The traffic of the past couple of days leads me to some further suggestions on how we can improve the safety of our highways. Some of this was discussed in an earlier entry, but since the people that used to read here don’t read anymore, I can get away with it.
1) If you’re under 21 or over 65, you may not have a license. If you’re caught driving and aren’t between those ages, you will be flogged.
2) If you get pulled over under the influence, the police have the authority to shoot you, execution style.
3) All business must stagger their start times in order to reduce traffic congestion.
4) People from Missouri will not be allowed to drive in the passing lane, since they invariable choose to drive 15 under the speed limit. Any car with Missouri plates driving in the passing lane will be fired upon by police helicopters carrying sidewinder missiles.
5) People with Illinois plates will not be allowed to cross the Kansas state line.
6) Anyone driving a high-performance vehicle is required to drive at least 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. What’s the point of getting a high-performance vehicle if you’re not planning on going fast?
7) Anyone with words printed in Gothic lettering across their rear window will be fined a minimum of $1,000 per sighting.
8) If you “pimp” your Honda Accord, it’s proof that you should not have a liscense.
9) No crappy foreign car may have a muffler that makes the car sound like it has more horsepower than a Hemi.
10) Trucks and SUVs must have an 42″ LCD panel on the rear of their vehicle which projects an image of the road in front of the truck or SUV, so that drivers in lower vehicles can safely drive behind them. This device can double as an “in-flight movie screen” when traffic is not congested.
11) Improper lane changes will be punishable by death.
12) Middle-aged men that drive convertibles will be taunted, and their photos posted on www.InsecureOldMan.com.
13) Anyone driving a Hummer that does not have a military background will be immediately shipped, with their H2, to Iraq.
14) Hatchbacks are prohibited in the United States.
15) Proper lane usage will be enforced. This means the right lane is for people going the speed limit, the middle lane for people going 10 over the speed limit, and the left lane for people going at least 15 over the speed limit. Violators will be shipped to Europe where they drive in the wrong lanes and think it’s right.
16) Vehicles with the Confederate flag painted on them will be melted and crushed. The Civil War is over, you lost, get over it.
17) If you fail to drive your SUV offroad at least one time per week, you will be required to turn it back in to the dealer and replace it with a car, you stupid moron.
18) If your windows are tinted more than an undercover police car, we will assume you are a career criminal, and you will be guilty until proven innocent.
19) If you roll down your window to whistle at a woman, she has the right to gun you down and take your pickup truck.
20) If you are a caucasian teenager, your seatback must remain in the full upright position while driving. Being “laid back” makes you no more cool than showing your boxers, wearing a chain on your belt, talking like you’re ‘from the street,’ neon lights under your car, a wing on your Honda Civic, or listening to gansta rap.
If we can follow these simple guidelines, the driving experience will become a thing of beauty.