Dew The Genocide

Did you know that Mountain Dew is manufactured with a secret recipe created by Hitler’s Nazi scientists during WWII? It’s true. Hitler wanted something he could pawn off on people as a tasty, refreshing treat, but would then sterilize and kill them. They included several chemicals, one of which was an early form of crack cocaine. It’s still included to this day. That’s why Mountain Dew drinkers that try to quit always end up going back to it. They added another chemical that kills men’s ‘swimmers’ so that they wouldn’t be able to reproduce. I realize that some websites call this an “Urban Legend” but hey, do you see me fathering any kids? Nope. And when was the last time I used some form of “protection?” How about “never.” Granted, it’s possible that my lack of children could be due to the fact that I hardly ever* “get some,” but who knows.

*Never, although not for lack of trying.

Another thing they did was in case the crack cocaine didn’t work, was they added 300% more sugar than any drink ever devised, so that people would develop a serious sugar addiction, and ultimately die from diabetes. It’s as brilliant as it is simple. Hitler is actually still alive today, working on new improvements to Mountain Dew so he can carry out his genocidal plans. He’s still mad about the whole “Getting his ass kicked soundly” during the war. And in a twist of irony, the Israeli people have a far stronger military than the Germans at this point.

That really makes him mad, because well, he’s a bigoted, slimy bastard. That’s why he has started releasing new, more malicious versions of Mountain Dew, like “Code Red” and that orange crap… and now, a black version. I’m pretty sure that each flavor is designed with a specific race in mind. The yellow stuff was obviously designed for balding Irish-German Americans, because I cannot seem to put down the bottle. If I quit drinking it, I get blinding migraines, stomach cramps, the runs, and my hands shake uncontrollably. Not to mention I get bad breath.

I wish I had the power to raid Pepsi’s world headquarters and arrest Hitler and his evil scientist cronies, but I just don’t have the clout. Besides, I don’t want to quit drinking the Dew until they come up with an antidote. Sometimes I dream about drinking Mountain Dew. Maybe they are adding mind-control nanoprobes to the newest batches of the Dew.

And just as a side note, what the heck is with the pee coloring? I don’t get it… The only thing that can explain people drinking something that looks like pee is that it has highly addictive properties.

That’s enough about my Dew problem. I should probably go join Mountain Dew Anonymous before it’s too late.

  31 comments for “Dew The Genocide

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Just sos you know. I like to be a lone squeeze thank you very much. But thanks for not grouping me with the hoes.

  2. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Ahhh, and now we know why Incredipetey is incredisingle.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I like to have a posse of “hoes” to go along with my main squeeze Wendy.

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Gracey If you beleive all that hog wash about the Dew you’re more mental than I thought. How do you come up with some of this stuff. Stop doing what your Rice Crispies tell you to do.

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Good point HRT. So did I….

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea HEY! http://meanmommy@diaryland.com, why can’t I get this to link properly? PS: HRT you said eloquent vernacular. Nice.

  7. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I thought Incredipete was Wenderific’s snuggle bunny. But I guess there’s room for more than one cyber-whore in this room. The more the merrier!

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mentalimages I’m so amazed at actually getting what i want that i have no words to speak. Actually i do, i just posted them on my comments page instead. Manipulation at it’s best. Thanks Incredipete.

  9. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf rock on .. Incredipetey got him a woman …. and now you and mental can see about that dew killing the swimmers theory…i crack me up

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Dang, I leave for 2 hours, and you all have a big ole’ conversation. Mental, I’m adding you to my page right now, even as we speak. I added you as a favorite, but I forgot to add your link on my page, since it requires some HTML editing. But I’m on it, because you are going to run away with me after you kill your boyfriend on your vacation.

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie There is nothing wrong with DAIRYLAND. It is hype and has Vitamin D.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 Unknown chick kaki321 checks out mentalimages too

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mentalimages I was wondering who ‘meanmommy’ was. Thea Thea, listen to me-a… When entering a comment dearie, put your webshizzle. I had to do the old search and find to see where you were. And i detest extra work. But thanks for checking me out. I love being checked out by unknown chicks.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 HRT, you are cracking me up today. Thanks for the internet and spelling lesson Of course, I drove through Wisconsin on my way to a client meeting last week and actually stopped at the Mars Cheese Castle. Not sure why that is relevant here, but it seemed to go with the DAIRYLAND theme.

  15. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT OH holy crap I can’t spell. http://www.thecompassionateconservative.net/“http://mentalimages.diaryland.com”

  16. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT MI is at mentalimages.diaryland.com not to be confused with

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea meanmommy updated. Sorry if it takes me a while to get to this, it is a nice venting spot. I feel better already. MENTAL: where do i find you?

  18. Wen
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wen It’s anonymous, but on Dland it’s annoying-mous.

  19. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental Okay…i’m over it. I forgive you you.

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental Holy hell Incredipete…i just realized that you have a list of favorites on your home page….AND MINE ISN’T LISTED. I am so raging pissed that i believe i may not speak to you for a good while.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mentalimages NOTICE TO ALL ASSHOLES WHO TRY TO BE FIRST: It don’t count if you didn’t read the entry first you big fat lazy cheaters. I’m not sure which was more scary about this entry…The fact that it was all about the ‘Dew, the fact that your theories on the ‘Dew seem accurate, or the fact that there is an actual MD annonomous. Wait..annoynomous? How do you spell that fucking word?

  22. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT ok, kaki, it’s easy. when Incredipete asks you:

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Personally, I don’t do the Dew. A few family members are big fans of the diet Mountain Dew though. What was most impressive to me about this entry was the use of big words such a linoleum. I got out on a spelling bee in school on that effing word!

  24. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 trying one more time. sorry all, I suck

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea ok, now I read your post. I have to say I’ve never been a Dew-Do’er, I much prefer Coke. Anything that can clean most of my car’s engine parts in seconds flat without so much as a wire brush has definately got to be flushing the linings of my intestines at an alarming rate. That’s what I call killing 2 birds with one can.

  26. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 trying this again to see if you get my boring diary when you click on my name

  27. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki321 Yes, I was one of the lurkers that sent your hit rate into orbit yesterday, but I didn’t comment since my age would definetely skew your mean reader age as I am the outlier old fart. Here is how old I am. I used to drink the Dew when it was only available in the long, skinny glass bottles. Think 80’s.

  28. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! 🙂

  29. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea dammit.

  30. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Ahh Haaaa! *snickers out loud* Me first.

  31. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf A. i’m first… yay me. b. i can’t GET enough of the dew .. that code red makes me hap hap happy! and 8. you can give abby regular benedryl ..one mg per pound … just one of the weird things i know

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