A Work in Progress

As things change and I become more aware of the patterns I’ve fallen into, it becomes more painful when I find myself still repeating that stuff. Now that I’m aware I shouldn’t still fall into the same stupid things.

I have always been easily manipulated. But I also learned to manipulate… Not well, but I try. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until its pointed out. I still. I still continue to falling into letting my anxiety dictate my reactions. I still feel guilty about EVERYTHING. I still placate instead of saying what I want and why.

I’m discouraged. Just last night I had a great conversation with my wife, brother, and sister in law. My brother has the same struggles and we really had a great talk. Then this morning I went right back to doing the same stupid stuff.

I know I’m not stupid. I know what I’m doing wrong and what I should do about it. It makes me FEEL dense. I feel like my wife literally never makes mistakes. I think I’m the immature person in this relationship, and that is not familiar ground. Or maybe I always have been and just didn’t know it. Who knows.

I am not saying I don’t have confidence. I feel like I’m smart, hard working, caring, generous, and a generally nice guy. I know my wife thinks I’m sexy. My daughter thinks I rock even though she resists letting that slip out of her mouth. I am comfident in my abilities and I’m confident in my relationship.

But my guilt-reflex is knee-jerk. I feel like I have no control over it. Like my anxiety, I can recognize and overcome the guilt, but it’s always the first reaction. It has to change.

My sister in law had an insight that shook me. She said that when someone gets mad at me, I hunker down and say “please don’t stop loving me.” She was right and I’d never thought that before. Real love isn’t conditional or retracted during a disagreement.

I am a work in progress. I love my life, I love my wife, and I will be the best person I can be.

  8 comments for “A Work in Progress

  1. May 27, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I love you

  2. May 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I love you. Thank you for challenging my old ways of thinking. I’m already a better person from knowing you.

  3. May 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

    It’s your comfort zone. It’s where/how you feel most at home and where you’ll go until you realize it and can work through it. It’s OK. 🙂 We love ya!

  4. May 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Mike is right. Cut yourself some slack.

  5. May 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    We’re all works in progress, Incredipete! that’s the human condition on this side of glorification! The great thing is though that God’s not expecting us to do it ourselves, even a little. He loves us, His Son pays the penalty for us so he can forgive us, He tells us we are precious, and then His Spirit comes to do the hard work of transforming us. We just have to let Him. What a relief! I’m glad you’re my bro. And I’m proud of who you are.

  6. May 29, 2012 at 8:18 am

    David, you’re right. But as an introvert, you may know that I hate for anyone to see me doing anything incorrectly. It’s the reason I never practice instruments in front of people. I want the first time someone hears me play to be perfect… it’s the same with my flaws. Now that I am aware of things, I want to change them instantly so no one has to see it.

  7. Christen
    May 29, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    EVERYONE is a work in progress!!! Welcome to the real world where we all have insecurities, secrets, and flaws that make us crazy! Fortunately, you are a lovable, flawed, kind, gifted human who’s just come into the best thing he’s ever done…It’s all roses from here on out Incredipetey boy!

  8. Heather
    June 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    I totally relate to that desire to be perfect now – stupid sanctification process.

    We sure enjoyed the time to talk with you and Petunia! Love you guys!

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