Incredipete’s Stages of Sleep Deprivation

So I went home after work last night and had a bit of a headache. I decided to lay down for a while and see if it got better. About 20 minutes later my date called to cancel. When the phone rang, I opened my eyes, and just like that, it turned into a blazing migraine. I took my migraine perscription and set my alarm for a half hour. (you have to take it every 30 minutes until it goes away)However, even with my eyes closed, the light was still giving me issues, so I got up and put blankets over my windows. I took the perscription 2 more times, and finally it started to get a little better. Then my phone rang again and it was my sister. She wanted me to go to dinner with her and my mom. So I told her I’d call her once I felt better. Unfortunately, the perscription knocked me completely out, and I didn’t wake up again until my phone rang about 9. By then it was too late to call my sister, so I drove to the McDonalds drive thru down the street. Once I finished that, I felt 100% better.

Then I thought, heck I should go home and go right back to bed and get a good night’s sleep. So I went home, and lo and behold, my insomnia was back. I watched stupid TV programs till 4 am, and finally drifted off, only to be rudely awakened by my alarm an hour later. So I still have had no sleep, and it’s been several weeks. I’m getting more irritable with each passing day, and I’m starting to get to the “weepy” stage of sleep deprivation. I always go through these stages, only always before, there was a good reason for staying up all night, like studying for tests, doing projects, etc. So here are:

Incredipete’s Stages of Sleep Deprivation

Disclaimer: When I refer to “no sleep” I mean less than 3.5 hours, which I realize is not actually “no sleep” but it’s pretty darned close to it.

1. Caffienated: I feel great because I have had 12 Mountain Dew’s and two 72 count bags of pizza rolls, and I’m ready to take on the world.

2. Tension Headache: Per usual, the overdose of caffiene causes me to get tension headaches, because the body was not designed to process such high levels of artificial ingredients.

3. Irritable Stage I: Yes, after several days of tension headaches, albeit wide-awake tension headaches, I’m ready to kick the next puppy I see, or whatever else happens to look happier than me. People hate to be around me during this stage, but misery loves company, and I won’t let them be. I follow them around, spreading my unpleasant demeanor until they try to smack me.

4. Zombie: This is the stage where I am like the walking undead. I go to work and go through the normal motions, but I won’t remember any of it later if you ask me. Like a croc, I close my transparent second set of eyelids and sleep, and no one is the wiser, except that when they speak to me I take several minutes to process and respond to them.

5. Irritable Stage II: This is much like the irritable stage one, except that now I am being subconsciously irritable, so it’s not quite so purposeful. It verges on whiny, but there are still razors in every sentence I utter. At this point, I start to alienate people that previously had put up with me, and they inform me that they won’t be speaking with me again until I go to bed or “get some” whichever comes first. Given my life, sometimes it’s hard to say which will happen first, because both are so incredibly unlikely.

6. Weepy: The emotional stage is another fun one for my friends. Fortunately, I don’t like to be around other people when I’m in this stage. Sometimes I’m forced to be, and it comes out as taking everything anyone says personally and being overly sensitive. Then I go home depressed, but I can’t ever really figure out why. I’ve been accused on more than one occassion of being “on my period.” I guess being awake for several consecutive weeks brings about emotions similar to being on one’s period, although I can’t really speak to that, since I’m completely male, genetically speaking.

7. Crash: This is the stage where my body will no longer function even at the most rudimentary levels, and all brain activity ceases except the lower-level brainstem functions such as breathing (sometimes) and a heartbeat. I finally collapse in a heap of ugly manhood, and sleep until my body feels it can start the cycle over again. Usually, if I try to cut the “crash sleep” short, my body will respond by giving me a horrible case of the flu which will lay me up until it decides to allow me out of bed. I have no control over when this happens, but I think it’s somewhere around the 6 week mark. I made it for 5 months without sleep once, but when I crashed, the crash lasted almost 2 months, and I had to go on meds. So I try to limit my awake-binges to 3-4 weeks max.

But here’s the deal. I’m currently resting steady at “Irritable Stage II” but I know that “Weepy” is just around the corner. I’m concerned that I will be in “Weepy” and “Crash” while I’m on vacation next week, which would be terrible timing. I’d much rather crash when I can take some time off work. (To my boss: I’m just kidding. I’d rather crash when I’m on vacation.)

One more day of work left before vacation… maybe two. Don’t worry, I’m taking the laptop with me to do updates, because I’m sure my insomnia will be following me to Maine.

Talk with you later.

  12 comments for “Incredipete’s Stages of Sleep Deprivation

  1. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Your jealousy is uber-transparent, Wendy. Someday if you’re really good, maybe you can have an orange comments page with a “Zappo!” button.

  2. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy If you say so……

  3. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Are you forgetting how cool it is to have a “done” button labeled “Zappo!”?

  4. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy The only thing, and I do mean the only thing that makes this page cool is the fact that I signed it. What? What?

  5. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: wilberteets You’re welcome. 🙂

  6. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipete Sorry about leaving you hanging out there all day Jackster… It’s not you that was the effing moron, unfortunately today it was me. And you are right, songs tell the stories of our lives. I’d rather play music than listen to it, but either way, the result is the same.

  7. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie I updated so go read it m effers. please.

  8. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Thanks for making me hang out all day alone looking like the only effing moron that comments on your page.

  9. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy The new comments page is hype!

  10. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Incredipetee Sorry about the delay folks. I’m an idiot and I managed to screw up a piece of code – “%id%” to be exact. It’s amazing how one little thing like that can be such a little bugger. Anyway, everything should be functional now.

  11. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Wendy You may call it a vacation in Maine. We shall refer to it as time served in the county lock-up. You should get plenty of sleep there.

  12. November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

    AUTHOR: Jackie Maybe your insomnia won’t follow you on vacation. Maybe once you get away from stress you will feel different about your life in general. I know how you feel about the migraines-you described the scene exactly. On a brighter note I leave for vacation soon too. HOORAY-can’t wait,can’t wait.

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