then why not have fun with the election process. Here is my 4 step plan to creating an entertaining and effective election process:

1. Raise tuition at the “Electoral College” (whatever the heck that is)(Yes, of course I’m being sarcastic…do you think I’m stupid?!) until the idiots that go there can no longer afford to attend. Then switch the country over to a “Democratic” system where everyone’s vote counts. I know this will cause problems at first. It will be hard for a New Yorker to acknowledge that someone from Iowa has as much pull as he does, but I think in time, the system could work.

2. Declare Florida to be a sovereign state, and let them sort it out. I imagine it will end up some kind of Cuban Nursing Home for Drug Dealers and their Exotic Pets. Who cares, as long as all of the really incredibly stupid people and weird critters continue to flock there. Maybe we need a big electified fence… hmmm.

3. Run only celebrities in elections. There will be an equal amount of handsome men, and hottie women. The candidate with the best body wins. (I’m just predicting what the American public will choose… I suppose it could surprise me and, say…Sandra Bernhardt could win, but that would only be if we don’t kick Florida out of the club.)

4. Change the names of the political parties: Democrats will now be called “Socialist swine bastards that want to kill the economy by taking money away from hard working Americans and giving it to people to stupid or too lazy to get a job.” Republicans will be called “Brilliant businessmen that keep everything that they earn for themselves as it should be, because why should we give it to a bunch of stupid lazy people that don’t work and didn’t earn it.”

I realize that those political party names are a bit wordy, but it definitely clears things up a bit. Democrat sounds too close to “Democracy” which is a good thing. It’s too misleading to be continued.

So there you have it… the perfect system of electing a president. I hope that by 2008 we’ll be ready to implement my plan.

  30 comments for “Elections the Democratic Way

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Brian “… Give a little bit… Give a little bit of your life to me…”

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Number one, HRT had better be joking. I don’t need do Jabba the Hut images in my head.

  3. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT hey when you’re 4’9, weigh 785 pounds and have the personal hygene of a crack addict with a speech impediment you gotta do something to compensate.

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie HRT you crack me up.

  5. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …because my dear Incredipetey participates in the dialogue. You gotta give a little to get a little Wendyfonic.

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Okay, why does Incredipete have more comments than I do? Life is not fair. Not fair I say!

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Promote away, HRT. Great entry. I have to agree with you. I will admit to being completely biased…

  8. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Oh, and some kid wrote this too.

  9. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT And animated candidates are not without president. Check this out.

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I think that’s a fantastic idea. Who else lives in a pineapple under the sea? NO ONE! I think we should all join with Meesha and vote Spongebob 2004.

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Michelle I’m putting Spongebob Squarepants in as a write-in. No, seriously I am.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea btw – everyone should read Dusty’s work in AI, very good stuff. You know, him … life size. Although, I don’t believe mental drippings is going to come to an end, I think it will stick around, … ugh, I forget what I just read this morning. I’ll get back to you.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Honestly doll, I liked the bit on Florida. Where else are the hip old-ass coke fiends with far too much denero and style going to spread their wings. Well done.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I just read that Dusty is pulling the plug on Mental Drippings. Very sad day for Diaryland, indeed. But you can still check him out on Atlanta Illustrated.

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy I vote! I like the neat little sticker they give you to wear.

  16. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT If Eclecticism wore combat boots… my psyche would be the Red army.

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: chadly The Cuban Nursing Home comment very well may be the reason I lose my job this morning. Thanks for the laugh!

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy I will be the judge of the last 32 entries thank you very much. I am only speaking from recent experience. As you know, I am a new kid on the block. It is true,I do need to work on the survey thing. You will be the first to know when I get it done. Hey, you might just get to be the first one to complete it. That will be two firsts in a row. Oh, the prestige.

  19. S.
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: S. Redhead again And I’m an insomniac too.

  20. S.
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: S. Redhead Incredipete, in my comments, after you asked about Wilber, owner of the teets, there was a comment from a “wilber”. That wasn’t me. It was my friend, Dan. I don’t know if he was claiming my teets, or just wanted to say itchy ***** sphincter, but your next comment seemed like you thought it was me. hehe. So in the interest of clarification, I wanted to let you know, it wasn’t. This comment will make no sense to anyone here but me and you. Funny!!

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete “Brilliant” raves the New York Times.

  22. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: jamey Dearest Incredipetey: Your website is almost as insightful as The Daily Show and John Stewart. Yes GWB is a no-good moron. What is happening is that many of the swing voters and angry republicans are waiting OH and Democrats are waiting till election time to ambush Bush (no pun intended) with their disgust with his personal agenda. He obviously is profiting from this oil and gas gouging and I could go on and on. The country educates it’s little people and then we are supposed to be stupid and not pick-up on all of the clues, inconsistencies, patterns of behaviors that are illicit to an elitist’s and their “friends” personal agendas….PPPPPPPPPPleazzzzzzzzzze! Yours In Thought, jamey

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Well, although I prefer to think of it as “32 in a row with one or two stinkers,” I will still say thanks for the compliment. I did notice your survey results… very interesting. I’m still waiting for you to create one of your own.

  24. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Don’t care whose idea it was, don’t care who signs the check, the props go to the boss man. Isn’t that how it always works?

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete As much as I would love to throw in with you guys about the 600$, I would like to remind you that in reality, it was congress (albeit a republican congress) that passed the “tax relief” not Mr. Worchestershire.

  26. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Call him butter because he is on a roll! It’s like gooddamn tic-tac-toe (three in a row) over here in the lair o’Incredipete. Good job.

  27. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT First of all.

  28. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete The big shout out of the day goes to Jackie for her vigilance and ambition. Your janitor must not be as benevolent as mine…

  29. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie And yes, it can happen, I was able to make it through my entire comment without shouting I’M FIRST I’M FIRST. I find it crass, so I waited until my second comment.

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie I actually laughed out loud when I read the new party names. One thing that I will say in defense of our fair pres…NO janitor ever mailed me a check for six hundred bucks.

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