Class Without Class

I was sitting in class last night, marveling in the fact that the mixture of stereotypical students was so consistent from one class to the next.

I rarely have the same people in more than one class, yet somehow, it’s like I have the same people every time.

I’d like to list some of the things I’ve observed about school.

Every class has one 40-50 year old woman that talks very loudly, talks way too often, and doesn’t know her head from a hole in the ground. The rest of the class AND the teacher all hate her because she rambles endlessly in a pontificating manner, and adds absolutely nothing to the conversation. She’s typically recently divorced, and up till this point was a stay-at-home mom. She always has endless examples of why her experience changing diapers relates to iterative model design, and it really wears on me after a while.

The typical class has 3 non-English speaking students. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they claim to speak English. I have nothing against non-English speakers, especially those making a concerted effort to learn English (the national language of America). I just wish they wouldn’t try to talk during group discussions. Everyone in the class tries to understand. They break out their Click-Language translation dictionary, but it just isn’t the same. If I went to a school in China, I would keep my mouth shut, because I know I’d mean to say “I think we should explore the methods of improving team cohesion” but would actually be saying “Let me lick your pig.” You just never know.

Every class I’ve been in has had at least one daddy’s girl. Daddy bought her the BMW she drove to school, he pays for her apartment, her tuition, her boob job, her clothes… She’s only there to meet stud-boy.

Stud boy is another member of every class. He is only in college so he can play basketball. He never comes to class, never does the homework, never takes the tests, and gets an A anyway. I kid you not, once some jock showed up for the last day of class… none of us had ever seen him before. He stared at the final for about 2 minutes, then got up and left. I’m sure he got an A.

We can’t forget “I Don’t Care” guy. He’s similar to the daddy’s girl, except he’s not a girl. Daddy pays for everything, but has told him that if he doesn’t go to college, he’s cutting off the funds. So IDC guy shows up, does the bare minimum, and shares his joy with the world.

The babe of the class is usually smoking hot, smart, and every guy wants to impress her. However, she’s not interested in talking to the huddled masses. She won’t even say hello to anyone in class, for fear they might get the wrong idea. She’s dating super macho jerk guy who works as a personal trainer. She claims she loves him because of his superior intellect. Sure.

There are usually 3-4 “non-descript” guys in the class. These guys are always in class, never open their mouths, and are therefore a total enigma. I couldn’t tell you the name of a single one of these guys.

My favorite is “Executive A-Hole” guy. He comes to class wearing a suit, smarts off to the teacher, talks down to the other students, and… he doesn’t have any more education than anyone else in the class. DUH! After a few weeks you find out that he is a sleezy sales guy making 30k a year at a podunk life insurance company.

As the years have progressed, it’s more common to see “Overtly Homosexual” guy (and gal). Not to be mistaken with “I have an alternative lifestyle but I don’t mind if straight people are allowed to live, too” guy.

Then of course, there are usually a few people like me. Brilliant. Skilled. Composed. Uncomprimising. Open. Sexy. Self-Financed. Professional. Caring. Warm. Gracious. Single.

That is all.