Breaking News Report

Breaking News:

Did you see that the FCC finally got it’s fine for the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” through? $27,500 for each of the 20 network affiliates that aired the performance. In a statement from the FCC, chairman Mortimer Snerdly said

“We at the FCC believe that censorship is never good. We have free speech, which was granted to us by the 13th amendment….

Reporter: (whispering) Psst… I think that was the 1st amendment…

Snerdly: Uhh um, yes, the 1st amendment, which of course was passed unanimously by the founding fathers…

Reporter: Psst… I don’t think the founding fathers passed the first amendment… come to think of it, I don’t think they really envisioned the problem of unexpected boob-exposure considering television wasn’t invented for 190 years…

Snerdly: …and umm… not the founding fathers, but it is a constitutional right that we have here to say whatever we want to. However, we here at the FCC believe that we have a better handle on constitutional rights than those guys up there at that court… uh..

Reporter: … the Supreme Court…

Snerdly: Yes, the Supreme Court. Therefore we will be going ahead with the massive fine to CBS and it’s affiliates.

In a related statement, the Supreme Court has ruled on the case, stating that “in most cases, the justices are all for seeing exposed boobs..err… free speech, however the sight of Janet Jackson’s boob nearly caused all of us to gag, and we therefore support the FCC’s decision to fine the bejeezus out of CBS, et. al., towit, hitherto, and so forth.”

In other news, John Kerry has announced his plan to roll back what he calls “Unchecked personal freedom” by eliminating the constitution and replacing it with the “John Kerry Manifesto.” No word yet on whether congress will support his plan. Kerry also plans to win votes by implementing the “Mondale/Gore” approach, in which he promises massive new taxes on small business owners, a move which oddly, Democrats seem to find logical. Kerry’s campaign issued a statement today, saying “George Bush’s war in Iraq is bad. He is a bad man, and he is dumb…”

Reporter: Mr. Kerry, didn’t you vote to approve spending on Mr. Bush’s Iraq war?

Kerry: umm.. yes, but I was misled. I thought the appropriations bill was for ‘free ice cream for all Iraqis’ which of course I support, because I believe there should be a chicken in every pot. Bush lied to us. It wasn’t about ice cream at all…” However, as much as I support giving free ice cream and health care to Iraqis, I don’t believe we should do it through deficit spending. I think we should do it by taxing the lifeblood out of entrepreneurs that create the jobs and keep the American economy strong.”

Reporter: Wouldn’t taxing the rich to feed the poor be construed by some as “Communism?”

Kerry: Of course not, it’s not Communism. I just believe that everyone should do according to his abilities, and be paid according to his needs.

Meanwhile in Washington, George Bush issued a statement:

Bush: My fellow Americans, I would like to respond to the accusatorians by my opposing candidate that I am dumb and that I misled congress and the country into a phony war with Iraq. Saddam Hussein is a bad man. He is evil. He stockpiles biological agents such as the common cold, which he has already released in America. He had to be stopped. John Kerry is Saddam’s evil cousin.”

And in world news, Al Queda beheaded yet another American, and released a statement on Al Jezeera, which loosely translated reads “Na ne na ne boo boo.”

The White House is considering it’s options, which include “attacking Iraq, because they kind of look like the terrorists” or “tactical nuking of Mecca.”

John Kerry issued a statement about the beheading saying “That man’s blood is on the hands of George Bush. Bush is a bad man. And he’s dumb” after which Kerry’s aides took him back to the lab and recharged his batteries.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, military experts realized there was actually nothing of any value to target, and the bombing raids of late have only moved piles of rocks from one place to another. The Department of Defense is looking into using directional explosives in an attempt to set a new world record for “fastest reconstruction of the Parthenon using nothing but B2 bombers.”

…and now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

  27 comments for “Breaking News Report

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Cynthia Brillant

  2. MAF
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: MAF i think we all know who the math nerd is here …

  3. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT …perhaps MAF, but since this is Incredinerdy’s site, I figure he’ll get a kick out of using his slide-rule to double check my numbers.

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Teets Am I the only one on Earth who has noticed that Janet Jackson is a pretty woman who works out constantly and has a nice body? People act like Roseanne Arnold whipped out a tit. In my humble opinion, Ms. Jackson is lovely. 🙂

  5. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf i spy with my little eye …… a math nerd.

  6. HRT
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: HRT I heard that the FCC received 500,000 complaints about the Super Bowl. It is conservatively estimated that 130 million people viewed the Super Bowl. Which means 0.0038% of people found it offensive enough to file a complaint, 99.996% of people said pshht,whatever.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: “Lynne” You are killing me, Incredipetee. Vote Ivan Kerry! Got Vodka?

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: your incredibly adorable little sister I sensed a little touch of bitterness about communism in what i read. unfortunate. I really quite enjoy talking to people about commmunism. I did, however, take my hammer and sickle off of my xanga…

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy You seem to think Incredipeter, that what you are told on the phone will be the same thing you are told when you actually go to the store. Silly man!

  10. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg I so just saw the “DICK sporting goods” comment. Thanks, Incredipete, now my boss is asking what I’m blushing about!

  11. Wen
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wen Maybe Abby is destryoing the house because she doesn’t like the furniture. She’s helping you redecorate!

  12. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Absolutely nothing wrong with being in the gutter when you’re getting this close to Friday. Then, there’s nothing wrong with being in the gutter most any time.

  13. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Meg, I don’t care what hand you use!

  14. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf and we’ve made it to the gutter ladies and gentlemen – yay us!

  15. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Oh! Oh! Incredipete, I play left handed! You could just give them to me!

  16. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy Uh oh! No box, no exchange. It’s the law. Unless of course you purchased them at the Wal Mart which I doubt. Therefore, as we say here in the Old Dominion, you my dear Incredipete are screwed! Out of luck! Sprizung! Up shit’s crick!

  17. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete I realized today that they sold me a left-handed set. I no longer have the box, so I must go beat them senseless with them.

  18. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: mental Nice clubs dude.

  19. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf she said “mount” that’s filarious…

  20. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie I’m not touching this political shit with a 10 foot pole. I would rather talk about shoes. I want a new pair of “Born” shoes. The name of them is “mount” that makes me giggle.

  21. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: warcrygirl Awww, cute wittle puppy! Have you asked the vet out yet? 😉 All politicians suck ass, unfortunately, I feel safer with Bush at the helm than Kerry. I mean holy shit! How many times can you change your fucking mind?

  22. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg Who’s really going to hold up to the promises they (politicians)give? It seems to be all about who says what the best, and how pretty they can make it. Why can’t someone just do the right thing for a change? And no, not the right thing according to which ever political party they belong to, but what they know in their heart is the right thing.

  23. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Politicians are so pathetic. They are all corrupt, two-faced, greedy bastards, and when they point fingers at each other, it’s laughable.

  24. Meg
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Meg I’m one of the few fortunate people who didn’t have to see the boob incidence. Thank God.

  25. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: kaki I just wanted to mention how cute Abby is. It’s funny, but my kids have destroyed my house too. Can’t comment on the boobs, the FCC or politics, haven’t had my coffee yet.

  26. maf
    November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: maf that’s why God made the puppers so cute … so we’ll put up with destroyed property. although i should say that mike never really destroyed anything that wasn’t his to trash…lucky me!

  27. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Kalisa Entertaining entry as usual, Incredipete. It compels me to say, “Na ne na ne boo boo…. stick your head in doo doo!”

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