Category: Inflammatory Rhetoric

Quiz: Are You An A#shole

I’ve discovered over the years that many people are unaware of the fact that they are an asshole. This quiz is for the male readers. Tomorrow we will have the female version “Am I a Bitch” quiz. With a few simple questions we will get to the bottom of things.

Are You An Asshole

1. Do you drive a crotch rocket?

2. Do you own any affliction t-shirts?

3. Have you ever in a conversation uttered the words “I’m gonna hit that” when referring to a woman you find attractive?

4. Do you drive up past a line of traffic and swoop in at the last second?

5. Are you drunk more than 5 times a year (20 if you’re under 23)?

6. Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend/wife?

7. Have you ever hit or slapped a woman, even if she “had it coming”?

8. Have you ever been in a fight in a bar or club that a court didn’t consider self-defense?

9. Do you wear your hat sideways on purpose?

10. Does any portion of your boxers show at any time in public?

11. Do you use more than 3 “products” when grooming?

12. Do you go to the bar instead of helping out around the house?

13. Have you ever called someone “brah” without trying to be funny or ironic?

14. Have you ever lied to get sex and then bailed after getting it?

15. Have you ever yelled at someone for failing to do something that in all honesty you should have done yourself?

Scoring the quiz:

Count the number of “Yes” questions and then use the following table:

0-2 You’re just an average guy
3-6 You are petulant but you’re not an asshole
7-10 You’re an asshole
11-15 You’re a gigantic douchebag asshole

Eating Makes You Fat

Today I was nearly crushed to death by an immensely large woman at Quiktrip. It was only my quick reflexes and a shot of adrenalin that saved me as she tripped and crashed towards me, all 550 pounds of unwashed fat rolls flying towards me at the speed of gravity. I dove out of her trajectory and managed to save myself. The floor of the Quiktrip was not so lucky. After she tripped, 17 people attempted to help her up, to no avail. Fortunately she had the leg strength of an Olympic weight lifter and managed to get back to her feet.

My brush with death made me choose to once again broach the topic of obesity, despite the fact that last time it resulted in death threats. And don’t even THINK about giving me a hard time about writing this. Every last one of you thinks the same things. Most of you just have the good sense not to say it.

How does one get to the point where they say “screw it, I’m just gonna go for broke?” Most Americans have some chub. That’s a fact, and I’d be lying if I said I was exempt from that classification. I have a good 20 pounds of excess weight. I have that extra weight for two very good reasons. 1) I eat too much fast food and 2) I don’t exercise enough. I know this because when I eat well and exercise my weight goes down, and when I do the opposite, it goes up.

About the time I get to be 20 pounds heavy, I think “damn, I’m getting fat.” And at 25 pounds over, I go “ok, fine, I need to fix this.” Thus my lifelong cycle of fluctuating between 195 and 215.

It would be silly of me to claim some sort of special insight into the mind of the morbidly obese. There are undoubtedly many factors both physical and psychological that play a part. What I can do is point out the observations I’ve made first hand.

First, I’ve never met a morbidly obese person that actually eats well or manages their intake. I’ve met LOTS of morbidly obese folks that SAY they eat well and manage intake. They have “tried every diet there is.” Eating a salad in public isn’t fooling anyone. I know better, because I saw that same person go home and eat a tub of ice cream and a bag of chips in front of the TV. Every. Day. That is, to use the colloquialism, a shitload of calories.

To put it into perspective, a 5’3″ woman who weighs 160 pounds needs 1,440 calories a day to MAINTAIN her weight. If she eats less, she’ll lose weight. If she eats more, she’ll gain weight. A half gallon of ice cream is 1,200 calories. A bag of potato chips is 2,240 calories. Now let’s add the typical McDonalds lunch, roughly 1,400 calories. And to be conservative, let’s say dinner is 1,000 calories. Now throw in another large Coke for 280 calories. That person has now had 6,120 calories. Per day. That’s an overage of 4,680 calories. Per day. One pound is about 3,500 calories.

Just a few months is all it takes to gain 100+ pounds.

There is no health problem in the world that would “make” you eat 6,000 calories a day. That’s just making excuses.

My second major observation is this. Morbidly obese people are almost always lumped (no pun intended) into the “lazy” category. Let’s face it, you can’t get to 500 pounds by being super active. There’s some science behind that stereotype. I used to watch people in this “super sized” category and think… I’m sure they work hard at something, just clearly not their health. But then I got to know several scale-busters, and I realized that that lack of effort in fact did permeate their entire lifestyle.

To be fair, I’ve only personally gotten to know 4-5 people that fall into this category, and I realize that’s not a very big sample. But let’s just say my hope that one of them would prove the stereotypes incorrect were soundly dashed.

Fat is not a handicap anymore than being short of breath from smoking is a handicap. It’s a self-inflicted “disease” that you literally have the power to change at any time you so choose. Watch Discovery Health. That channel is basically a 24/7 network dedicated to showing the light bulb come on for morbidly obese people and I’ll be damned, when they change their habits, they lose the weight.

If you can’t walk without assistance because of your weight… if you can’t fit in a shower (GROSS) or bathroom stall… if you can’t wipe your own butt properly because you can’t reach it… step away from the sheet cake. Only you can save you.

Studs & Sluts

A ton has been written on this topic, and what I’ve mainly gathered from other peoples’ writing is that it’s a double standard. I’m here today to challenge that notion, at least for Americans.

In America, we value (ok, the responsible majority value) hard work, determination, effort, and skill. If a person inherits a ton of money, nobody thinks he is awesome. If anything, we all want to punch him in the nuts. If a person is born on the mean streets and pulls themselves up by their own bootstraps to become rich, famous, or successful in some other way, we go “damn, that person kicks butt.” We respect the person who puts in the effort.

Sex is no different. What is more difficult? A woman racking up conquests, or a woman saving herself? What’s more difficult? A man racking up conquests, or a man saving himself?

I may have just made my point, but let me continue.

If a woman wants to rack up conquests, all she needs is a vagina. Any woman, no matter how ugly, can walk into any bar in America and get sex the same night. If a man wants to rack up conquests, even if he has low standards, he must learn how to game, work his butt off, face tons of rejection, and still not have any guarantees. We see men who put in these efforts and successfully “score” as studs. Conversely, we see women who have the willpower and self-respect to say “screw off, perv” as a highly valued person.

If we’re being honest, we have all known people in both categories. And, if we’re being honest, those people tend to be pretty unbearable human beings. Guys who chase conquests are almost universally assholes. And women who chase conquests are almost universally vacuous twits, or emotionally damaged. Tons of research shows that as human beings, we weren’t designed to rack up conquests. We are built for relationship and intimacy. If you share yourself sexually with everyone you meet, you start to lose sight of the emotional aspect of sex, which once again, if we’re being honest, is the most important thing about sex… at least the way God intended.

Sex is for reproduction, certainly, but in a relationship, sex is an incredible emotional glue. It has been shown to reduce stress and anxiety, counter depression, increase self esteem, and hell, even cure headaches. The physiological part of sex is only a small percentage of what it’s supposed to be. If you have sex with 50 people, how can you possible still experience the emotional end of sex? You’re giving up 90% of what it should be.

But let’s talk about the double standard for a minute. Is it fair that men are valued for getting partners and women are valued for saving themselves? Probably not entirely. But the reasons for the disparity are apparent.

In the same way there’s a double standard that looks down on promiscuous women, there’s a double standard that looks down on male virgins and males who fail to rack up numbers. Find me a female virgin and you will have found one of the most highly valued things in society. Find me a male virgin and you will have found a “nerd, loser, geek, sissy, fag”. Isn’t that also a double standard?

I’ve had conversations over the years with male friends about my “number.” Almost universally, men look at me with shock and a little bit of disdain at the “pathetic” nature of my number. I’m a loser because I didn’t put more notches in my bedpost. If I was a woman, it would be the opposite reaction.

At the end of the day, God designed sex to be special. An intimate emotional and physical bond between husband and wife. Our society has really devalued sex, and it’s a shame. I hope we can teach our children to respect themselves and each other.

But the double standard isn’t a double standard at all.

Transgendered 1st Grader

Today I’m going to talk about this story from CNN:

Colorado school bars transgendered 1st-grader from using girls’ restroom

If you don’t have time to read, it boils down to this. There is a 1st grade boy (he is biologically a boy – he has a penis and no other confused equipment, 100% male) who has decided that he is a girl. He has worn a dress to school every day for a year and makes everyone refer to him as a girl. The parents support and encourage this. The school doesn’t want a BOY with a PENIS using the girls bathroom. The parents of the girls aren’t super excited about a boy going into the bathroom with their little girls, either. So the school has decided he has to use the boys restroom or the unisex bathroom.

The parents are suing the school and claiming discrimination.

First off, this could only happen in Colorado. What a bunch of atheist yahoos. A little boy does not out of nowhere say “I am convinced I’m a girl and from now on I’m wearing a dress.” That’s hogwash. That idea, purposefully or not, has been put into his head. When a boy says “Mommy, I’m a girl because I like playing with dolls and I like the color pink” a normal mom says “You can’t be a girl, because you’re a boy, but it’s great that you love pink and like dolls – lots of boys like to play with dolls.”

The normal response isn’t “Oh, you think you’re a girl? Here, we’ll dye your hair purple and put you in a dress and call you a girl’s name.” What. The. Hell?

Several major cities in the US have passed laws allowing male transgendered people to use the women’s bathrooms in public. And, as you would imagine, there’s been a rash of straight, perverted guys putting on dresses so they could go hang out in the ladies room. I’m not saying it’s impossible for someone to have dysphoria and think they’re a girl, but I’m saying that doesn’t MAKE them a girl.

When I was a kid I thought I was a superhero. But no matter how much I thought so, I couldn’t jump tall buildings in a single leap. If I thought I was a car, the ACLU would try to fight for my right to get oil changes.

The parents of this little boy should be publicly flogged for being such unbelievable asshats. The school is correct for protecting all of the little girls at that school from having to have a boy in their bathroom.

What happens when this kid gets to high school and wants to shower with the girls and play on the girls volleyball team? At what point do we say ENOUGH?

I’m sure the school will lose in court. I’m just glad my daughter doesn’t go to that school.

Self-Aware

About a million years ago, Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living.”

So why are there so many people in the world who are living in lala land, thinking they are geniuses and have everything figured out, when in reality they are incomIncredipetent boobs?

I’m sure there are areas of my life in which I am not self aware. I’d tell you what they are, but I’d rather not think about it. (ba dum bum)

There are plenty of flaws and things I suck at that I am fully aware of. I tend to expect the worst from people. I am often passive aggressive. I am truly awful at creative design. And I can’t make gravy.

Let’s take the creative design aspect. When I was in high school, I participated in art. It turned out I had a knack for calligraphy. Technically, it’s art. But at its most basic form, it’s a very precise, technical, repetitive form of art. One does not have to possess a great deal of creativity to excel at calligraphy. I did well with it, won national awards (in high school), and pretty much everyone I knew said “dude, you should study graphic design.”

So I marched right out after high school and enrolled in the junior college design program. I absolutely loved the teachers. Even more, I loved my classmates. I loved the photography classes (incidentally, another highly scientific form or art). When it came to creativity with design, I was somewhere between mediocre and ass ugly. I rolled along in a an ignorant bliss until finally about 3 semesters in, one of my teachers said “dude, you suck at this, and you’ll never make a living.” And she was right.

I dropped out of the program and ultimately did business degrees instead.

I really wanted to be a musician or an artist. Like… really wanted that. I aspired to do it. And I completely sucked at it.

I would never pretend to be a good artist now. I know all of the programs graphic designers use (Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign, etc.), but that does NOT make me an artist. I can recreate something that someone else draws up, and I can usually execute it well. But that does NOT make me an artist.

I’ve seen good graphic design. I went to school with some incredible ones. I have hired amazing graphic designers to do projects for where I work. My point is, I can’t DO good design, but I RECOGNIZE good design.

The point of that story is, I deal with a person on a regular basis who thinks they (gender intentionally obfuscated) can design. They do “designs” by opening a Microsoft Publisher template and changing all of the fonts to Garamond. They are completely and utterly convinced that they are fabulous at design and that they have so much skill they should critique others’ designs as well, including those of award-winning ACTUAL designers. They even went so far as to say, and I quote “I’m very creative… my sister is a sculptor.”

At which point my brain exploded.

Sometimes people’s lack of self-awareness is completely impenetrable.

There’s another person. We’ll call her Josephine. Josephine got pregnant in college, dropped out, got married. The guy was a physically abusive piece of crap. Josephine stayed with him, popping out more and more kids. Eventually HE filed for divorce because Josephine was having an affair.

Josephine LOVES to critique my relationship.

What. The. French. Toast.

Josephine is by definition, completely and utterly absent of self-awareness. Of the 6 billion people on the planet Earth, she is categorically the last person I would ever take relationship advice from.