Being comfortable with yourself is one of the hardest things in life to accomplish. I say that because in some ways, I’m not comfortable with myself.
But, I’m a lot more comfortable now than I was, say, 4 years ago. Four years ago I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die sad and lonely, and I’d never find love.
I realize now that the problem wasn’t other people, it was me. I was not someone that was particularly “attractive.” And I don’t mean that in a physical way. Physically, I am what I am. I’m bald, I have a big nose, and I don’t spend enough time in the gym. Those are the facts. What I mean was that at the time, I was totally absorbed in my own crap.
Four years ago, I was living in my parent’s basement, working 60 hours a week, and taking 18 hours of classes a semester. I didn’t have any money whatsoever, even though I was living at home, because my stupid tuition was roughly 80% of my income.
I’m certainly not blaming the circumstances for my problems. I chose the circumstances myself. I didn’t want to have huge student loans, and I didn’t want to be in school till I was 30, which would have happened had I not sped up my school.
However, not having any money or time, I never had anyone interested in me. Not even a little bit. Not even a nibble. The combination of lack of sleep, stress, and never having anyone interested lead me to believe that it was going to be like that forever.
Obviously that was a silly notion, but it was easy to fall into given the circumstances.
Many a person has tried to psychoanalyze me, telling me everything from “you’re a weirdo,” to “you need to get over your past.” Well, those statements may both be true, but they aren’t what I’d call helpful.
As I get older, and circumstances improve, I’ve realized that chasing after people that aren’t interested is probably the single worst thing I could do. It’s bad for my confidence, bad for our friendship (assuming she’s a friend) and it just won’t make any dang difference. As that stupid song goes “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” Sappy, but a true statement.
I’ve spent so much time trying to emulate what I’ve seen other people do to “find love.” For instance, I’ve noted that many couples meet while drunk, spend their entire time dating drunk, and get married drunk. Well, that didn’t work for me because I don’t enjoy drinking. Needless to say, it’s been a totally ineffective course of action, because… it’s just not me. I gots to be me. So if someone likes me for me, then great. If not, I’m not going to spend time trying to change their minds.
And that’s the mistake I’ve been making. All along, there were people that were interested in me, and there were people that I was interested in. That only aligned a couple of times in my life, and even those didn’t work.
I’m convinced that waiting, combined with always trying to improve myself, in my skills, education, career, whatever…. it’s the correct course of action. I can’t spend my life worrying about when or if I’ll find that “perfect person.” I’ve been in love a couple of times, so I know what the standard is. I just need to wait for someone that shares that same feeling for me.
I’m finally confident that I will be right for someone. I have a few things to offer, and somebody out there is looking for those things. I just have to be patient. Heck, I’m only 26…
On the other hand, I can finally say, if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be fine. Either way, I’ll have my friends and family.
So, for all of the people that have been interested in me, and I didn’t feel the same way, sorry. I know it sucks, I’ve been on the other side of that equation a few times. For the people I was interested in, that weren’t interested in me… I’m sorry for trying to put a square peg in a round hole (seriously… no pun intended). I know it sucks to be on the receiving end of that crap.
I’d say something to the future Ms. Right, but I’m confident she’d never stoop to reading this mindless drivel.
Heck, I don’t even read it.