*Never, although not for lack of trying.
Another thing they did was in case the crack cocaine didn’t work, was they added 300% more sugar than any drink ever devised, so that people would develop a serious sugar addiction, and ultimately die from diabetes. It’s as brilliant as it is simple. Hitler is actually still alive today, working on new improvements to Mountain Dew so he can carry out his genocidal plans. He’s still mad about the whole “Getting his ass kicked soundly” during the war. And in a twist of irony, the Israeli people have a far stronger military than the Germans at this point.
That really makes him mad, because well, he’s a bigoted, slimy bastard. That’s why he has started releasing new, more malicious versions of Mountain Dew, like “Code Red” and that orange crap… and now, a black version. I’m pretty sure that each flavor is designed with a specific race in mind. The yellow stuff was obviously designed for balding Irish-German Americans, because I cannot seem to put down the bottle. If I quit drinking it, I get blinding migraines, stomach cramps, the runs, and my hands shake uncontrollably. Not to mention I get bad breath.
I wish I had the power to raid Pepsi’s world headquarters and arrest Hitler and his evil scientist cronies, but I just don’t have the clout. Besides, I don’t want to quit drinking the Dew until they come up with an antidote. Sometimes I dream about drinking Mountain Dew. Maybe they are adding mind-control nanoprobes to the newest batches of the Dew.
And just as a side note, what the heck is with the pee coloring? I don’t get it… The only thing that can explain people drinking something that looks like pee is that it has highly addictive properties.
That’s enough about my Dew problem. I should probably go join Mountain Dew Anonymous before it’s too late.