Did you see that the FCC finally got it’s fine for the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” through? $27,500 for each of the 20 network affiliates that aired the performance. In a statement from the FCC, chairman Mortimer Snerdly said
“We at the FCC believe that censorship is never good. We have free speech, which was granted to us by the 13th amendment….
Reporter: (whispering) Psst… I think that was the 1st amendment…
Snerdly: Uhh um, yes, the 1st amendment, which of course was passed unanimously by the founding fathers…
Reporter: Psst… I don’t think the founding fathers passed the first amendment… come to think of it, I don’t think they really envisioned the problem of unexpected boob-exposure considering television wasn’t invented for 190 years…
Snerdly: …and umm… not the founding fathers, but it is a constitutional right that we have here to say whatever we want to. However, we here at the FCC believe that we have a better handle on constitutional rights than those guys up there at that court… uh..
Reporter: … the Supreme Court…
Snerdly: Yes, the Supreme Court. Therefore we will be going ahead with the massive fine to CBS and it’s affiliates.
In a related statement, the Supreme Court has ruled on the case, stating that “in most cases, the justices are all for seeing exposed boobs..err… free speech, however the sight of Janet Jackson’s boob nearly caused all of us to gag, and we therefore support the FCC’s decision to fine the bejeezus out of CBS, et. al., towit, hitherto, and so forth.”
In other news, John Kerry has announced his plan to roll back what he calls “Unchecked personal freedom” by eliminating the constitution and replacing it with the “John Kerry Manifesto.” No word yet on whether congress will support his plan. Kerry also plans to win votes by implementing the “Mondale/Gore” approach, in which he promises massive new taxes on small business owners, a move which oddly, Democrats seem to find logical. Kerry’s campaign issued a statement today, saying “George Bush’s war in Iraq is bad. He is a bad man, and he is dumb…”
Reporter: Mr. Kerry, didn’t you vote to approve spending on Mr. Bush’s Iraq war?
Kerry: umm.. yes, but I was misled. I thought the appropriations bill was for ‘free ice cream for all Iraqis’ which of course I support, because I believe there should be a chicken in every pot. Bush lied to us. It wasn’t about ice cream at all…” However, as much as I support giving free ice cream and health care to Iraqis, I don’t believe we should do it through deficit spending. I think we should do it by taxing the lifeblood out of entrepreneurs that create the jobs and keep the American economy strong.”
Reporter: Wouldn’t taxing the rich to feed the poor be construed by some as “Communism?”
Kerry: Of course not, it’s not Communism. I just believe that everyone should do according to his abilities, and be paid according to his needs.
Meanwhile in Washington, George Bush issued a statement:
Bush: My fellow Americans, I would like to respond to the accusatorians by my opposing candidate that I am dumb and that I misled congress and the country into a phony war with Iraq. Saddam Hussein is a bad man. He is evil. He stockpiles biological agents such as the common cold, which he has already released in America. He had to be stopped. John Kerry is Saddam’s evil cousin.”
And in world news, Al Queda beheaded yet another American, and released a statement on Al Jezeera, which loosely translated reads “Na ne na ne boo boo.”
The White House is considering it’s options, which include “attacking Iraq, because they kind of look like the terrorists” or “tactical nuking of Mecca.”
John Kerry issued a statement about the beheading saying “That man’s blood is on the hands of George Bush. Bush is a bad man. And he’s dumb” after which Kerry’s aides took him back to the lab and recharged his batteries.
Meanwhile in Afghanistan, military experts realized there was actually nothing of any value to target, and the bombing raids of late have only moved piles of rocks from one place to another. The Department of Defense is looking into using directional explosives in an attempt to set a new world record for “fastest reconstruction of the Parthenon using nothing but B2 bombers.”
…and now back to your regularly scheduled programming.