While eating my exotic cuisine for lunch (hotdogs dipped in barbeque sauce) I was pondering a recent comment. Someone pointed out that I seem bitter, based upon what he/she has read about me.
I found that fascinating, especially since on numerous occasions I have actually referred to myself as bitter. As a public service, I’d like to give you a list of ways you can know that you’re bitter:
1. The last time you had a date, George Bush was president, but it wasn’t the current one.
2. You’d rather eat alone and buy yourself things than go out with a girl.
3. When it dawns on you that your “friends” are never going to call you again, you feel vindicated rather than sad.
4. When hearing a love song on the radio makes you wretch violently so that you have to pull over and vomit.
5. When being called bitter and cynical makes you snicker.
6. When you summon the undead to torment the people you have grown to hate.
7. When you hate just about everyone.
8. When “Korn” lyrics start to sound like they really “make a lot of sense.”
9. When everyone under 24 is annoying and everyone over 40 is annoying, along with most of the people in between.
10. When you believe that if you died today, if you were lucky enough to have your corpse discovered, it would be moot because no one would attend your funeral.
These are just a few of the warning signs I came up with. I’m sure there are many, many more, but that’s enough to incite some conversation, I’m sure.