Combosports

Hello, Incredipete fans big and small. I have decided that today I will make a departure from the “serious” entries I’ve been doing all week. I was discussing sports with our bitterly sarcastic maintenance supervisor “Gene” and he and I came up with some interesting ideas for “Combosports®.”

By combining boring, everyday sports, you can come up with amazingly exciting, and with any luck, violent sports. Sports like boxing and football are violent, but in no way really reflect the level of destruction that a real sport, like “Gladiators” carries with it. Competitive sports were invented so that testosterone-infested men would have a way to work things out amongst themselves without resorting to murder and cannibalism.

My first proposal for a Combosport® is “SniperGolf®.” It’s almost as simple as it is brilliant. First, you take a regulation sized golfer (short, in every way) and put him on a nice golf course next to the ocean. Then, build a duck blind at the far end of the green. Professional snipers will occupy the duck blind, and will shoot the golf balls out of the air as they approach. The golfer and the sniper will get points based on “yardage” by assigning the number of yards achieved successfully by each party. For instance, if the ball travels 150 yards before being shot out of the air, and the distance from tee to the hole is 320 yards, the golfer will get 150 points, and the sniper will get 170. The golfer may continue hitting the ball as many times as he or she wants, so long as they keep using the same ball. When the ball is completely obliterated, the game is over and the total yardage for each player is tallied.

Now what would really be cool would be this second Combosport® called “ScubaRugby®.” No one understands rugby… not really. Some people claim to, but they are lying. So why not do something to make it even more ridiculous, like put it under water. I’m sure this would cut down on crush injuries, but it might ramp up the number of rugby drowning deaths. I propose that we increase the potential devastation by giving them only enough oxygen for the first 10 minutes, and then make the match last 15. The final result will be determined by who has remained “not dead” at the end of the 15 minutes. If you come up before the time is up, your team forfeits.

The last Combosport® I would like to propose is “Tackle Tennis®.” This is more of an “audience participation” sport. When I say “tackle” I mean that the audience should try to jump the fence and beat the crap out of the tennis players, because I don’t care who you are, tennis is a retarded sport. To make it more interesting, we’ll take all of the WWF wrestlers and put them just inside the barricades to increase the level of skill needed to get to the players. The tennis players, by definition, are “losers.” So the only potential winners we have are the audience. Any audience that makes it past the WWF guys gets a point. If he makes it to the player “untouched” (not whacked upside the head with a racket) he gets two points, and if he renders the tennis player unconscious, he wins. I can imagine that the world of tennis would quickly turn into a bunch of pumped up muscle men with no actual knowledge or skill in the game of tennis. Which would be a vast improvement.

Someone told me earlier that I need my racket restrung. Not very nice, but I think it’s a good idea. I’m gonna string mine with titanium spikes.

  17 comments for “Combosports

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HandyPandy May I suggest “Five Card Stud Wrestling” This sport would be just like a regular card game, but you can wrestle the person to the ground and look at his cards, thus combining the skill of a poker face with the skills of pinning an opponent.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Sorry thea, all gone.

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Jackie: Wasn’t all it was cracked up to be huh?

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie For some reason, now I just have this picture in my head of green spike haired guys trying desperately to have sex with horses.

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea Wendy, please pass the bottle.

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: thea OK, Brian? Is it? That’s not only going to be physically difficult, it’s going to be really painful for you as well… do you know how big those puppies are? Should someone be lucky enough to come up with something like, say oh, …. motocross barrels, that would be funnee. This is where the horse comes out of the gate full speed, and a hot green spiked hair guy in lots of leather chases the horse around all 3 barrels. If he catches the rider he wins. Ok, perhaps not.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy So getting drunked helped nada. But in your defense Petrie Dish, I am pretty much not a liker of the golf. The word itself makes my brain go into a mode similar to hibernation. It seems a few others enjoyed this one though so I shall still but a hash mark in the “good” column. Careful though, you wouldn’t want to bore me now would you?

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I don’t allow myself to be brainwashed by the liberal media, aka “vast left-wing conspiracy.” I prefer to form opinions based on a large variety of things, for instance: whatever crosses my mind at the moment, a vast working knowledge of the universe and it’s inner workings, and last but not least, a process I call “making crap up.” It’s all in the name of entertainment. But to be fair, I probably really believe 75% of what I say on the site. You get to guess which 75%.

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: jamey Dear Incredipete, Watch the news and my messages won’t seem so obtuse. Keep the stiff upper lip along with the good work. jamey

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Brian Yes, thea, I like the eff word…

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Brian How about pornoequestrian? Fuck the horse while it’s running?

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Wait, let me get drunk and I will re-read it.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie How about archershuffle. That is where you shoot arrows at old people playing shuffle board.

  14. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Roger Aaah, Incredipete. Another moment so near and yet so far. SniperGolf should operate thusly. The golfer approaches the tee, lets go on his first ball, and then the sniper gets to takes him out. If the golfer survives the hole he wins, simple really. I do like the idea of full contact defensive golf though, nice one HRT. Go go ScubaRugby too.

  15. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete HRT, you were so quick, I fear you read the entry before I added a Combosport® in the middle, “ScubaRugby®.” Make sure you see that one, too.

  16. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I like the idea of full contact defensive golf. Instead of being quiet the defense is encouraged to be as disruptive as possible and as soon as the ball is hit, then the defense is allowed to hit the golfer. however the golfer is allowed to hit the defense using whatever club he’s holding at the time. That’d be kinda cool. Course I also just like the idea of being able to swat a two foot putt into next nebuary.

  17. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT Nice.

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