Let’s discuss the State of the Union, since after all, it will be airing while I’m in class, thus saving me from the fate of having to watch it.
Incredipete’s State of the Union
As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the barren wasteland of the Middle East in an inexplicable war against a bunch of Muslims who would rather be dead than free. (Applause.)
We have faced serious challenges together, and now we face a choice: We can keep policing the world and interfering with foreign civil wars, or we can do the cha cha like a sissy. We can press on with economic stagnation, or we can turn back to old way where we all had wealth coming out of our butts. (Applause.)
Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing. Last month, Libya announced that if we don’t start paying more attention to them, they are going to tactically nuke the entire Middle East.(Applause.)
Many of our troops are listening tonight. I want them to know, just as soon as we can get John Kerry to quit changing his vote, we’re going to get you those bullet-proof vests you keep bitching about. (Applause.)
Some want to undermine the No Child Left Unmolested Act by taking Michael Jackson and various members of the Catholic priesthood to court. I refuse to give up on any child — and the No Child Left Unmolested Act is opening the door of opportunity for cretins everywhere.(Applause.)
One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. Congress will actively help get the children to take up drinking rather than drugs. (Applause.)
My fellow citizens, although life may suck in Iraq, it continues to be awesome in TEXAS! God blessed Texas, with his own hand, and brought down angels from the promised land. I’ve been sent, to spread the message…. God Blessed Texas! (Applause.)
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! Don’t eat the pot roast, and remember to tip your waitress!
Disclaimer: Paragraph formats were used from theWhite House Archive of the January 2004 State of the Union given by George W. Bush. The content was modified and made far more entertaining. The opinions expressed above do not reflect the opinions of George W. Bush, WhiteHouse.gov, or any other government office or agency. Any truth spoken in the above commentary is the opinion of the author, and is purely coincidental. PS – W, I love ya, man!